suicide note

Written on June 19 2013
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Yesterday I did my first CPR on a real person, pretty late for some people, I guess. It was a rather sad case, though. A male in his 20s, commited suicide by hanging himself. We couldn't save him. The HO said usually if it's more than 5 cycle, the chances are very slim, but as for formality, the CPR need to go on for 7 cycles or up till 30 mins, which me and my friend had to go through (but that was like easy for them)...
I am not really fit to be honest. *sigh*

When the nurse told us to stop, it was quite a relief for us. Tiring really. Then I took a moment to look at the lifeless body. Looked at the strangulation mark around his neck. Looked at his half open eyes, and I wonder, what is it that made him do that. Is it worth it?
Did his misery end, though? What now? In the hereafter, I don't think I have to say anything more
about it.

Few minutes after we stopped the CPR, a lady came in crying with two other guys, his family I assume. One thing suiciders don't really think about are the miseries of those around them, after they ended their worldly miseries. What matters is they've ended theirs. No one else matters. Families and friends.

Families, especially. Just imagine what his parents and siblings would feel. Is it their fault? Could they have done something to stop it? Why didn't they see it coming? They will be scarred for life, haunted by the shroud of mystery surrounding his death, and guilt.

What if they have children? Mummy where's Daddy? Why did Daddy do it? Daddy don't love us anymore? Why do my friends all say my dad is in hell? Why are they saying nasty things about Daddy, Mummy?

Totally emotionally traumatic for the children, and how do you suppose the mummy would feel, trying to answer those questions?

The end of your misery is the beginning, or perhaps the prolongation of others' suffering. What a way to end your life with.