akhi?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem


This hit me this morning. Of why I'm feel like going down.
I guess the motto for IKRAM is pretty accurate.
Ukhwah teras kegemilangan.
It's a big thing, really.
And I believe that's what missing, that's what making me feel very empty since last year.

The KMB period was the best, plus, it's where it all started for me.
The best usrahmates and naqib so far, I think.
Then when I went to Newcastle, I was cast all alone to start on my own journey,
with no one to help. It was difficult. Really. But alhamdulillah, I still got my mates back in KMB,
not just my usrahmates, but ikhwahs from KMB too, who are from the same boat and not all alike.
I miss those times, PMS and all, and them asking if I'm doing alright.
They know it's hard in Newcastle, and some of them knew about my conflicts and seemed to care enough.
Despite the conflicts, I don't feel alone. I can feel their ukhuwwah.

Now in Newcastle Malaysia, again, cast alone... Yeap, that's how I feel.
I got mates, but somehow I'm not able to have that click. I guess I'm still weak.
I couldn't stand up on my own. I couldn't push myself. Even to push myself to fulfill my mutabaah 'amal is really hard.
I'm still stagnant, still where I was, like when I left KMB. Seeing the same people around my age, they're somewhere.. Way ahead of me, for sure.

Don't get me wrong. My mates are great. They are great, and they are making progress.
But I couldn't feel their ukhuwwah. I couldn't feel such thing with my naqib as well, which is somewhat worse. Usrah just simply feels like a gathering for 'ilm, and not more than that. I only meet my naqib once a week or a fortnight. No other contact other than usrah. Even when he brought me to a daurah, I was there alone. Heh. I'm still like this after all this years. I can bond with the ikhwahs I just met there, and they are great people, and made me miss the ukhwah I can feel back then, but really, what's hindering me is the fact that I'm still like this... Years and years, but I'm still like this. Felt somewhat ashamed. And I'm not bonding well with my naqib. He's trying his best, really.

This is how people can go futur, right? They'll start to drift away from the pack, and feeling worse and worse and by time, they'll be completely gone. And all they need is ukhuwwah. Someone to pull them back in and help them out, and not judging them. These people, they don't feel like they are part of the pack anymore, and what's worse, the ikhwahs seemed to behaving like so too. When they saw an akh drifting away, they'd assume that he's not interested anymore and they shouldn't do anything, it's his choice anyway. The ustaz's words are stuck in my head. "Kalau dah bertahun, sama je lagi, baik cantas je..."
Made me feel like I don't deserve to be with them, and it's sad.
I just wanted to make a contribution to Islam, with whatever I can do. I guess that's what keep me going, kept me in this path till now. Even if they'd chuck me out, I'd go for something else that I can put my effort in for Islam. Which is kinda sad... Alhamdulillah for my 1st ever true usrah, cuz you people have been the asbab sent by Allah to shape me like who I am. I'll go on doing what I can do insyaaAllah, even if I was chucked out. Even when I'm not with you guys. But hey, I'm not leaving or anything. Not yet. Just saying, just in case...

I miss you people. I miss your ukhuwwah.