black dog begone

Bismillah

"You are better than you think you are"

While waiting for our Bad Day On-Call session today, the lecturer who was in charge for our Preparation for Practice (P4P) block came to me and ask how was yesterday's teaching. She said the lecturer who was assessing me said I was good and impressed with me. She told me she talked to the other lecturers who have taught to me too, and then she sums up their comment with the above quote.

I guess they were all aware of my problem. "Performance anxiety", as Dr Kevin coined it. The inferiority to other students. I often think that I'm not that good. On another note, I guess they have been discussing about each and everyone of us. We're a really small number, only 20 of us. We've come to know that they would flag up our picture and have lecturers commenting on us or something like that when we were 3rd years. Not sure if they are still doing that now, but it seems to be like it. I wonder if I should feel insecure, thinking that all the lecturers knew about my lack of self-confidence.

I feel quite hard to believe them, actually. Not just them, but also my friends.
There was this one time, I said to my groupmates that I feel I'm really lousy at teaching and she said, "Kau bagus gila kot!".
I wonder if it's just me, focusing on the bad side of me or what. I can't really see what she meant by that.

I guess it probably is. I've been wearing the black dog glasses in front of the mirror that I see myself with all the flaws in me. I need to take it off.
As my wife said it, we need to stop thinking that we're depressed. I need to embrace my strength and put it to good use.
I liked this video. Sums up of what I've felt myself. I still have the black dog, but I'm trying to tame it, and make it smaller. Some days it get big, some days it's really small.