Idiot

Written on June 17 2013
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Watching 3 Idiots, and now seeing my best friend quit his job to take on a job that he think he will enjoy rather than his old job made me rethink about my own life, my own journey. I used to dream of becoming National Geographic's photographer or cameraman and go on field trips around the world. Even now whenever I turn on the TV, the channels I would go for would be cooking channels, or documentaries like
NatGeo or Discovery Channel or the likes of it. When I do watch it, I still have that desire to be there, doing what they are doing.

I used to dream about being a writer. I used to write pretty well, as my friends told me. But now I can't seem to write anything good or inspiring. I don't know why. Perhaps it's that dark past of mine... Or maybe not..
And now I'm a medical student, and a pretty lousy one at it. And oh, a married one.

It seems now that I'm not good with anything I do. I can't write. My photography skills are quite OK I guess but ain't much to it. I'm not a good medical student, forgetting almost everything I've learnt (OK, this is an exaggeration). I'm a husband with no income and we both are currently facing some financial difficulties.

The only two things that I think I can focus and try to be good at is to try and be a good son to my parents and family, and to be a good husband. Sometimes it's a juggle. Tried my best in terms of knowledge and tarbiyah but I think I don't have enough yet. My own tarbiyah seems a bit wavy, somewhat forgotten, or perhaps they wanted to focus on a more energetic and spirited junior. Unlike me, been a long time under tarbiyah but still like this, and really, I think I'm deteriorating. Struggling to even be a good Muslim, let alone a da'ie.

I seem to have lost myself a long time ago. Zarith Shafie is gone with the sands of time.
Just hope that at least, I can make a difference in my parents' life, and to my wife's life. That I mattered. That I get to leave a mark on their life, a good one.

***
Aug 20th 2013, 4.32AM

Just ranting, really. I shouldn't really feel that way. I should do the best in whatever I do, medical students, daie. being a son and husband. That's how Muslims should be. So yeah, just ranting back then...