Wednesday 11 December 2013

black dog begone

Bismillah

"You are better than you think you are"

While waiting for our Bad Day On-Call session today, the lecturer who was in charge for our Preparation for Practice (P4P) block came to me and ask how was yesterday's teaching. She said the lecturer who was assessing me said I was good and impressed with me. She told me she talked to the other lecturers who have taught to me too, and then she sums up their comment with the above quote.

I guess they were all aware of my problem. "Performance anxiety", as Dr Kevin coined it. The inferiority to other students. I often think that I'm not that good. On another note, I guess they have been discussing about each and everyone of us. We're a really small number, only 20 of us. We've come to know that they would flag up our picture and have lecturers commenting on us or something like that when we were 3rd years. Not sure if they are still doing that now, but it seems to be like it. I wonder if I should feel insecure, thinking that all the lecturers knew about my lack of self-confidence.

I feel quite hard to believe them, actually. Not just them, but also my friends.
There was this one time, I said to my groupmates that I feel I'm really lousy at teaching and she said, "Kau bagus gila kot!".
I wonder if it's just me, focusing on the bad side of me or what. I can't really see what she meant by that.

I guess it probably is. I've been wearing the black dog glasses in front of the mirror that I see myself with all the flaws in me. I need to take it off.
As my wife said it, we need to stop thinking that we're depressed. I need to embrace my strength and put it to good use.
I liked this video. Sums up of what I've felt myself. I still have the black dog, but I'm trying to tame it, and make it smaller. Some days it get big, some days it's really small.


Friday 25 October 2013

stitch!

bismillah

I like stitches. I've got a few. From my mom's on my pants, right on the knees.
From my wife, on my shirt which was originally long-sleeved. I burnt it, so she cut the sleeves and sow it back nicely.

I like stitches, because it means hope. It means things can be fixed.
It means that I can keep what I like, I don't have to throw it away.

It means it can still be used, still be loved.
Still be cherished that the owner would bother stitching it back up.
Not discarded and easily replaced with something new.
Even when it won't look as good as new, that the stitches will somewhat deform it.
Leave an ugly mark on it.
But to the owner, it looks just great, even better than it was.
Even when others smirk at it, looking at it as something cheap and weathered.

I'm torn. I need to stitch myself back up.

p/s: now I guess it made sense. that's why they name him Stitch. to stitch up Lilo's family back together. it won't be as how it was, but he stitched it back up. I like Stitch.

Friday 27 September 2013

sugar III

bismillah

well, this time it's not really about sugar, but pretty much similar issues.
mom had hyperthyroid, and she was on medication but I think quite recently she was just on propanolol, no longer carbimazole, which I assume her TFT must've went to normal.

quite recently she had an ECG checked and the doctor recommended her to take warfarin. from this alone I assume the ECG shows atrial fibrillation and she is at high risk of stroke. she couldn't take it all in, I guess. she got quite stressed about needing to avoid eating certain veggies (which she loved) and that she need to have her blood checked every now and then, and that she's at risk of bleeding. she refused the warfarin, simply saying to the doctor, "I still want to eat those veggies".

and earlier today, she told me how her besan who has diabetes and hypertension, stopped taking medications and started drinking water used to wash his hand after meal, along with du'a syifa'. I'm not questioning the du'a, but knowing the science behind it, I know diabetes and hypertension is a silent killer. I gave some more nagging about how diabetes affects the vessels, about gangrenous foot, about getting sepsis.

Like seriously, I've seen enough strokees and hideous gangrenous ulcerating diabetic foot that I don't want them to have it. Honestly, my heart breaks when I failed to convince her to take it. Perhaps, out of frustration I said to them, "tu la suruh orang jadi doktor, kan da kena bebel".

it is a challenge, since yeah, old age will make you feel like your end is near, so why bother when you want to enjoy your remaining time? but hey, will life be that enjoyable when you lament over limp arms and legs, or looking at the remaining stump on your leg?

O Allah, please take care of them as they have taken care of me when I was little. Please make me to be able to take care of them in their times of need. Please protect them from such ailments...

Ameen....

Friday 20 September 2013

paradox

bismillah

A good friend of mine quoted what our lecturer said to him.
It's about the paradox of freedom of choice.
People think that they will be happy the freedom of choice,
but instead, the more choice people have, the more stressful it is.

Ever went to a restaurant where they served just too many kinds of food, you feel stressed just to choose which you should eat? Familiar experience right?
When we were growing up, you would eat just about anything your mum serve, and really, that was bliss, ain't it?

Stumbled upon a verse which says pretty much the same thing, though not directly related.

Allah has given an example: There is a man (enslaved and) owned by some partners having rivalry with each other, and (on the other hand,) there is a man solely owned by a single man. Can they be equal in comparison? 5Praise be to Allah! (The truth stands established). But, most of them do not know. 
Az-Zumar 39:29
Interesting thing about us is that, we are servants, but we get to choose (though not wholly) who our masters are. We just put ourselves under the control of too many things nowadays, that we get really stressed about it. We let ourselves being controlled by capitalism, materialism, expectations from others, and so many other ideologies. Why not choose just one to submit to, and really, won't that be bliss?
Ain't an easy job, really, cuz once your heart is attached to something, it's hard to believe in just one.
Harus usaha!

Sunday 15 September 2013

tz

bismillah

I was watching the video and a strong sense of longing came back.
But yeah, I should just put it pass me, cuz, well, I've had one before, and it's time for tarbiyah dzatiyyah.
I can't always be looking for the ideal naqib, I should try and be one myself, at least to my beloved wife.

to my beloved wife,
I just hope I'll be able to guide you to become a great madrasah for our future children.
insyaaAllah, may they too grow up to become even greater madrasah for the future generation.

some might say, the scripts are somewhat poyo, jalan cerita tah pape, too ideal and unreal or whatever.
the message is there. try and get the message.


mood: rindu rusuk kiri

shocker

Bismillah

Just finished usrah for today, and in the end, I was left with this feeling that, really, I am ungrateful towards the many blessings Allah has bestowed upon me.

I got an usrah to attend, when many others would dream one but never get the chance to have it.
It often customary, ritualistic kind of, to say at the beginning of a sitting, that we should be grateful to be able to attend such meeting, where the angels are spreading their wings over us and all, but only now I can feel how fortunate I am.
I used to complain, how my naqib should've been this way and that way, and yadda yadda, whereas me? What did I do?

I'm in a good university, studying something not everyone can pursue on, yet I'm still feeling ungrateful, feeling I should better off studying something else, something that suit me better. And it's a struggle to keep my motivation up. Well, how about this? Be grateful and use that to push yourself harder.

And really, I've got a great wife by my side (even though not physically at the moment), yet I haven't done much to improve myself as her husband...

Really, what have I been doing with my life?

As she would've said to me, suck it up!
Gotta pick myself up and get going.
It's funny when people are looking up at me, yet I'm looking down on myself.
People have hopes on me, I loose it from myself.
Suck it up, mate!

purposely took up the task for next week's usrah cuz I think I'd need it, without really thinking if I'd have time for it. but hey, you make the time for it, right?
my soul in serious need of a shock by a defib right now.

Wednesday 28 August 2013

sugar II

bismillah

I guess Dad's gone tired of me.
Now it is often a battle, with my Mom on his side sometimes.
I often nag them both now for their indulgence in something for "just a little bit".
I think he's starting to have those cravings for sugar.

After dinner, lunch or breakfast, any given time, he'd ask if we wanted something to munch on.
Kerepek and biskut raya while watching TV, "we're just finishing what needs to be finished off".
Carbonated drinks, which known to many contains lotsa lotsa sugar.
The cempedak a good friend of his gave us, he couldn't wait for later even when we're already full with lunch. Told him to try just one and eat some more later. He gobbled up three instead.
Once I saw the familiar container in the sink after lunch, and so I asked,
"Makan tapai eh tadi?" with a grin.
His face was somewhat a cross between "I'm busted!" and "Don't treat me like a kid!"
Made lime and honey drink and I added two spoons of sugar (atop few table spoons of honey!) which to me is plenty.
He said to add three or four spoons more. I said no. The max I'll put in is two.
Which I did.

If I was Alpha I'd go "Aiyaiyai yayai~" while shaking my head...

.
..
...
....
.....

me, myself, am gaining weight...
I used to have a valley on my tummy.
Got ridges and all.
Slowly it goes on to become a flatland,
and bit by bit, especially since Raya came in,
mounds and mounds of fatty blubber started to pile up,
rising up to become a small hill.
just hope it'll stop becoming a mountain, and better yet, slowly goes back being a beautiful valley.

mencangkul gunung lama-lama jadi rata, insyaaAllah.
kena mula "mencangkul"!

central obesity raises the risk of getting diabetes.

Aiyaiya yayai~

a visit to my past

bismillah

today I've got the chance to visit my old college, and really, where and when it all began.
right when I lay my eyes on the familiar landscape, I started to feel somewhat at home.
how I miss that place.
and felt pretty great when those great people of my past can still remember me.
oh well, at least recognize my face, since I am quite a silent type.
I just often appear during functions and events, snapping away snapshots of the event, or tweaking the projector and speakers and stuffs, silent, most of the time.
I find me feeling amused with myself, that I happened to go and greet and had a brief chat with a teacher who didn't even teach me, and quite a sustainable one too.
but yeah, as you can expect, she did most of the talking.
some still had our class pictures, know our names, started talking about who's got married and stuff.
and I have to say, I'm quite ashamed that I failed to remember the name of quite a number.
well, as they always say, "Cikgu memang ingat student, student yang tak ingat cikgu..."

of all those teachers, there's this one particular teacher whom I'm eager to meet.
I guess I respected her the most. she was also the advisor of a club that I'm actively participated.
a club which was created for the purpose of da'wah, really.
she took care of us, really concerned about us, not just academically but also on some personal level, the sort of relationship you don't get to have when in university.
she even took me to the club's meeting, just so that I can see how they are, and probably to let me share something. and I did. just a few snippets from my mind that I think they should know, which turned out to be a bit like a tazkirah. (saw a girl somewhat drowsy as I started talking... T___T).
can't help but think, how I've changed since then.
I wouldn't have the courage to talk to them if it was years back.

then as we went to the masjid for zuhr prayer, I can't help but smile, reminiscing the old times.
the white screen and projector of which our batch has collected money to donate to the masjid.
the verandah where the tabligh team would usually have their meetings, the other side of the masjid where our "rival" would have their usrah, the back verandah where we would just sit back and recite ma'thurat after 'asr prayer and tazkirah by anyone who would want to volunteer, while some of us would rest our head on a friend's lap, or listening to Ustaz Zahazan's tafseer on IKIM at 6.30am after fajr.

and there it is, that particular spot where we would usually have our usrah, on lazy Friday afternoons...
that particular time when things sort of start to slow down as everybody take that chance to indulge into a deep slumber, welcoming the weekend.
it was often a battle, trying to reason myself to leave my bed to go to usrah. oh well, sometimes I'm the one going from room to room of my usrahmates', to wake them up, but most of the time for the sole reason that I won't go there alone, fearing the awkward moment that was often present if I were to be left alone with my naqib. he's quite the silent type himself, so silent meets silent equals to cricket sounds louder than us.

sometimes I do wonder if he purposely chose that particular time, as a tarbiyah for us to learn to choose between the should or the want. if he did, alhamdulillah, he succeeded in that. choose iman over nafs. alhamdulillah, thummal hamdulillah for the chance for me to get tarbiyah.

well, 4 years has passed since I've left the college, and so it seems I haven't advanced much from where I left off. but nonetheless, I've learnt a lot when I was abroad, which shaped me into who I am today. alhamdulillah for His Plannings. He is indeed the Best of Planner.

alhamdulillah for that trip. I kinda needed it.
rejuvenated my spirit in some way, alhamdulillah.
one more year left for me to leave a mark in my current university.
one more year left to build a foundation in me, so that I'll be steadfast in this deen and da'wah.
insyaaAllah.
I need to make the best of it.
insyaaAllah.

Thursday 22 August 2013

Introspecting me

Ear candy : Good time-Owl City

I’m just going to record this for the sake of memory. I’ve developed a routine now that I’m starting to get used to living in this house. I’ve timed how long it took me to get to class from this house and it took me 15 minutes plus minus a minute. I usually walk when I don’t ask for a lift from Kak W.

When it was time for me to walk on my own, I thought the journey home was gonna suck because it seemed so far but funny thing is, I seem to enjoy the walk. Perhaps the loneliness of missing my husband badly turned what was supposed to be something difficult into something enjoyable. It became like a walk in the park, and well literally I WAS walking though not in the park. I’m starting to lose my train of thought so let me just get back to where I left off.

Even living in this house feels as natural as drinking water. The minute I get home I’ll usually get things settled, usually my personal chores and took my afternoon shower. Then I’ll start on my revision or studying and I find the solitude in this room of 4 people calming. Perhaps I’m combating the loneliness that I felt by keeping myself occupied and this is good I think. At least it’s getting me to study.

The only time that I dread is when I had to go out of the room because that’s when I will have to face the other 6 or less people living in this house. I don’t really hate meeting people, really. I’m usually quick at welcoming new relationships but then I guess this is where my anxiety comes in.

All my life, I did everything I could to avoid making mistakes and usually I will blame myself when something goes wrong, even when it was not really a big deal.

I make a big deal of my mistakes and I am really glad that Allah lead me to dentistry because I get to learn this wonderful subject they call ‘Behavioural Science’.

As I was given the lectures on Behavioural Science, I find myself more understanding of myself, why I behaved such and such, and why I reacted so violently towards myself. With understanding of my behaviour, I find myself becoming more compassionate and crying is no longer thought as a stupid thing to do.

I’m glad, really.

Alhamdulillah He finally answered my question that I have been asking myself for so long since I enter Dentistry because to be honest, Dentistry is not exactly what I have in mind for a career. Well, that goes for everything else. I’m really clueless, I know, but I’m past that now.

I now know what I want to do and this time I am really going to enjoy learning throughout the course.


This is my first post

Ear candy : What I’ve Done-Linkin Park

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

This is my first appearance here. Anyways, it has been a few days since I moved in this house of 11 people. It’s a bungalow and I’m sharing the master bedroom with 3 other ladies. The environment is different, and it kind of reminds me of the feeling that I had when I was renting back in Seri Iskandar, Perak. It’s really cool anyways. It has been just a few days and I tried to smile at those who wouldn’t even make eye contact with me and even when they didn’t smile back I didn’t really take it to heart. Yup, I don’t. In that sense, I have a feeling that I have changed slightly. At least I am further from my old self now. Baby steps. I’m getting there. Not immediately, but definitely. InshaAllah.

You know, talking about change, I am kind of desperate for it. When I resumed reading Purification Of The Heart, by Hamza Yusuf, although I’ve finished reading the introduction and I’m supposed to go on to the next page, I can’t. I feel the need to start over again. It kind of feels like I want to absorb everything written in the book, in hope that it will change me, that it will somehow switch the ON button of my obstinate heart.

It started during our first anniversary dinner. Me and husband were waiting for our orders and while waiting, we did a post-mortem of our marriage. Discussing our lacking and things that we need to improve, I found that there’s a lot, especially when it comes to me, and it almost overwhelmed me had I not calm down by the sight of food appearing on our table.


There’s so much to change and thus began my journey here to join my husband in pursuit of piety. Ameen Ya Rabb. 

carcinogenic

bismillah



"If we're not able to be alone, we'll only able to know how to be lonely."

the quote I quoted in my presentation.
an ailment less acknowledged, but suffered by too many, without them knowing.
perhaps it's like cancer, it eats you up from within, very sinister in its action.

or perhaps you can think of it like this. 
each individual is a cell, which makes up a body, the community. 
and that cancer is affecting each individual, thus, crumbling that body, slowly, as each cell disintegrates from the bigger group. 

some cells are more resistant, some are more vulnerable. 
and there's a need for a response team to response to such insult. 
there's a need to recognize the antigen, thus rendering the response team into action. 
when there's a failure to recognize, then there's a failure to cope, to prevent further damage. 
when being able to recognize, thus the next step would be to have the appropriate amount of energy in the response team. 

the society is disintegrating, weakening social, physical strength of it. 

we are losing so many values that were taught by the generations before us,
being good to neighbours, care for one another, people got into accident and the first thing you do is to lend a helping hand, not taking a snapshot and post it on Instagram or the likes of it. 
making a conversation seemed like an awkward thing to do, and I tell you, I'm like that myself. 
you saw something done incorrectly, the right thing to do would be to correct it,
but no, hey somebody else can do it, let me just tweet it or post it on Facebook, hoping that it'll somehow reach that person, even when that person is not in the friends list. 
why take a detour, when you can give an effect right away, when he's right in front of you instead of taking the long way through different routes which has no guarantee whatsoever that it'll reach that person? 

it's not about terminating technology. 
it's about giving the appropriate response. 
using it, instead of being used. 

as we reproduce, creating new "cells" each day, 

now these "cells" are even more vulnerable and needs extra protection. 
heal ourselves, so that we won't pass the faulty genes to our offspring, insyaaAllah. 

Monday 19 August 2013

the sms

Written on June 17 2013.
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu.

I received an SMS today, one which I anxiously waited for but I didn't really put high hopes on. Talked to my mummy-in-law regarding me never had any contact Daddy after months of marriage and how I feel bad about it and so she said perhaps I should give him a call when I'm in Sabah.

So here I am in KK, and yesterday was Father's Day. I decided to text him yesterday but was talking to my wife after a long trip north to The Tip of Borneo (which was really spectacular) and end up sleeping from the exhaustion and I fell asleep.

Realized the unfinished business this morning and so I texted him before going to the hospital, and anxiously waited for a reply but it didn't come. Went to hospital as usual and totally forgotten about it. It was around 5pm that his reply came.

“TQ. Daddy dan family semua sihat”. 

Alhamdulillah. He doesn't seem to be mad or anything. So I guess the next step would be to call him. I really hope things will work out between us, and between him and my wife.
Rabbi yaseer, wa la tu'aseer...

***
Aug 20th 2013, 4.39AM

Alhamdulillah, things went pretty well.
We came to pick them up at LCCT, and all that I can comment is, it's weirdly OK, as if nothing ever happened in the past. And one of the first few things we talked about when they've settled down in the hotel is regarding his wishes to organize a reception for us back in Mukah, and he's the one initiating the topic.
Even Mummy was surprised when he mentioned it to my parents during his first meeting with them. (He didn't tell Mummy about the plan...)

Alhamdulillah, thummal hamdulillah.

suicide note

Written on June 19 2013
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Yesterday I did my first CPR on a real person, pretty late for some people, I guess. It was a rather sad case, though. A male in his 20s, commited suicide by hanging himself. We couldn't save him. The HO said usually if it's more than 5 cycle, the chances are very slim, but as for formality, the CPR need to go on for 7 cycles or up till 30 mins, which me and my friend had to go through (but that was like easy for them)...
I am not really fit to be honest. *sigh*

When the nurse told us to stop, it was quite a relief for us. Tiring really. Then I took a moment to look at the lifeless body. Looked at the strangulation mark around his neck. Looked at his half open eyes, and I wonder, what is it that made him do that. Is it worth it?
Did his misery end, though? What now? In the hereafter, I don't think I have to say anything more
about it.

Few minutes after we stopped the CPR, a lady came in crying with two other guys, his family I assume. One thing suiciders don't really think about are the miseries of those around them, after they ended their worldly miseries. What matters is they've ended theirs. No one else matters. Families and friends.

Families, especially. Just imagine what his parents and siblings would feel. Is it their fault? Could they have done something to stop it? Why didn't they see it coming? They will be scarred for life, haunted by the shroud of mystery surrounding his death, and guilt.

What if they have children? Mummy where's Daddy? Why did Daddy do it? Daddy don't love us anymore? Why do my friends all say my dad is in hell? Why are they saying nasty things about Daddy, Mummy?

Totally emotionally traumatic for the children, and how do you suppose the mummy would feel, trying to answer those questions?

The end of your misery is the beginning, or perhaps the prolongation of others' suffering. What a way to end your life with.

Idiot

Written on June 17 2013
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Watching 3 Idiots, and now seeing my best friend quit his job to take on a job that he think he will enjoy rather than his old job made me rethink about my own life, my own journey. I used to dream of becoming National Geographic's photographer or cameraman and go on field trips around the world. Even now whenever I turn on the TV, the channels I would go for would be cooking channels, or documentaries like
NatGeo or Discovery Channel or the likes of it. When I do watch it, I still have that desire to be there, doing what they are doing.

I used to dream about being a writer. I used to write pretty well, as my friends told me. But now I can't seem to write anything good or inspiring. I don't know why. Perhaps it's that dark past of mine... Or maybe not..
And now I'm a medical student, and a pretty lousy one at it. And oh, a married one.

It seems now that I'm not good with anything I do. I can't write. My photography skills are quite OK I guess but ain't much to it. I'm not a good medical student, forgetting almost everything I've learnt (OK, this is an exaggeration). I'm a husband with no income and we both are currently facing some financial difficulties.

The only two things that I think I can focus and try to be good at is to try and be a good son to my parents and family, and to be a good husband. Sometimes it's a juggle. Tried my best in terms of knowledge and tarbiyah but I think I don't have enough yet. My own tarbiyah seems a bit wavy, somewhat forgotten, or perhaps they wanted to focus on a more energetic and spirited junior. Unlike me, been a long time under tarbiyah but still like this, and really, I think I'm deteriorating. Struggling to even be a good Muslim, let alone a da'ie.

I seem to have lost myself a long time ago. Zarith Shafie is gone with the sands of time.
Just hope that at least, I can make a difference in my parents' life, and to my wife's life. That I mattered. That I get to leave a mark on their life, a good one.

***
Aug 20th 2013, 4.32AM

Just ranting, really. I shouldn't really feel that way. I should do the best in whatever I do, medical students, daie. being a son and husband. That's how Muslims should be. So yeah, just ranting back then...

alcoholism

Written on July 1st 2013, 4.40am
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Having my Vico after coming back from ETD.
Decided to join in the night shift at 12.30am and went back at 4 since the busy night seemed to have settled down. Seeing that case and a few others throughout my A&E elective posting, I just can't help feeling annoyed with alcoholism. I know that there are some benefits to it but seeing those cases is enough to make me see the weight of the harm it causes to the society. Drunkards getting withdrawal symptoms, MVA cases due to being under alcohol influence. And tonight's case has a Muslim name to him. A binge drinker, according to the notes.

I can only feel disgusted when it comes to alcohol. The smell itself is pretty yucky, I can't imagine how people can let it slide through their tongue and throat. Looking at them all drowsy and mumbling to themselves, trying to get off the bed 2 to go to some fantasy land when all the HOs and MOs are busy treating other patients only to fumble and slip. I helped him up, with utter annoyance and disgust. I don't hate him. I hate the deed itself.

Had a short, inconclusive discussion with my peers regarding the issue of whether a Muslim nation with kafeer zimmi in it should ban alcohol completely or not. I still believe in what I said. Islam is sent to all mankind, so Islam is offering not only protection to the 'aql (mind, intellect) of Muslims, but it is for all, regardless of their religion, because truly it is affecting everyone inclusively and not selectively, to the drinker directly and to those around them and the society as a whole.

p/s: a "she-male" was wheeled-in looking drowsy. All the
nurses were like "Go for the orange branula!" He was being
laughed at, and the nurses said we can experiment on him with
the branula as many times as we want. To that, I have no
comment. Huhu.. He did look a lot like a girl, though. The make
up, long hair, no hair on his legs, the attire. But the chest is
totally flat, of course.

sesak

Bismillah

Aku perlu nafas baru. 
Sesak bernafas dalam jiwa macam ni. 

Komplen dan komplen, tapi mana amal ku? 

Astaghfirullah....

hakeem

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Teringat satu babak dalam drama Islam KTP, sebuah drama Islamik dari Indonesia.
Alkisah seorang bapa yang ada anak yang sedikit bermasalah, lalu pergi mengadu dengan Bang Ali.

Bapak: Sudah bermacam cara aku guna, cara lembut, cara kasar, semua tak menjadi.
Bang Ali: Kau sudah cuba cara berhikmah?
Bapak: ???

Asalnya aku sendiri tak faham, tapi alhamdulillah selepas mengharungi rumah tangga selama setahun dan melihat macam-macam keluarga terdekat dan jauh, I think I get the gist of it. Sebelum ni, aku selalu fikir cara lembut adalah paling berhimah.
Cara lembut, baik itu tak semestinya berhikmah, cara kasar itu juga tak semestinya tak berhikmah. In fact, boleh jadi tak buat apa-apa pun adalah satu tindakan berhikmah.

Berhikmah itu bila mendatangkan kesan pada hati.
Dan harus juga faham, kita berusaha, tapi hasilnya, Allah yang tentukan. Yang penting, kita usaha carikan, apa tindakan yang terbaik. Hikmah itu boleh datang kemudian, boleh datang serta merta. Kita usahakan saja.

Membuatkan aku teringat kata-kata seorang brother Arab masa menuntut di UK dulu.
Dia komen tentang nama aku, dan antara yang disebut adalah, sebelum seseorang tu mencapai tahap Hikmah/Hakeem, dia perlu dulu ada Haleem.
Haleem itu sabar, Haleem itu lembut, Haleem itu sopan. Haleem itu menyalurkan emosi at the right place and at the right time, for the right situation. 

Hilm is an intelligence that, in our terms, allows someone to control their anger, even if their anger is justified. It allows you to, when you are justifiably angry, control it and not manifest it.
-wiki-
(okay wiki isn't really a reliable source to quote but yeah, I believe this is correct) 
Hakeem/Hikmah padaku perlu ada trial and error. Cuba buat, tengok betul ke salah, bersabar, dan betulkan dan betulkan dan betulkan, dan sabar dan sabar dan sabar. Maka di sini perlunya hadir Haleem. Boleh jadi terus betul dalam cubaan pertama, tapi tidak mungkin akan terus betul pada setiap percubaan. Dan mungkin, lagi banyak kita silap, lebih berhikmah kita, sebab kita dah cuba banyak possible wrong ways, maka mengecilkan ruang untuk berjumpa solusi yang lebih tepat, mungkin dalam situasi yang berbeza tapi similar.

Kerana Hakeem itu bijaksana. Hakeem itu bukan accidental. Hakeem itu perlukan pemikiran dan pertimbangan. Hakeem itu bukan ikut nasib. Hakeem itu bila well-informed, bila berpengalaman.

Aku masih banyak berbuat silap, masih terlalu jauh dari berhikmah, tapi nonetheless, alhamdulillah thummal hamdulillah, dikurniakan isteri yang cukup penyabar dengan silapku.

Risau bila kerap kali nampak dalam berita, kes-kes dera anak, pukul isteri teruk-teruk. Kalau tak ada Haleem, apakah akan ada Hakeem? Kalau tak ada Hakeem, ke mana hala tuju rumahtangga dan anak-anak?

Saturday 17 August 2013

C&A

I stood in awe, gaping at the titles.
"The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog"
It caught my eye and then looking at all the other titles left me hoping I had lotsa money so I can read all of them.
I guess I can safely say now, that I wanted to be a Childhood and Adolescent Psychiatrist.
I often look at kids and really, just wonder what's in their mind, what's their parents are like, why they are behaving like so etc etc.

Reminiscing the past, when I was in Form 5, I thought about becoming a psychologist (as well as other dreams, writer, photographer etc). I wanted to know what makes people think what, behaviors and all those things. I like to observe, simply looking at people. I wanted to know more about them.
Oh well, sometimes I dreamed of being able to read minds.

But now as I'm in the medical field from God's planning, the closest that I can get to that is to being a psychiatrist. I can remember, the first few attempts at clerking and presenting a history during Mental Health Rotation, my lecturer said I did it more like a psychologist rather than you know, the proper medical psychiatrist would do.

I know for some people, psychiatry ain't really medical, but hey, I don't care. People often smirks at psychiatrists, but I do believe doctors are supposed to help people, even mentally. It doesn't put psychiatrist short from any other specialties.

One more year till I graduate, be it I didn't flunk anything. Ameen, insyaaAllah.

Tuesday 4 June 2013

sugar

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

as a future doctor, I am often expected to be able to take care of the family medically, and the expectations kinda get at me sometimes.
every now and then when I'm at home, my usual role is to check my parents' BP and glucose level (we got a glucose monitoring kit at home).

just now my dad's glucose reading was really high. the highest so far. and really, he was quite alarmed, and asked me what level of glucose that he would need to take insulin. well, it's not about the level, it's about the control. if with oral antihyperglycaemic agent, the sugar is still constantly high, then insulin is the next step.

i know it must be tiring and annoying for him when I reprimand him about his sugar intake every now and then. being in an army, plus being genetically XY, you can't help but feel your ego being tarnished when you take orders from your underlings, and I kinda understand how it feels, and I feel bad about it but I just had to, because I love him.

right now, a pretty nice timing I must say, TV Al Hijrah is airing a medical related show about diabetes, and he's watching it. I can feel he is very worried about it. especially about the fact that he could go on insulin. the idea of needing a jab everyday is really unpleasant, and I have to say, it is one of the most common thing doctors say to scare patients to control their sugar intake, and for a good reason, really. another really worrying thing DM patients would dread to hear is about having to take dialysis. and true enough, I find it very sad when I see people needing dialysis, 3-4 times a week. it costs a lot, and it just drains your energy. it literally sucks your blood out of your system.

well, having nagged him about sugar intake, I should do so myself. I guess it's the stress, so I tend to crave for sugars myself, honestly. and really, I'm not good with disciplining myself. I got risk factors too. I'm gaining weight, and particularly my abdo is getting flabbier (central obesity is more worrying), and I got family history of it too, so yeah.. I ought to be very worried now. haihhh.. I should listen to myself talking about sugars.
Allah totally detest those believers who happen to say things, but they themselves don't walk the talk. that applies to me, now. *sigh*

I need to exercise!

Sunday 12 May 2013

imam

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Me: Tadi dorang ramai-ramai pergi makan kat luar. Tetiba sorang ni datang sebelum dorang gerak, pesan "Ko tak gi makan kan? Nanti Isya' turun surau eh? Jadi imam untuk budak-budak perempuan."

Wifey: Amboiii~ jadi imam solat je tau, bukan imam hidup dorang!

Me: ^__~

Friday 12 April 2013

"you've gained EXP points!"

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

I have to admit that there are times after prayers that I simply read du'a and not really making du'a with raja' and khauf but when I do ask that Allah make me with stronger imaan to battle my daily trials, I often get the shudders after that. Sometimes it even made me become really careful with what I wished for.
I think it's just simply due to the experience of whenever I do make that du'a, that is when the trials gets real hard, and quite a lot of times, I failed it.

I guess it's a matter of believing in your own self, and that Allah is always there to back you up.
Believing that He doesn't test you with anything that is beyond your capabilities, and that He is testing you with what you can handle, that He KNEW that you ARE able to handle it, so why don't you yourself believe in you? Personally, it's not something that I find easy to actually plant deep in my heart. I always feel inferior, even to myself, and that is what I need to chuck out of my heart. And the irony; my complacence and procrastination.

And yes, trials are meant to teach you anyway. Trials are tarbiyyah from Allah. And well, I asked for it. I asked for a stronger imaan, and kablaammm!! Allah gives me tougher trials to make me strive for the better. Kinda like working out, or training yourself to run. You gotta push yourself for the extra mile for you to improve (which I literally need to do for my physical wellbeing TT___TT ).
Or perhaps like playing RPGs like Pokemon. You get a boost of EXP points if you fight stronger Pokemons, right? That's how life is anyway.

What was I expecting anyway? For my imaan suddenly to boost up out of nowhere? Suddenly I have such immense spiritual strength that I can resist just about any worldly attractions? I guess that's what a lot of people are expecting, and tell you what, it ain't gonna happen. Sometimes yeah, you get a boost of imaan after watching something inspiring, a great video, heard a great talk from somewhere, or simply observe something that really knocked your heart hard that it topples over in submission to Allah, and that's Allah's help for you. To maintain it, that's the harder part, and that is when Allah will test you greatest, based on your capabilities. Don't back down just yet. even when you feel you are weak, cuz you are indeed able to overcome it. You just have to put some more faith in yourself. Which is... yeah, quite a hard part for me...


Do men think that they will be left alone on saying "We believe" and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false. 
Al Ankabut 29 : 2-3

And I have to say, Alhamdulillah, thummal hamdulillah for He answered my prayers always readily, often immediately. He's always there, really, the Ever Listening. Rest assured, He is always there for us.
And I have to say this hundreds of times, Astaghfirullahal 'azheem! for me to not answering my own prayer after He granted it.



p/s: I've written about this same topic a lot of times already, but yeah, as I've written in my previous posts, this is me reminding myself in case I forgot. and I forget things a lot of times. these are just mainly rants for myself. heh.

mow-ney2~

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Attended MSI last night, and it was given by a respectable man that I always look up to.
The way he explain things, it just shows that Islam was in his everyday life, as if all of Islam is in practice and he can simply answer questions and to top that, in a witty way.

Anyways, last night was about Tauhidullah, and tell you what, I've heard about the subject before, pretty much the same thing, but it revived my Iman, knocked on my heart hard and made me ponder about the recent things that I'm facing.

The greatest impact would be regarding Allah as Raazeeq, the Sustainer. I'm often worried due to the fact that I'm not yet working and I am unable to support my wife with material nafkah, often worried if she has enough to it, worried that we didn't have much contingency money et cetera.
It has always been Allah who gives, really. And to actually believe in that, is sometimes hard.
Allah is Al-Malik, the Owner of All things, thus He can give, and take anything from us at His pleasure, and we need to have redha in that. Redha, simple word, but very deep meaning.
With regards to not being able to support my wife, perhaps it's more of a sense of responsibility, being afraid that I'll be questioned about it, but yeah, Allah gives in any way possible, beyond our imagination.
And alhamdulillah, just yesterday we've got quite a huge sum of money (well, to me that's huge). Oh well, it's her money, I believe.

And then he pose a question. How come there's still suffering and poverty and starvation when Allah is indeed the Sustainer?
That brings us to the problem of distribution. We need to acknowledge that some are given wealth of some kind, and in it are proportions that are meant to be distributed, that are meant to be a rizq of others.
Yesterday's talk brought us about the many problems with governments (and not just Malaysian, really) and gave me some insight on how a Muslim government's attitude should be with regards to treating the Non-Muslims etcetera. Such a beautiful country/world if Islam was ever implemented fully.
Who should we prioritize when giving scholarships, wealths etcetera. We've allowed us to be hated due to the injustice that we are doing now.

And there's also some parenting tips shared.
Age 0-7 years old is the play and exploration period, not the discipline period, so perhaps, we should just let our children play.
Age 8-14, the discipline period. During this period is also the period when solat should be introduced, and by the age of 10, we are allowed to hit our child if he doesn't want to pray. But of course, hitting with love.
15-21 is somewhat the period to be friends with them, if I didn't hear it wrongly... huhuhu... of which the period that we can't treat them like kids anymore. It's demoralizing them, actually.

And with regards to rizq, I respected him when he said that his family rarely eat KFC and such cuz he feels that it is a waste. You are paying more for the branding and promotion and not really for the food. He often compare the price with how many more people can he share a food with the same price. E.g. KFC vs if he buy a chicken and cook for ikhwahs. and yeah, that is how I feel sometimes. But well, sometimes you feel like you want some luxury for yourself and can't seem to resist it sometimes... *sigh*
Hopefully me and my family can live humbly, thinking about others as well as we eat and do things, being grateful with everything we have. And it starts with me.

Alhamdulillah...

Saturday 16 March 2013

where am I?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Heard quite a number of losses lately. A friend of mine lost his best friend few weeks back.
And just yesterday, arwah Iman passed away.
When I heard he was in ICU and that his BP that time was 40/20, I started to think that he won't make it.
Had an MVA, and heard that his liver was crushed or something.
Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi raji'un.

I am not that close to him, to be honest. I was up in the north, and he was way down there,
so we only met when there were big events like PMS, Spring camp etc, or when I went down to London.
When he died, I'm not sure of what I should feel...
Probably, yeah... it took some time for it to sink in. It was a similar feeling when my late grandfather died. I wasn't that close to him either.
When I was alone in my room later, only then I started to feel tears building up, thinking about arwah Iman.

I remember I used to avoid him... Cuz knowing how weak I am compared to him, I felt somewhat embarrassed to be even near him. I was afraid he would ask me things that I couldn't answer. I remember him and he himself admitted this, about him being "radical". Used to be afraid of him because of that. But despite that, he is a caring akh, I can tell.

Posts about him were almost always on my FB wall, updating about his condition and asking people to pray for him before he passed away, and today, still. As an akh pointed out, he wasn't that famous when lived, but now, it's almost entirely about him on my wall.

I remember a quote that I liked.
"Don't make you presence noticed, but rather, make your absence felt."
and perhaps, that's how it is with him.

It made me wonder, how will it be if it's me.
Will my absence be felt?

Don't get me wrong.
I know that whatever we do, don't do it for the recognition of men.
That's what we call sincerity. Doing everything for the sake of Allah, and Him alone.
I know there's a hadith Qudsi (I think) about 3 people being asked by Allah in the Day of Judgement.
1st is a scholar, who says he is rightful for Jannah for teaching many students, but Allah says no, cuz he did it for the sake of popularity, for people to praise him for his knowledge.
2nd is a warrior who died in the battlefield. He claimed he is rightful for Jannah, since he fought for Islam and he claimed martyrdom. But Allah says no, cuz he did it so that people will remember him for his braveness.
...and I can't remember the 3rd one...
but yeah, we do everything for Him and Him alone, no other associations.

But knowing arwah Iman for a short time, I believe I can see sincerity in him.
The way he talk, the way he do things.
And perhaps, Allah rewarded him to be a tazkirah for others, even after his death, reminding everyone that death is close and that we need to prepare for it. Wallahua'lam...

He was the same age as I am, and it's not impossible for death to come to me right after I publish this post.. or perhaps even before I get to finish it. Looking at myself now, I am pretty sure Jannah is still wayyyy out of reach... I don't serve Islam as much as I could. I didn't truly dedicate my life for Islam, despite me reading the Iftitah before Al Fatihah in my solah. Yeah, reading the Iftitah. that's what most of Muslims do, ain't it? We simply read without embracing the meaning. Where am I? Will He notice me among this crowd, or am I just like them?

For my brother Iman, may Allah bless you and your efforts for Islam, may He forgive your sins and put you among the residents of His Jannah, and better yet, if He put you among those who get to be near the Prophet. Rest in peace bro, insyaaAllah.

Zendagi migzara. Life goes on. For me and the rest of you who are still living.
Lets work for our final destination. Jannah, biiznillah...



Akhi, this is for you...



Wednesday 20 February 2013

sweet

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

a friend asked us married friends of his a question..
"are there any sweet ways to make sure your marriage is conflict-free?"

well, to that I answered:

There's no point in getting married if you want it to be conflict-free. It's part of the package, and perhaps, those are the things that'll make it enjoyable and satisfying, be it we're able to handle it accordingly, if not wisely.
There aren't any sweet ways that I know of to make it conflict-free, but there are certainly many sweet ways to handle the conflicts, and those are the things that make it sweet and beautiful.

If your own life got conflicts in it, why do you expect it to be conflict-free when you have 2 souls, 2 life joined together?

You should welcome anger, tears and frowns, cuz if you don't, they'll keep on banging on your door. Perhaps they'll leave, but they'll come back even stronger. Keep it longer and they'll be strong enough to break the door and start an amok in your house, wrecking everything you've built in it. Welcome them, let them in and entertain them. Serve them with patience and reason. After that, bid them farewell. Don't let them stay, cuz laughter and smiles will always sneak in once they're gone.

Wallahua'lam. This is actually a reminder from me after going through 5 months of marriage to the future me, who may be years older than I am now. There'll come a time when I will need to look back at these words and think.


rawrrr~

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Was helping out the occupational therapist in Hospital Permai today to handle and teach the kids.
Quite a bunch of kids, so we were pretty exhausted.
This time, they came at the same time so it was hectic trying to control all of them.

And there was this one time when we were handling 2 kids, one with autism and the other, from the look of it, has ADHD. They couldn't stay put, especially the ADHD kid. They were running around and not following what we were saying and so, the OT lady asked me, "Zul, marah dorang sikit."
And I just smiled....

I don't know if this is a weakness or my strength, but I find it really hard to be angry at people.. even to fake one... It's like.. me trying to open up my eyes as wide as I can and tadaaa~ the widest I can open it is equivalent to a normal person's eye opening up normally.

Sometimes I can't find the reason why I should be angry with them. They were kids and I believe that they should be given the chance to explore their world at their own pace, whatever they wanted first.
But I guess such notion doesn't really apply to them. These kids have impaired focus and they'll shift their attention to something else with a snap. They are unpredictable. One minute they were playing with a drum, the next 5 seconds you'll see them hopping on the trampoline.
They need to be taught on how to focus, and so, discipline they'll need.

I wonder how will I teach my children in the future... Oh well, even to discipline myself is pretty tough..


the boy who wouldn't grow up

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Had my 1st day of clinic for my childhood psychiatry posting and it was interesting.
There was this one peculiar case about a 7 years old kid.
He won't respond if anyone speaks to him in Malay.
When the teacher teaches "satu dua tiga..." he would just stare at her, but when she started teaching "one two three..." only then he would respond.
Whenever a friend talked to him in Malay, still he won't respond but when a friend talked to him in English, he'll play with the friend cheerfully.
What more, he's a Malay. So my supervisor suggested for him to be sent to a special education school but the mum doesn't want to. And so, "international school la~".

Oh well. There was this one case that made me think.
How will it feel like, having a child who'd be stuck at 7 years old or so?
The child was 10 going to be 11, but intellectually he is at the 7 years old milestone.
And he is really cute and adorable. Really. Oh he has ADHD by the way, plus some learning disability as a co-morbidity.
Last year I also met a 30+ years old patient but intellectually, he's about 11.
I just thought, perhaps it'll be nice to have such kids...
He'll stay a kid for us, being manja and all. He won't be those grown-up kids who would leave their parents and totally forget about them. He'll be afraid to venture out into the big bad world.
You will always have a kid.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Heh. Nope. It ain't that easy now is it? When you're old, you will want them to take care of you. You'll grow tired yourself by then, and you want them to be by your side. And I think as a parent (which obviously I'm not one yet), to see your kid grow and trying out new things and facing challenges in their own life is somewhat a great feeling. And to know that they'll need you when they need you, that is indescribable.

I guess people are just afraid of being left out. Or was it just me...? hmm..



Monday 18 February 2013

what's your worth?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem


And so I saw this advert and I just can't help feeling disgusted. The message that I get from the ad is this: women = enjoyment/entertainment. You just cannot miss it, right? Women are being put to such a low value and treated as materials, as marketing strategies, or worse, as toys. This is probably a very harsh word but if you look around and see what's happening in the world now, there are some truth in such a statement, isn't it?

It's like we are back in the Dark Ages. Women were then sex slaves where any man can go to just to satisfy his needs or wants. More of the latter, perhaps? They were not allowed to learn and were kept in the darkness of ignorance. They don't get the respect they deserve and their value were almost nonexistent. Prostitution was as old as time and it was acceptable even up to this modern age. You can say some were paid a large amount of money for all these (i.e. high class prostitution, advert models), but to me, that just brought them to an even lower level. It just mean that they can be bought.

The sad truth is, some women just want to be "bought", if you know what I mean. They try their best to make themselves a "bestseller" even at university level, high school level et cetera. There's a lot more in a lady than her body and external beauty, true?

Now Islam acknowledges the value of women. There is even a chapter in the Quran called An-Nisa', which means women. Prostitution and slavery were slowly being erased from the cultural norm of the Arab world back then and they were encouraged to learn. There was this famous hadith that tells us that we need to respect our mother three times more than the father. In terms of leadership, Islam acknowledge the role of women as the leader of the household.

In contrast to the Arab world in the Jahiliyyah period when they would feel as if the world has come to an end when they get a daughter, the Prophet said this,
"Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood - he and I will come (together) on the Day of Resurrection - and he interlaced his fingers (meaning in Paradise)." (Reported by Muslim). 
You get such a high privilege when you groom your daughters into well-mannered, solehah muslimahs because why, they will be the bearer of the next generations. The one whose in their hands are the future. They can change the world, you see.

There a lot of things to mention just to show how Islam put women at such a high level in the society. The point that I just wanted to stress in such a short post is that, there are a LOT more to women than just their physical attributes. Everyone needs to realize this, both men and women. The world needs new colors to it, don't you think? It's just too ugly, the way I see it. Love your sisters (appropriately), daughters, wife, and the highest in the list, your mother. Sisters, don't pay too much attention to your physique. Bring out the potentials in you, your inner beauty and you will shine a whole lot more. You not only can rock the baby to sleep, you can rock the world!



Wallahua'lam.



p/s: this kind of giving your nom de plume a different definition, ayte wifey? heheh. The Rocking Hijabi~


Saturday 16 February 2013

get

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Two instances today reminded me of something.

My friend had diarrhoea. On our way back from Uni after the talk, his housemate wanted to buy 100plus for him to aid his diarrhoea.

We went out for dinner. The other guy didn't have the mood to go out for dinner and I only had a bike so I can only bring one person with me. Asked if he wanted us to tapau anything for him, and he said he'll text us later if he wanted anything. He didn't text. The other friend who was with me, before going back bought buns for him but turned out he was already asleep when we reach the hostel.

Simple events, really. But it reminded me, that used to be me... They didn't ask for anything, but the other friend just simply get them what they think he'd need.
What happened to me?

The past few weeks, I kept on feeling like my friends are abandoning me etc etc.
I guess it's the fear of rejection. Afraid that they'll reject my kindness or stuff.
But hey, I used to be the one giving them unconditionally, like, with just a whim, but now, why am I demanding things from them? Approval, attention..
Like, as if I should get more instead of giving more.

I should start giving again, without thinking much, without hesitation...
Forgive me my friends....


where do you live?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Heard this talk today by Bro Fitri who was a revert himself and few of the things he said got me thinking of how things were and how things are at the moment in my life.

He mentioned an ayat, which I used to recite every morning when I say my gratitude when I woke up. the so-called ayat seribu dinar. People put it up on walls, but they don't really know what it means. You can usually see it in mamak stalls and restaurants, for people believe that you'll get fortune easier if you put it up. I guess it's all because of the part which says that Allah will give you rizq from sources you cannot expect (roughly the meaning). It's a pity when they hung it up, but never got to know what it actually means. I kinda knew the meaning, but I guess it's not deep enough. I used to recite it in my heart, but over time it sort of becomes more of a ritual.


I realized that, I've been fretting about the future too much. Afraid that I'll flunk my 1st SSC. Afraid that I won't make a good doctor, feeling I'm not fit for it. Afraid I won't graduate. I fret over the rizq that I don't even know if it's meant to be mine or not. And at the same time, I didn't do the 1st part of the ayat, the thing that you got to do to attain those rizq that you wanted and a whole lot more He has to offer. That is to have taqwa. Only those who have taqwa, who have firm believe in Him, on His Might to give Rizq, on His Knowledge on the Qada' and Qadr, will get what He has mentioned in the ayat.

I fret over the future too much, that I don't live in the present. I feel hopeless that I don't do what I can do today. I rely on MY strength to get me to where I wanted to be, thus in other words, I pushed away the fact that He is the One who is the Granter of every wishes. I used to be more at peace years ago, when my imaan was way better than how it is now. I don't know if I've reached a level of taqwa, I really don't have the right to say that, but I can feel then was better than now. As Allah mentions in the Quran, verily, with the remembrance of Allah will come peace.

"Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah: for without doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction.
Ar Ra'du 13:28

Another ayat that he brought forward is from surah Muhammad verse 7.


All these verses kind of marry together. When you believe in Him, and not your own might and feeble strength, and you put your heart at rest on Him, you'll gain peace. When you are at peace, then you can achieve more and do lots more than when you are stressed out and one of the crucial things to do to prove your existence is to help Allah and in return, He'll help you, and He'll give you those rizq that you long for, and tonnes others you didn't even ask for consciously and thus you might not appreciate truly, in ways you can never expect!

So my take home message is, believe in Him, rest your heart on Him, and do more. Do more for His sake and for the deen's sake and all your worldly matters will be taken care of insyaaAllah.

This is me reminding me, because I have once forgotten, and now I am reminded, and thus I'm reminding, again...

Wallahua'lam



Friday 1 February 2013

Sweet serenity



Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Saw an elderly couple today at the hospital during the ward rounds, the sweetest one yet. The husband is 74 years old and the wife, 66.

She came in due to chest pain, I think and for the past one month she was getting slower in activity.
The husband was talking to the doctor and all the while cautious about his wife. He would from time to time in a loving way say to his wife, “Jangan marah eh ayang. Takda apa..” etc etc, when he was telling the history, afraid that he'll somehow make her grumpy. And he even kissed her on the cheek in front of us, just to entertain her and make her feel at ease. The sort of kiss that you might think that they are newlyweds. Not inappropriately though.

She was also getting a bit demented the past month and started to lose some of her memory. He was just telling the doctor that once she was cooking rice when she forgot it and it end up being charred. She said to him, in a manja way, “Janganlah cerita... Malu...” and the husband just laughed and said “Takda apa ayang” while carressing her hair.

I wonder what made them still like that, so loving even up till that age. What's their secret? I could bet that if one ever get married just for the physical pleasure of theirs, they wont last that long.
I pray that if we both ever got to that age and death haven't do us part, I do hope that we'll still be together, and as loving as if we just got married.

Ameennn, insyaaAllah.




Wednesday 30 January 2013

external locus of control

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Imagine a patient recently diagnosed with an illness, say, diabetes, and the doctor is explaining what he needed to do, e.g. control his sugar intake, maintain his weight and exercise, taking medications etc etc.

Situation A
The patient listens and understand it's up to him to control his sugar intake, exercise etc and also take his medications with full compliance.

Situation B
The patient simply said, "Skip it doc! Just take my money and give me the best tablets to cure me!
I ain't going to exercise and all. Nobody ain't got time fo dat!"

So you see, situation A is what we call internal locus of control, and situation B, you guessed it right, external locus of control. The former is quite the ideal patient a doctor would want. You give em something, and they know they themselves need to do it if they want to make it happen, whatever that is.

Me, whaddaya know.. I think I'm having the external locus of control. Been having ups and downs for the past few years but mostly downs, and tell you what, yesterday when I was having my downtime again, I prayed for Allah to send me someone to help me. And you know what, I have been praying for that since years ago. There are times that I'd just hope that for all of these things I'm feeling, there's a medical condition that I can blame on. Kind of like a mild hypochondriac.. not the hardcore kind.

It's not right, is it? When we first learnt about this in med school, it hit me that I'm just that, and I kept on wondering should I do, and when I'm starting to feel down, I'd pray for that in desperation. But no, that's not right. Cuz it's all up to me. That person who can come and help me is..simply me. It's not a disease, it's just you.
You know as they say, you are your biggest enemy. You need to face yourself, face your own weaknesses, your own emotions, clean up what's cluttering your mind and insyaaAllah, bring out the pure inner you. Build up your strengths, your potentials. Fight off the jahiliyyah in you, now that's a real mujahadah.

All I need to do is fight it off. It's not easy, but I've been there, or perhaps close enough, and so it's not impossible. Just perhaps this time it'll take a lot more of my strengths. Saw this post on 9GAG (I really should get off of it...), which says "when life just gets harder, that means you've just leveled up!". I guess in a way, my prayers are answered, as I've got my partner-for-life to help me out, alhamdulillah, but really, she won't be able to help me if I don't help myself. That's not how it's supposed to be. It's not like one of those fairy tales when you've found your angel and things instantly turn bright and you live happily ever after. That won't happen in a day, that's for sure. But perhaps, years later, I'll be a changed person. A better man... insyaaAllah..

Ameen...


Monday 28 January 2013

OnComm

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

It's 1 am and I couldn't sleep. Probably because I dozed off in the bus on my way back to Johor earlier today. And so I thought I should write.

It has been 5 months since we're married and I just thought I'd share a lil something I learnt quite recently.
In marriage, communication is super super important and you need that to understand each other.
One of the things that I believe is important to understand along the way is, what sort of things that you do mind but your spouse didn't, and vice versa, and to actually communicate it and try to understand each other.

Like in our case, we're both still studying and dependent on our scholarships to survive and money is real tight, and seriously, being a guy and not being able to give much bugs me. When we went out the other day, I felt bad not being able to bring her to a good place to eat and went for a value meal in a simple restaurant instead. And tell you what, she was OK with that. Like an akh of mine whose marriage just turned 1 year old   not long ago, "It's just psychological". He had his share of similar experience.

It's a great feeling, really, when you know your spouse understands you and accept you as you are, despite her background or habits which are quite the opposite.

You need to communicate that feeling of discontent and not keeping it in. Once you let it out, you let your other half know about it, and insyaaAllah, she'll try to understand it, and you'll gain your reassurance. Perhaps it doesn't apply to all cases and everybody, but keeping it in won't solve much either, I guess.

You need to identify what is it that you mind and see if she minds, and you work it out from there.
If she doesn't mind, you need to learn to comfort yourself not to let it mind you so much that it ruin things. If she does mind, then, try and do something about it if you can.

Key point: communicate. Let the other person know how you're feeling. And work it out from there.


So there, from a feeble 5-months experience of marriage.
It's still a real long journey for us and we're learning many new things as we go along.

insyaaAllah, till Jannah =)

Sunday 27 January 2013

akhi?


Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem


This hit me this morning. Of why I'm feel like going down.
I guess the motto for IKRAM is pretty accurate.
Ukhwah teras kegemilangan.
It's a big thing, really.
And I believe that's what missing, that's what making me feel very empty since last year.

The KMB period was the best, plus, it's where it all started for me.
The best usrahmates and naqib so far, I think.
Then when I went to Newcastle, I was cast all alone to start on my own journey,
with no one to help. It was difficult. Really. But alhamdulillah, I still got my mates back in KMB,
not just my usrahmates, but ikhwahs from KMB too, who are from the same boat and not all alike.
I miss those times, PMS and all, and them asking if I'm doing alright.
They know it's hard in Newcastle, and some of them knew about my conflicts and seemed to care enough.
Despite the conflicts, I don't feel alone. I can feel their ukhuwwah.

Now in Newcastle Malaysia, again, cast alone... Yeap, that's how I feel.
I got mates, but somehow I'm not able to have that click. I guess I'm still weak.
I couldn't stand up on my own. I couldn't push myself. Even to push myself to fulfill my mutabaah 'amal is really hard.
I'm still stagnant, still where I was, like when I left KMB. Seeing the same people around my age, they're somewhere.. Way ahead of me, for sure.

Don't get me wrong. My mates are great. They are great, and they are making progress.
But I couldn't feel their ukhuwwah. I couldn't feel such thing with my naqib as well, which is somewhat worse. Usrah just simply feels like a gathering for 'ilm, and not more than that. I only meet my naqib once a week or a fortnight. No other contact other than usrah. Even when he brought me to a daurah, I was there alone. Heh. I'm still like this after all this years. I can bond with the ikhwahs I just met there, and they are great people, and made me miss the ukhwah I can feel back then, but really, what's hindering me is the fact that I'm still like this... Years and years, but I'm still like this. Felt somewhat ashamed. And I'm not bonding well with my naqib. He's trying his best, really.

This is how people can go futur, right? They'll start to drift away from the pack, and feeling worse and worse and by time, they'll be completely gone. And all they need is ukhuwwah. Someone to pull them back in and help them out, and not judging them. These people, they don't feel like they are part of the pack anymore, and what's worse, the ikhwahs seemed to behaving like so too. When they saw an akh drifting away, they'd assume that he's not interested anymore and they shouldn't do anything, it's his choice anyway. The ustaz's words are stuck in my head. "Kalau dah bertahun, sama je lagi, baik cantas je..."
Made me feel like I don't deserve to be with them, and it's sad.
I just wanted to make a contribution to Islam, with whatever I can do. I guess that's what keep me going, kept me in this path till now. Even if they'd chuck me out, I'd go for something else that I can put my effort in for Islam. Which is kinda sad... Alhamdulillah for my 1st ever true usrah, cuz you people have been the asbab sent by Allah to shape me like who I am. I'll go on doing what I can do insyaaAllah, even if I was chucked out. Even when I'm not with you guys. But hey, I'm not leaving or anything. Not yet. Just saying, just in case...

I miss you people. I miss your ukhuwwah.