as time pass by

Jangan pernah menyesal bila kita tahu kita guna masa dengan benda yang baik.

Kadang-kadang orang rasa macam rugi bila spend lebih masa untuk ibadah dan amal-amal soleh, terutama bila kita ada seemingly more important things to do.

Contohnya masa exam.

Masa exam, tak dinafikan sememangnya preparation itu perlu dan seharusnya masa diluangkan lebih sikit untuk focus pada academics. Masa-masa yang sebelum ni diluangkan untuk main game, main futsal, memasak, boleh faham la automatic orang akan cut down, sanggup tak main futsal or X-Box or PSP. Turn masak pun sanggup tolerate. "Esok nak exam, ko tak masak pun tak pe.. Kitorang faham je."

Tapi, am wondering, kenapa masa untuk ibadah pun tiba-tiba harus dipotong?

Sebelum ni boleh pergi masjid untuk solat jemaah yang perlu drive for about 7 minutes, kenapa tidak masa exam? "Sebab nanti imam wirid lama, total masa pergi solat kat masjid nanti jadi 30 minit."

Hmmm.. Why niot?

Sebelum ni sebelum/lepas solat boleh spend just a couple of minutes untuk solat rawatib, kenapa rasa macam tak sempat nak study walaupun kita spend that very same amount of time. 5 minutes at most la kot?

Masa baca Quran diganti dengan masa tambahan untuk baca buku pelajaran.

Simple things, yang sebenarnya tak ambil masa panjang sangat pun, tapi bila ada benda yang "lebih penting" untuk difocuskan, terus amal soleh diletakkan di tangga kedua atau ketiga.

Selalu orang kata quality is more important than quantity. It's not about berapa lama kita spend untuk something, tapi berapa bagusnya kita gunakan masa tu. Mungkin logik akal orang akan fikir, since it's like that, so might as well panjangkan masa study, so that masa yang berkualiti spent for revision tu pun akan sama-sama bertambah la. Tapi at the same time, masa tak berkualiti tu tetap sama-sama memanjang juga dan terbang entah ke mana. So, kenapa tidak masa yang tak berkualiti tu diluangkan untuk ibadah-ibadah sunat as a topup untuk ibadah fardu yang memang tak sepatutnya ditinggalkan.

Orang selalu membicarakan soal berkat. Sebut berkat orang selalu fikirkan redha ibu ayah, mintak dorang doakan kejayaan kita etc etc. Macam mana dengan redha Allah? Pernah dengar dalam satu ceramah, tanda apa yang kita buat tu berkat, adalah bila kita spend little effort for something, tapi hasilnya masyaAllah, sangat-sangat tak setimpal dan lebih dari apa yang kita dah korbankan, be it tenaga, masa etc etc. Even di tempat kerja, satu cara untuk dapatkan keberkatan dalam gaji yang kita terima, cuba kita spend just a couple of minutes untuk solat rawatib lepas solat di surau.

"Tapi boss bayar gaji untuk kerja dari sekian masa ke sekian masa… nanti macam makan gaji buta pulak. Tak amanah dalam guna masa pulak" Well, think again. Boss bayar gaji ke Allah bagi rezeki? Allah bagi dari sekian masa ke sekian masa untuk kita juga, mula dari kita lahir sampai masa ajal tiba, untuk kita "bekerja" dan kutip "hasil" kat dunia ni sebagai bekal kat akhirat.

Dalam soal keduniaan, it's not wrong to work your best untuk capai the best. In fact, itu adalah satu tuntutan untuk angkat Islam di dunia. Supaya orang tak pandang lekeh pada umat Islam, pada Islam. Tapi harus diingat, bukan kerja itu sebagai kehidupan kita dan Islam sebagai pelengkap, tapi Islamlah kehidupan kita, dan kerja/study/worldly affairs adalah pelengkap kepada kehidupan ini.

Ternampak dekat wad Cardiac Care Unit, "A second lost is a myocardium lost".

I'd say, "a second lost is a chance for amal lost"..

Wallahua'lam.

re-emergence

I'm a lizard in a turtle shell,
and I'm coming out.

 Oh well hello world!

(and again, may this one is of benefit to myself in my pursuit of self-improvement and others...)

with love,
~zS

ideals

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem
In the name of Allah, Most Merciful Most Gracious

Each week we'll have a seminar where we'll discuss a case, and at the end of the case study, there will some ethical questions. Latest one is about a dengue patient, with DSS. Potentially fatal,bbut alhamdulillah she recovered, and she wanted to claim her insurance, but in the agreement, dengue fever was not stated, so she couldn't claim it. She needed the money to pay the bills (our lecturer estimated the cost of about RM80 000) and she's a 4th year medical student. 1 more year and she don't have enough money for her fees as she needed to pay for her medical bills.
She came to see the doctor (me, in that simulated case) and asked to not state dengue in the report.
So, what should I do?

I kind of interested in my lecturer's comment.
He said, we tried to teach you about moral and ethics, but in this kind of world, we can never run away from the issue of money.

I remember in my adolescent years,
I imagined a life without money.
Money is considered evil. Everything is free, no charge.
No need to do business, we just give services to one another.
Hungry, just go to any restaurant and eat. The restaurant owner don't have to pay the bills, cuz he can give food to the water/electricity provider, or anyone else can. Doctors help to cure everyone for free. No expensive medical bills no one can't afford. Garbage collectors help everyone by keeping the place clean. Everyone help each other, no charge at all.

I kept on thinking, why can't everybody just understand that we can compliment each other and we don't need money to pay people. An ideal world of mine. heh. Sungguh tak matang punya pemikiran.

I thought that everyone is selfish. Everything should come with a price. Doctors learnt medicine for at least 5 hard years, and garbage collectors don't need such education, so how is that fair to get no pay for the service? Just for an example. Everyone thinks that they've worked hard for themselves. To gain something
for themselves. Not thinking about others.

Remember a quote I saw written on a piece of Post-It in a friend's room.
"We live simply so that others can simply live".
Catchy, and perhaps there are some truths in it.
We often make things complicated for ourselves (read: myself) and end up making others suffer as well, with or without us realizing it.

I still do wonder if such a world could exist.
A world without greed and selfishness.

And oh yeah, we were often provoked to think of emotional factors in making medical decisions. Lots of methods and scoring systems were designed to help us make objective decisions rather than subjective decisions. A way to exclude emotions as an influence.
E.g. the concept of triage. Triage = sorting out. Patients are sorted out according to the severity of their illness and different scoring system calculates who should doctors see first, and avoiding things like "just because this fella is a relative of mine, so he should be seen first" kinda thing. Often a dilemma for doctors, especially when relatives yang persoalkan. Still, I don't think we humans can run away from having emotions. We are not robots, executing commands based on purely facts and figures. It's a blessing that we're given emotions, even bad ones, cuz we can't see the good unless we know the bad.
And again, money issues. Menteri, VVVVIPs always get to be seen first. why? money, status, power. how fair can things be?
Happens all the time, as said by my lecturer.

So, I wonder when and how can things change.
People get advantages just because they have money and power,
the more needy ones are left behind.
I hate that kind of mentality, that we need to respect someone just because they are have a title stuck to their name, just because they are "someone".
Well, my definition of "someone" and "respectable ones" are not the same.
I pray that in the future when I do start my career, I won't be the one with the dollar, RM, pound sterling or whatever currency signs in my eyes down to my heart.

Well, this is the world we're living in.
So, whaddaya say?

with love,
~hS

company

Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Rahim

Setelah berbulan rasanya ter"cuti" dari usrah,
struggle balik-balik cari orang nak contact etc etc,
akhirnya usrah bermula dan few times after that, daurah pertama sejak kembali.
Have to say, sesungguhnya merindui perasaan itu, dan diri ku yang ter"tinggal" bila dah lama tak merasai.

Membuatkan terfikir, betapa TZ tak cukup kuat,
dan betapa bi'ah/environment/surrounding tu sangat penting dalam menentukan macam mana kita.
Suka dengan quote ni, which I've posted a few times dalam blog lama pun.
You are the average of 5 people you're closest to.
Dengan berkawan dan bersahabat, we just can't help to be influenced dengan masing-masing.
Masing-masing give and take, dan up to us untuk pilih apa yang nak give and take. Boleh jadi kita tak sengaja atau sengaja untuk give bad/good things, dan juga at the same time take good/bad things. Yang penting aware.

Dan membuatkan terfikir,
bi'ah yang ku berada sekarang, am not as ideal as I'd hope.
Mengenangkan suasana masa daurah tu,
memang tak pelik kalau masa tu lain, masa ni pula jadi lain.
Again, menggambarkan TZ yang tak cukup mantap.
Jujurnya, terasa sangat-sangat segan dengan semua orang masa daurah tu. Terasa am not one of them. Rasa tak patut rasanya berada di situ, among them great people.

Dan membuatkan terfikir,
since bi'ah sekarang tak cukup baik seperti yang diharapkan,
persoalan sekarang ialah, why not YOU make that bi'ah a better one? Persoalan next step setelah kita cuba usaha untuk perbaiki diri, dan tak berhenti sekadar pada diri sendiri, kita usaha influence orang lain untuk sama-sama jadi baik.

Well, persoalan basic. Guess I needed to go back to the basics. Dan jujurnya diri ini masih banyak kelemahan yang kena dibaiki tapi harusnya berusaha dan berusaha.
Dan sefahamnya saya, usaha yang terbaik adalah praktikal. Susah untuk sekadar bercakap dan bercakap, sedangkan diri sendiri tak buat, dan orang tengok pun, "apahal cakap berapi tapi sendiri macam tu?"
Orang melihat dan orang tetap menilai, what they should take from you. Teruskan beramal soleh, dan indirectly orang sekeliling akan terkesan. Be one of the 5 person closest to a friend.

Dan persoalan bilangan pun penting.
5 person. Kalau lagi ramai, lagilah besar kesannya.
Imagine Nabi Muhammad sorang-sorang nak implement undang-undang Islam tanpa orang lain faham dan bersetuju, maka of course kena reject habis-habisan. Membuatkan terfikir, sekarang sibuk nak amalkan hudud, tapi ramai orang tak faham, dan tak ada sistem yang mencegah, macam mana orang nak terima? I'm not against hudud, of course. It's just there are other necessary measures need to be taken sebelum orang boleh terima.

Dan one of the measures adalah meramaikan orang yang faham.
Dia macam.. not sure how should I put it, tapi imagine dalam satu ruang/bilik, berbincang tentang something, dan bila dah ramai orang setuju sesuatu dan faham sesuatu, yang tak berapa faham ni akan turut sama tersetuju, dan in a way pun akan menyebabkan dia wonder, apa yang aku tak faham macam dorang faham? Dengan suara ramai tu, seolah-olah orang akan menerima benda tu as the truth. Sort of like, "since semua orang accept benda tu as truth, mesti ada something wrong kat aku yang tak dapat nampak that truth". Dan benda ni, even benda yang tak betul pun, andai disetujui ramai, yang faham pun boleh jadi confuse apa yang betul dan salah, kalau tak firm kefahaman.

Dan hari ni saya kena bentang Al Qari'ah dalam usrah.
Pada saya penting untuk fahami arabnya instead of baca je terjemahan jadi most of the time saya akan dengan recording tafseer Bro Nouman Ali Khan, which he explained in great detail dengan words yang digunakan dalam certain surah. Last minute preparation (teruk, I know.. huuhuhuh) baru dengar recording, satu part tu dia ceritakan betapa Allah "mencilok ownership" of certain words.
Contohnya, perkataan Hajj. Sebelum datangnya Islam, hajj itu bermaksud pilgrimage to an important place. Tapi sekarang, Hajj itu exclusive kepada Kaa'bah. Semua orang faham.
Caranya, penyampaian para sahabat pada orang keliling, sampai they all accepted it.

Zaman sekarang, the same. Cuma lebih extensive dan cepat dengan media yang luas dan laju. Perkataan Google, kejap je diterima as a verb. Semua faham kalau kita cakap, "sila Google ya". Sebab ramai orang guna, maka semua pun readily terima.
Fesyen-fesyen pelik-pelik pun muncul, dan ramai terima bila ramai orang gayakan.
Pelik je tengok tudung zaman sekarang. Gaya bonggol unta tu dulu tak faham, sekarang macam dah selalu nampak. Gaya tudung Hana Tajima. Sebelum ni pelik tudung style apa ni, pastu kawan cakap tu Hana Tajima. haihhh..

Kesimpulannya, sangat mudah untuk pengaruhi/dipengaruhi orang. Both, really. Give and take. So as an individual, sangat penting untuk kita aware dan muhasabah, apa sebenarnya yang kita dah give pada orang, dan apa yang kita dah take dari orang. Kita tak sedar kalau tak muhasabah. Muhasabah. Critic diri sendiri. Fikir apa yang dah berubah dan macam mana aku boleh berubah jadi macam tu. Apa aku patut ubah lagi.

Dan andai tak berada dalam bi'ah yang ideal,
persoal diri sendiri,
kenapa tak KITA yang bina bi'ah tu?
Takkan nak terus dipengaruhi dan tak mempengaruhi dengan lebih berfokus?

This is me reminding me of the basics, in case I forgot again... 

since when I've became so... graphic? haihh~

p/s: saya bangga dengan kawan-kawan hasil didikan uni yang ketengahkan aspek biopsychosocial patient dan bukan saja merawat symptoms dan nak discharge patient keluar dari ward secepat mungkin. patient dirawat semua aspek, bukan sekadar symptoms. terbaik~!!


with love,
~hS

brain

Bismillah

warning: this is a diary-like entry. non-benficial. approach with caution.

This morning, yet again, happened another worrying incident, which some might find it funny..
Oh well, I laughed at myself too, but still, it's pretty worrying.
We have a fish pond just outside our house and I was just looking in to see the fishes when I sort of suddenly lost balance and there I go, splash! into the pond. It's been bugging me all day.

These kind of incidents often made me think if there's something wrong with my brain.
Once when I was riding my bike, I sort of suddenly... went blank and by the time I came back to my sense, I almost hit the curb and immediately hit the brakes. Didn't stop in time so I kind of flung forward due to inertia but nothing serious, alhamdulillah. Back abroad, at that time I was kind of in distress and I just sort of walked right into a lamp post, almost grazed off half of my right eyebrow.

Made me think of 1 Litre of Tears.
Heh. Kind of extreme but yeah, sometimes I can feel that I won't live long.
Death is pretty soon.
I just want to serve mankind the best I can before I die.
I want to serve Him, by serving mankind.
He said that if I were to save a soul, I'd save the whole mankind.
Let me have that chance. Before I die.


with love,
~hS

1Malaysia~

Bismillah


Being schooled in MRSM right from Form 1 till Form 5,
my secondary schooling has always been with Malays,
so I must say, it's a pretty new experience to have non-Malay classmates.
I do have non-Malay classmates back in primary school but that was quite a long time ago. Plus, my spoken English was pretty lousy back then, so I have to say I felt some inferiority to them.
I have this one Chinese classmate who I rarely talk to, but she's nice, really.

In that kind of environment, Malays tend to stick to Malays.
Even so when I'm at Uni, there are not that many non-Malays,
so they tend to stick to themselves, and Malays like so.
I personally felt that as something bad,
and often I would feel bad about it, I'd try and join in with the Chinese.
Or try to plan for something that everyone can do together,
to build a bridge, build a bond between us.

Now that we're in the new campus,
each and everyone of us are struggling to fit in to this new environment,
it's kinda funny when even Malays need to translate from English to Malay to talk to Malay patient. Got really used to interviewing and giving instructions to patients in English, I must say. Struggled even with words like palpitations etc etc. A friend of mine kept on directly translating the questions that it sounded pretty awkward. "Adakah makcik pernah cuba menggunakan apa-apa ubat untuk mengurangkan kesakitan". Sounded soooooo weird, right?

And if we are struggling with Malay,
imagine how would the Chinese be.
This one friend of mine said to the patient,
"Makcik, aku tarik langsir aa?"
"Makcik, aku nak tanya soalan ni aa.."
Guess he didn't realize that "aku" is really not appropriate back then.
Now he's alright I think.
Tried to help them translating some questions to Malay since there's quite a lot of patient who can speak only Malay and not English.
But a friend of mine who partnered with another Chinese friend got a Chinese patient, so the two of them talked in Mandarin and my friend just stood there flabbergasted.

It came to me that if they can speak Malay,
how come we didn't take any effort to learn their language?
I remember when we were on our way to our patients' house,
a friend called and I talked in Malay through the phone.
After I'm finished, I dunno why but I asked her, what did she feel listening to me talking in my own language,
and she said that she felt bad and thought it kind of ignorant for them not to even bother to learn other languages when other people can talk in English. I agreed with her, but yeah, I'm suprised to know she felt like that.

Plus, it's a bonus for myself if I can interview Chinese patients.
Patient care could be improved, at least.
And so here I am trying to learn Mandarin.
Asked a friend to teach me, in return I'd help her with her Malay.
Not my 1st attempt to learn Mandarin though.
I remember after PMR, I bought a Mandarin-Malay dictionary (or was it English-Mandarin?) hoping to learn,
but found out that I don't know how to pronounce them. *sigh*. Pretty dumb move, I know =___="
I still have the dictionary at home. Cuz well, I'm a mix of Chinese, Indian and Malay (there you go, 1Malaysia!), but I can only speak Malay. I was forced to watched Hindi movies every Saturday when I was a kid, losing to my mom over the TV, so I kind of caught a few basic Hindi words. I could even sing Kuch Kuch Hota Hai which suprised my Pakistani friend a lot. He often asked me to sing with him. heh. Missing the old days.

Anyway, I've learnt a few basic sentences and questions like how to introduce myself, asking if the patient has any pain, and asking where it is, and more importantly, learnt how to say "I speak little Mandarin!" cuz there would be no use if I can ask and then he would answer with a full story of it, not knowing I don't understand a word he said. So far so good, and it was kinda fun learning.

And I'm not sure since when, I've been pretty sensitive to racism.
I even felt bad when I hear someone used the word Keling instead of Indian cuz I know they don't like it.
And Indon instead of Indonesian. Back abroad, a friend once used the word Indon in front of an Indonesian, and I saw his face changed. And I don't like the word Bangla too. Bangladeshi sounds a lot better.


ps: when we were doing some renovation to our house in Ramadhan as a preparation for raya and my brother's and sister's coming wedding, I was told to clean up the fan. the Bangladeshi who work for the construction came over and helped even though that was not his job and it was lunchtime when he was supposed to get his rest. Kinda touched. Had a brief conversation, and he told me his boss didn't allow him to fast. Pity him. Asked him if he's going back home for raya. He celebrated raya here in Malaysia. *sigh*


with love,
~hS

kejutan

Bismillah


I received a text from mom which says:
"Buka google ************ (a name of a relative) ada kejutan untuk dibaca".

Reading that kind of text, few things came to my mind, and so I rushed to a friend who owns a mobile broadband and googled.
and well, indeed my first few thoughts were right.
Clicked on the very 1st link, to a blog,
they even put her picture in it, so there's no mistake.

She was allegedly labelled as murtad in that blog.
Well, not so trustworthy source, but I'm not suprised to know if that is true.
Knew the family quite well. She's my 2nd cousin (dua pupu, not sure if "2nd cousin" is the appropriate word in English), and I know their story.

Their father, my mom's cousin, married a Chinese lady, their mom, so she reverted to Islam, but he didn't take care of them rightfully, which really disapointed her. I guess from there she left Islam (unofficially), and her children followed suit. She told them not to ever marry a Malay man.

The thing that disappoint my father most is the fact that she was one of those who planned for the Thanksgiving cum majlis berbuka puasa in that church.

I'm not too sure who's fault is it, but I think things would be different if their father did a better job as a Muslim father and husband. Show what Islam really is and what it's not.

We kept a good relationship with them, even though we've had some hints that the mom (not yet the children) has converted back, not to sever any ties, trying to show Islam is not that extreme. I don't know how my dad will treat them knowing that she is one of the committees. *sigh*. I don't know myself. huhu.
I'm not really close to them, but we know each other pretty OK, I guess.
Hope the family will get the guidance from Allah.


with love,
~hS

Dream

Bismillah
I had a dream today, and it woke me up pretty early in the morning.
Won't say it's a nightmare, not a bad dream.
Perhaps it's a sign, and I don't know if I should hope that it won't come true.
Perhaps He wants me to prepare. 

with love,
~hS

mistakes

Bismillah

I am now back in Uni and had a pretty lousy 1st two days.
I don't consider myself as an A-star student, way far from it.
Am not the kind who could memorise everything, especially when there are just thousands of words,
and no pictures.

Landmarks and cardinal signs, I seemed to have missed almost all of them.
The landmarks to look for posterior tibialis pulse, dorsalis pedis, carotid artery,
those kind of stuffs, which I would usually have a wild guess and put my fingers on them,
and I can't describe the landmarks which are pretty basic, I think.
Basic anatomy, basic physiology, basic stuff here and there, lost them all.
Need to revise them all back.
*sigh*
Most of the 1st two years were gone I guess. Kind of dissapointed with myself, but yeah, this is me.
and this is how I learn. I learn more through pictorials, images and flowcharts rather than thousands of words, which rarely stuck in my head. and I learn better through mistakes.

Before, I was really afraid of making mistakes, afraid of what others might think,
like I'm stupid and know nothing,
but now, not sure why, I'm not that afraid of speaking up and make a mistake.
Cuz I think that's the best way for me to remember.
Made a few blunders a few days back in lecture, and it was embarassing at first but I don't care since now I know that what I initially thought was true is wrong. Had a good laugh at myself, and that eased the embarassment a bit. Heh.

And in reality itself, you learn more through mistakes.
You learn to be careful with needles when you once poked yourself when you were a child.
You learn to finish up your homework in time or else you'll get a whip of the cane.
These simple things you get from what you've done,
will tell you that somehow what you've done is either right or wrong,
but I think more often wrong, cuz you seldom get anything when you're right,
cuz you're right.

Commit sins, and you don't realize you've done a sin,
or you don't recognize it as a sin,
then there you go, forever repeating it since you think there is nothing wrong with it.
Realize it's a mistake, then you'll repent. Doesn't mean that you won't ever repeat it,
but realizing that it's a mistake, you'll try your best to avoid it, to keep it at bay.

and I think that is taqwa.
perhaps I've wrote about it in the previous blog, but yeah, I want to remind myself.
Umar (I think), once described taqwa as as if you are walking through this path full of thorns on the side.
You'll try your best to avoid the thorns, calculating every steps you take as to minimize the wounds you'll get at the end of the road.

to realize there are thorns in this road of life, that's taqwa.
if you don't feel the pain, you don't know they're thorns,
then you'll walking so freely not realizing you're bleeding to death.
as if you are "anaesthesized" to the worldly threats to your iman, your heart.

and I think through making mistakes, then you'll know the true value of not doing it.
Had my share of experiences. I agree with a Shaolin phylosophy,
which states that in order to feel something, you will need to feel the opposite.
You don't what happiness felt like if you don't know how sad is.
You don't know invincibility if you've never felt any pain.
You don't know hot if you've never experience cold.
We always compare, to have and to not have.

I guess this is what is lacking with born Muslims.
You just can't really compare how would it be like if you are not a Muslim.
not to say that you should try,
but we should learn the true beauty of Islam, by mainly observation and knowing why such things are designated for us human as a whole. to make sense of it. to see a bigger picture of everything.

ps: will be going to hospital tomorrow, and  we need to have a check on real life patients' heart,
looking into ECGs and Xrays. need to take a full history, including thinking about managements and this is the part I dread the most. hardly remember all those drugs! may Allah make things easy for me, and ease my way into learning all this.

pps: pakcik yang volunteer jadi patient tadi pun cakap "susah eh jadi doktor ni?"
Ya, pakcik!! but yeah, apa je yang senang. Engineer, cikgu, nothing is that easy. there's always a challenge in everything.

with love,
~hS

merdeka raya

Bismillah

Raya tahun ni, nampaknya tersekali dengan sambutan kemerdekaan malaysia.
dan saya personally merasakan sambutan merdeka tenggelam dengan sambutan hari raya.

masa kecik-kecik dulu,
sambutan merdeka antara benda yang dinantikan juga la.
zaman-zaman sekolah dulu, banyak benda sekolah buat untuk pupuk patriotisme.
pertandingan mewarna la, sajak, kawad kaki etc etc.
dan malam merdeka, akan tunggu ramai-ramai nak countdown macam nak new year.
tunggu bunga api.
pagi esoknya tengok perarakan dan sambutan merdeka yang extravaganza la rasa masa tu.
and that's it.

generasi muda saya rasa generally akan rasa macam tu.
(correct me if I'm wrong ya! just a hunch)
possible reason, keperitan perjuangan yang lepas tu kita tak rasa,
maka kurang dapat dihargai.
another reason adalah, jiwa-jiwa muda ramai yang dah sedar betapa kita ni belum sebenar-benar merdeka, dan tahu sebenarnya inilah perjuangan generasi muda sekarang.
they've done their part, merdekakan Malaysia dalam context yang berbeza,
dan kita syukur dan hargai perjuangan mereka,
dan kini sampai giliran jiwa-jiwa muda untuk perjuangkan to the next level.
memerdekakan negara dari sudut lahiriah, ditambah lagi dari sudut rohani dan budaya, spiritual dan akhlaq.
perit mereka dah mereka rasa, sekarang masa jiwa-jiwa muda untuk mengambil alih dan merasa those bittersweet moments towards a better future, a better Malaysia.

saya sangat sukakan novel Manikam Kalbu.
temanya tentang mengembalikan busana Melayu kembali ke akarnya.
fundamentalnya, biarlah menutup aurat secara sempurna.
kenapa baju kurung dinamakan sebegitu, adalah untuk "mengurung" dan menutup kehormatan diri.
jaga elok-elok. itu kata Faisal Tehrani lah. teringat quote dia masa jumpa dalam satu seminar,
kemahiran menulis ni banyak bergantung pada kemahiran menipu juga. sebab bila kita buat cerita (fiksyen lah), itu bukan cerita betul dan we want to make people to believe it as a truth, walaupun an imaginary truth. so kadang-kadang takut nak quote apa-apa dari novel dia. huhuh.

kes Mat Sabu, macam tak tahu apa nak cakap.
Ayah saya sendiri berperang dengan komunis dulu.
Missed bullets merely inches from his head, maka saya syukur hamdanlillah saya masih ada ayah sekarang.
Tak tahu propaganda politik ke apa, saya tak nak ambil pusing sangat, tapi saya rasa macam sangat obvious mainstream media digunakan dengan "sebaik mungkin" untuk diulang-ulang apa kata pembangkang tu.
Saya bukan backup dia ke apa, tapi media dieksploitasi dan bias macam agak jelas kat situ.

Saya respek media UK. Well, banyak la pros and cons. contents dia banyak juga yang tak sesuai untuk kanak-kanak even cartoon pun, tapi kalau game show dia pun banyak yang bagus dan bukan setakat kosong. ada gameshow yang soalan-soalan dia macam unbelievable gak aa soalan, tapi somehow contestants boleh jawab membuatkan lagi kagum.
grab the good, and shun away the bad stuffs.

dan ada satu show, Question Time, yang saya rasa sangat kagum aa kalau ada kat Malaysia.

Politicians and orang-orang kerajaan, menteri-menteri, akan dijemput dan the public can take that chance to ask questions directly terus pada dorang and it's live. dalam keadaan media Malaysia sekarang, I doubted that sort of show is possible. Kalau ada, they'll be in this gigantic bowl of hot soup!
a fair share for both pembangkang mahupun kerajaan. 
and again, media shape the masses vs the masses shape the media.
selalu zaman sekolah kena tulis karangan yang akan dimulakan dengan "di zaman siber dan teknologi ini...",
and here we are, di zaman siber dan teknologi, dan the masses are shaped like how?
quoting matlutfhi, "plastik adalah sampah sarap paling banyak di dunia".
K-pop? Cerita-cerita hantu makin banyak. yang lawak yang horror. lawak kosong.
Merdekakan media, merdekakan cara fikir dan worldview rakyat.

Hamdanlillah, sekarang banyak channel dan rancangan Islami.
TV AlHijrah, TV9 etc etc.
(Suka tengok Imam Suhaib Webb!)
dan setuju dengan quote yang pernah share dalam post sebelum ni,
kalau nak kenal satu-satu masyarakat tu, tengok la rancangan TV dorang.
makin banyak kesedaran, insyaAllah.

macam mana pun, these are all talks.
walking that talk is a different thing.
sekarang masa kita untuk berjuang pula.
taste the bittersweet efforts walau bukan dengan senjata,
walau hanya dengan pena sebatang mahupun ketak ketuk papan kekunci,
terbitkan aksara-aksara menghunjam jiwa-jiwa syabab,
tujukan pada karat-karat di hati kasi bersih semua,
tapi pertama-tama adalah menyental hati pelorek tinta pelirik bahasa.

kerja bukan sikit, tapi pekerja pun bukan sikit insyaAllah.
media. politik. ekonomi. undang-undang. integrasi rakyat.
penguatkuasaan dan perlaksaan.
jangan lari, terus ke depan.


ps: oh oh saya sangat suka movie Alangkah Lucunya Negeriku Ini. sangat menyentuh dan mengkritik tahap tak hengat. especially the part yang dorang nyanyi lagu kebangsaan Indonesia then this one kid datang dan bila dah habis nyanyi, he said Ameen. and that says a lot! do have a watch!

pps: a video by matlutfhi. was thinking about posting a response myself tapi segan la pula. hehe. how my video would have been, no sound. just cardboard messages. 1st cardboad: I'm Malay. 2nd: I'm Chinese. 3rd: I'm Indian. 4th: I'm 1Malaysia!
oh and my friend was in there, in that video! heh

with love,
~hS

touching hearts

Bismillah

a conversation with a good friend of mine brought me back to this topic.
we were talking about video making and made me watch a video me and my friends once made back in college and it brought back memories of how we were. how good the team was with making videos. the teamwork. I miss them all. and more importantly, it reminded me of how I was.

making videos is always about tackling emotions.
to make a good video, you have to know which spot on the audience's heart you want to hit, spot-on.
which emotion you want tackle, you want them to feel. the more specific the better.
and before you can make them feel that emotion, you have to "embrace" that kind of emotion first.
only then, the next step comes: the creativity in conveying that message, no matter how factual they are.
like Petronas' raya adverts, which often a success.
the emotion that you've "embraced" will guide you on how to convey that message.

this is what I've been lacking for the past few years.
what I've lost, and what I've been searching for.

kind of reminded me about the differences between social science and pure sciences.
often people compare between novels and textbooks.
often pengisi ISK.
but here it is. people remember better with emotions attached to it.
learning science or maths can be really boring but incorporate emotions in it,
make them feel happy learning it, and they'll love the subject.
let kids watch documentaries, make them gasp with awe before the creations of the Almighty,
and they'll love discovering new things, and not fixed on lovey dovey fantasy stuffs.

I think I've failed to "embrace" the emotion.
Seemed to have died of emotions these few years, and I don't know why.
Now I'm trying to pick myself up, and write more on reflections on my life accounts,
instead of factual stuffs that I don't really actually felt much about it.
it's like me trying to be someone else, trying to write like someone else.
and it felt so wrong in writing them.
It's not just about the feeling and emotions, but it's about is that really what I believe in?


so some of my future posts you may not find beneficial, but please bear with me.
I don't usually write drafts, often I'll publish it right away, or I'd come back and edit it later, but it'll always be published first.

a quote by a lecturer during our induction week, which I find really interesting:
"Ironically, we can only start to change ourselves when we begin to accept of how we are"
true enough, and ironic as it is, the more we deny of how we are, the harder for us to see what is it in us that needed changing.
and I believed and agree with what a good friend of mine once said, that blogging is a really good way to convey the message of Islam through one's life encounter, for that is the practicality of it, not just merely theories but theories live in action.
and of course, emotions to share, for others to feel as well.
they won't feel 100% like you did, but we're humans and we're able to relate with our own life encounter and we'll feel that similar feelings and we are able to appreciate such events, and our own life events, no matter how small a matter that is.

appreciate and embrace that emotion. share. and care.

with love,
~hS

of adat and relevance

Bismillah

Terasa nak quote lagi peribahasa post yang sebelum ni.
Baru pulang dari majlis pertunangan abang saya.
InsyaAllah, beriparkan orang Rembau saya nanti.

Hamdanlillah, went pretty smoothly.
Saya, as usual. diamanahkan tugas photographer tak bertauliah.
Gambar banyak yang lousy, but I think some are good.
At least not bad.

Anyways, biasanya kalau orang tahu perempuan tu dari Rembau,
orang akan mengelak dan tak nak dekat.
Semua dek adat perpatihnya. Banyak impression buruk la boleh kata.

dan sememangnya, terasa geram juga bila adat macam ni menyusahkan
sesuatu yang sepatutnya senang. Banyak yang tak nampak apa relevannya.
ini cubaan pertunangan kali kedua, sebab kali pertama kena reject.
reject sebab bawak cincin tak cukup syarat.
puas dah ibu saya cari cincin belah rotan, dan jumpa pun,
tapi ibu saya tengok ada yang ada bunga lagi cantik, tapi masih belah rotan.
sebab ada bunga tu saja pun kena reject dan tak boleh proceed dengan perbincangan.
kena balik semula dan tukar cincin, dan datang balik baru boleh bincang.

tak bukan tak terima adat melayu.
Islam pun sefaham saya meraikan adat dan uruf sesuatu kaum selagi tak melanggar syariat.
kita diciptakan berbeza untuk kita saling mengenal, dan adat dan uruf ni antara benda yang membezakan kita.
tapi saya rasa tak perlulah diberatkan sangat sampai menyusahkan urusan yang suci ni.
golongan muda yang berkehendakkan yang halal dah lah disusahkan dengan tuntutan material,
ditambah lagi dengan susahnya nak menepati syarat-syarat ni, makin pening.

dari awal lagi abang saya memang tak suka beradat,
keluarga bakal ipar pula insist. tak pe lah beralah dulu.
tapi saya dari awal lagi pun tak nak beradat.
dari awal dah dinasihatkan, jangan cari orang Negeri Sembilan.
dalam otak tengah fikir, nak cari orang negeri mana ni. heh.

macam mana pun,
teringatkan satu quote yang tak sure siapa sebenarnya yang cakap or if it's a hadith, tapi rasanya bukan.
bunyinya, kahwinilah ibu kepada anak-anakmu, jangan kahwini isteri kamu.
lebih kurang macam tu lah bunyinya.
pendeknya, seharusnya antara objektif yang diletak adalah supaya pasangan tu nanti mampu mendidik anak-anak, dan bukan hanya untuk kepuasan sendiri saja.
tak kisah lah dari mana dia datang pun, biar boleh jadi ibu yang baik, supaya generasi akan datang jadi terbaik dan lebih baik dari yang kita tengah hidup sekarang.

teringatkan nasihat beberapa orang termasuk abang sendiri,
janganlah cari yang sama doktor juga.
takut nanti anak terbiar. at the same time, ramai juga yang nasihat, better cari doktor juga so dia faham nature kerja kita. jadi?

terfikir,
ramai orang kata jangan cari orang negeri sembilan.
kesian perempuan-perempuan nogori, ramai orang lari.
terfikir juga,
kesian doktor-doktor perempuan, orang mengelak juga.
siapa lagi nak kawin doktor-doktor perempuan, kalau bukan doktor lelaki?
yang lain macam susah nak faham nanti. isteri asyik busy. balik letih.
so macam mana?

apa kata anda bakal-bakal doktor perempuan?
fair atau tak?

with love,
~hS

Eid Mubarak!!

Bismillah

1st of all, ingin sekali nak mengucapkan Eid Mubarak pada semua (entah siapa la yang menjenguk blog ni.)
Saya tak ada buat kad raya zaman moden tahun ni macam tahun lepas XD.
Maybe nanti buat la kot.
kalau rajin.

Raya kali ni, pretty much like tahun lepas. Cuma ada sikit kelainan.
Tahun ni pertama kali saya ikut bertakbir rumah ke rumah dari awal sampai akhir.
Well, rumah saya rumah pertama pun. Rumah betul-betul yang pertama, maka memang selalu jadi yang pertamalah. Dan ayah saya lead takbir di kawasan rumah saya ni.

Semua orang tahu ada anak ayah saya yang akan bertunang,
tapi kenapa asyik saya kena attack? Masa orang mula sampai untuk takbir,
pakcik ni salam dan tanya, dengar cerita dah nak kawin?
Saya nampak tua sangat ke sampai tahap gaya nak kawin dah? heh.
Guess it's from my new spectacles. Nampak old school sket kot. Saya masih muda.
Pakcik tu siap main janggut =___=".

Anyways, lain-lain sama.
Tapi macam kelakar, Eidul Fitri yang sepatutnya simbolik manusia kembali kepada fitrah setelah Ramadhan,
tak tahu apa jadi dah.
Hari pertama, semua orang macam layu dah.
Letih prepare untuk raya? Letih lepas "balas dendam" makan sarapan dengan lunch yang sebelum ni tak boleh sebab puasa? Pergi solat zuhur kat masjid, tengok kat luar motor-motor yang biasanya banyak la juga, macam tak ada. Tengok dalam, satu saf jangan harap. Berapa kerat je yang ada. Seronok beraya, or kepancitan tertidur juga? Sungguh pelik wal ajaib. Kembali ke asal sebelum Ramadhan.

Dan macam kelakar,
cerita-cerita hantu baik komedi mahupun horror makin banyak.
orang kata, nak tengok macam mana masyarakat satu negara tu,
tengok lah TV dorang rancangan apa, sebab media akan tayang apa demand masyarakat.
masyarakat sukakan tahyul dan mistik? uhu.
mungkin, patut ada dua hala. media boleh juga ikut demand masyarakat,
tapi juga cuba untuk mentarbiyah masyarakat, membentuk mentaliti yang lebih sejahtera.
masyarakat shape media vs media shape masyarakat.
mana satu yang lebih patut?

macam mana pun,
raya tetap raya,
Quran yang duk tatap sehari-hari masa Ramadhan jangan tiba-tiba "terlupa" letak kat mana pulak.
kalau dah biasa bangun sahur atau lebih awal lagi untuk masak sahur,
lepas ni harapnya boleh terus bangun awal sikit at least ke untuk qiam.
dah ditarbiyah oleh Ramadhan pun kan.
tuding jari kat diri sendiri ni. hari ni pun dah rasa sangat tak produktif.

Anyhow, syukur dapat beraya dengan famili.
Kali ni dengan seorang ahli baru famili, si budak kecik tak cukup bulan.
Hamdanlillah, he seemed OK. lagi dua orang masing-masing ada perangai nya,
which adds more colour to my Eid.

Hamdanlillah, thummal hamdanlillah.
Been thinking, may a new better guy emerge from within selepas Ramadhan yang dah berlalu.
Moga amalan kita sama-sama diterima masa Ramadhan yang dah berlalu ni, dan juga moga kan ketemu kembali Ramadhan tahun depan.

a thing to ponder,
saya terfikir satu perkataan yang saya rasa dah laamaaaaa sangat tak dengar.
Mardhatillah. Redha Allah.
mungkin, kita terlalu mencari manusia, mengharapkan dia "lekat", buat macam-macam untuk dia,
sampai terkadang terlupa niat asal, atau niat mana yang lebih primary.

kembali reflect,
Allah redha tak dengan solat kita, dengan puasa kita, dengan percakapan kita,
dengan sahur yang kita masak, dengan zikir yang kita lafazkan, dengan ilmu yang kita usaha sangat nak dapatkan, dengan helaian-helaian Quran yang kita selak, dengan akhlaq kita dengan keluarga kita, dengan ibu ayah kita, dengan orang sekeliling, dengan segala yang kita belanjakan, dengan apa yang kita tulis, apa yang kita post.
Sebenarnya Dia redha ke tak? Kita tak tahu sampai Hari Pembalasan tu,
tapi tepuk dada tanya iman, hati pasti terdetik, biar iman kita berfatwa,
Dia redha ke tak.

Fitrah saya fitrah sebagai hamba Allah.
Saya berusaha ke arah itu. Berusaha kembali kepada fitrah.


with love,
~hS

of tempurung kelapa, tarawikh and sensitivity

Bismillah

"Biar mati anak, jangan mati adat"

The all-too-familiar peribahasa Melayu.
Pernah dengar ada huraian seseorang, saya tak ingat siapa,
katanya, yang dimaksudkan adat dalam peribahasa tu sebenarnya adalah
undang-undang Islam, dah terasimilasi dalam budaya sampai menjadi adat.
Maka sebenarnya umat Melayu zaman dulu sangat berpegang teguh pada ajaran Islam.
Cuma kini disalah faham maksud peribahasa itu. Kata beliau.
Wallahua'lam.

Hamdanlillah, hari ini bertambah seorang lagi anak saudara.
Lahirnya pada 33 minggu 2 hari, dan agak merisaukan saya,
tapi abang saya cakap semua stabil. Peparu nya, everything. Alhamdulillah.
For now, saya tak sempat lagi melawat dan tengok, masih dalam incubator, kata ibu, dan hanya abang saya, si ayah, yang boleh jenguk. 

Pulang dari solat isya' (tak sempat bertarawikh atas request ibu untuk tolong jaga si abang kepada adik yang baru lahir tu), ibu suruh saya pergi beli garam kasar dan cari tempurung, tempurung betina, untuk tanam uri.
Maka bermulalah siri-siri soalan cepumas. Sejak balik, agak kerap saya bertanya soalan-soalan macam ni pada ibu ayah saya. Kenapa nak garam kasar? Kenapa nak tempurung betina, kenapa tak jantan? Atau macam mana kalau tak pakai pun?

Zaman akak abang saya dulu, katanya ditanam bersama dengan benang dan jarum. Zaman sepupu-sepupu saya yang dilahirkan kat sini juga, diletakkan pensel, mungkin dengan harapan akan jadi pandai. Persoalan garam, mungkin boleh difahami. Kata ibu, untuk elakkan dia berbau nanti. Tapi kelapa? Entah. Cari punya cari, kena pergi korek sampah belakang kedai untuk cari tempurung kelapa permintaan ibu. Persoalan banyak jawapannya tak tahu, dan saya pun malas nak push tanya banyak-banyak kali, akur sajalah.

Membuatkan saya tertanya-tanya, apa sunnah Rasulullah dalam hal ni ya?
Saya nampak semua ni adat semata-mata. Mungkin pada sesetengah amalan tu ada logik dan tujuannya, macam garam kasar. (Tapi tanya juga, kalau garam halus tak boleh ke?)
tapi ada yang sampai pasang pelita 3 atau 5 hari sebagai meneman uri tu, macam tak masuk akal.
(Kalau anda ada info tentang sunnah Rasulullah tentang hal ni, mohon share ya?)

Banyak soalan-soalan tak terjawab dan akhirnya termati macam tu je.
Soalnya tarawikh pun, banyak juga.
Uniknya masjid kawasan rumah saya, solat tarawikhnya dibuat 10 rakaat.
dan setiap rakaat dah ditentukan bacaannya, jadi imam cuma perlu follow bunting yang ada di depan imam, beserta bacaannya. Bila Ramadhan di rumah, agak terkilan sebab saya mengharapkan kelainan bacaan-bacaan Quran pada setiap rakaat. Di sini, diulang-ulang surah-surah pendek dan lazim.

Jadi soalan ditujukan pada ayah masa dalam perjalanan ke masjid, seperti juga tahun-tahun lepas sebenarnya.
Saya tanya, kenapa sepuluh, tak boleh ke baca surah-surah lain, kena ikut juga ke.
Jawapan saya dapat, entah, sebab mufti dah tentukan, kita orang biasa takkan nak persoalkan mufti kot, nanti jadi isu sensitif pulak.
Saya cakap, tapi mufti pun manusia jugak, boleh jadi buat silap, tanya bukan nak persoal, tapi tanya nak penjelasan. Kalau tak berapa nak betul, boleh ubah ambil yang lebih betul.
Dan perbualan termati kat situ.

Isu sensitif.
Orang melayu atau mungkin orang Asia, generally, saya kira memang terkenal dengan sifat sensitif dan lembut.
Hormat privacy orang, sampai keluar peribahasa jaga tepi kain orang yang datang dengan konotasi negatif. Banyak kali jumpa orang Arab terutamanya, yang akan puji orang melayu. Katanya tak pernah sekalipun dia jumpa dengan orang melayu yang marah-marah. Tak pernah nak marah. Lembut dan timid je. Compared to culture orang-orang Arab la kan. Pernah juga nampak depan mata dorang bertekak dengan sangat ganas sampai cuak kitorang, soalnya tentang konflik Mesir masa tu. Tapi esoknya, solat subuh dorang sebelah-sebelah. Sedikit tegang, tapi sekejap je jadi baik semula. Itu nature dorang, culture dorang.

Dan orang Melayu terlebih sensitif, banyak masanya saya kira. Tak boleh persoalkan mufti, ustaz-ustaz. Orang-orang besar. Orang-orang tua. Soal ketuanan Melayu. Soal agama. Soal bid'ah. Soal murtad. Soal tahlilnya. Soal budaya dan adat yang dah lekat dengan norma-norma hidup Melayu. Takut terganggu keharmonian negara.

Saya setuju, dalam tadabbur Al Baqarah, banyak sangat bertanya, akhirnya susahkan diri sendiri juga. Tapi dalam kes-kes macam ni, pertanyaan saya kira sangat perlu untuk dapat penjelasan, dan untuk pastikan apa yang tengah kabur sebenarnya. Banyak yang hanya diikut orang-orang terdahulu, tanpa consider unsur-unsur yang mempengaruhi.

Events macam ni, membuatkan saya sering wonder, sangat banyak harus diselami apa yang Rasulullah buat, how he lived, menurut Al Quran dan As Sunnah dengan interpretasi yang valid. Banyak yang saya sendiri tak tahu dan harus tahu. Dalam banyak hal, harus dipastikan sebenarnya apa isu yang sensitif, dan apa isu yang tak perlu nak terlebih sensitif. Saya terasa dengan ayat sendiri. Of course, terkadang pandangan kita tertutup dengan emosi dan keinginan diri sampai banyak benda nampak kabur, atau yang kabur seolah-olah dijelaskan dengan emosi. Harus, sangat harus kita cari penyuluh sebenarnya, penjelasan yang sevalid mungkin. Harus diusahakan.



ps: got my share of experience of parenthood. menjaga abang kepada si adik yang baru lahir tu. sebelum ni meragam dengan ayah saya, tak nak lepas. nampak je nak melekat. mintak dukung. letak dia nangis. angkat dia senyap. semua nak ikut cakap dia. tak ikut dia akan bertempik tahap petala kelapan membingitkan telinga. dan hari ni tiba-tiba dia melekat pada saya pula. tak pernah-pernah pun sebelum ni. tiba-tiba dia nak rapat dengan saya. saya tak layan dia marah. nak ajar, nak cakap, dia tak faham-faham juga. tetap akan bertempik sampai dia dapat apa yang dia nak. saya layan pun tak salah sebenarnya, tapi in the long run, dia akan terus macam tu la kot, kan? nak turun ke tingkat bawah pun, dia nak dukung, saya tak nak. insist nak pimpin tangan je untuk turun, dia tak nak, nak dukung juga, tapi saya terus turun sambil offer tangan untuk pimpin, dia turun sikit-sikit sambil meraung. sampai bawah saya dukung sekejap as a reward, tapi kasi sikit je dah la kot. letak balik dia nangis. dan saya tak nak layan. lepas tu ibu saya kata dia merajuk dan jeling je kat saya. macam ni rupanya nak kena layan budak. heh.

saya tak geram sangat, cuma kadang terasa nak dibiarkan je, as a lesson that he should know tak semua benda dia boleh dapat dengan menangis macam tu. dah bergelar abang pun.

oh dan lagi satu, saya takkan bagi anak-anak saya nanti hisap pacifier/puting. sangat tak bagus, even though it works to pacify the kid. sedikit sebanyak, dia akan dependent pada benda tu, instead of pada ibunya, dan macam sedikit effect pada perkembangan percakapan dia. si abang tu asyik nak hisap puting, kalau tak bagi dia nangis dengan tangan sentiasa letak dalam mulut. terasa pelik tak ada benda dalam mulut kot. banyak kali sengaja tarik keluar dan distract dia dari fikir tentang puting tu. he should learn.

oh nonetheless, he's a bright kid. pandai susun barang and tepuk reward diri sendiri bila berjaya. cepat belajar, except in speech, which is quite worrying. hope he doesn't have any problem with it, just a slight delay.

pps: oh hamdanlillah thummal hamdanlillah, saya lepas exam tu. failed sikit here and there, but overall I passed. hamdanlillah!

with love,
~hS

of roaches and blankets

Bismillah,

WARNING: this post is not meant to be beneficial. just sort of a record of my life accounts. you don't have to read this.


I had a nightmare today. Two, actually.

First: I was swarmed, engulfed with crickets. They were all over me. Quite a long time ago, I had a similar dream. I was playing playfully at a field when suddenly this cloud of cockroaches suddenly attacked me. I don't think I'm phobic to roaches nor crickets, I felt normal when I see them. But being surrounded by thousands of them is another thing. Nightmare.

Second: Right after the crickets cleared out (I was on my bed), suddenly those torments came again. I wrapped myself in my blanket, and it all happened again. A friend of mine once described those events as verbal abuse, but I'm not too sure about that. Perhaps there are some truths in that statement, but I really can't say.

Those events left me hating theories and terms, rules. There're just too many gray areas, too many blurry lines. It's not clear cut, not definite. Those terms seems to be misused, abused, taken advantage of. And left me wondering what's correct, what's right and what's wrong. I hated those feelings.

"Consulting the rules of composition before taking a photograph, is like consulting the laws of gravity before going for a walk."

- Edward Weston

To me, some theories (can't say all now, could I?), are more of explanatory than instructive. Like in photography (e.g. rule of thirds), why do people like to look at those cool and breathtaking photographs, those rules were constructed by trying to decipher these reasons, and not the other way round, it's not the rules that make that photograph a masterpiece. The same with gravity. The rule is made based on observing nature, the fall of the apple; it explains that phenomenon.

Theories tend to be idealistic, and I'm not saying that it's wrong, but sometimes we fail to consider what's real, and go straight into the ideals. And I'm talking about myself. I kept on asking why and why, and why I can't do my part. Astaghfirullah. May Allah forgive me, for what I didn't do, and for my previous mistakes.
Again, what had happened was always full of blurry lines, I just can't see clearly.

And the funny thing is, both the first and second nightmare, them both gave a similar feeling to me. The way they made me cringe, it's just the same.

In a few years time, I may forget why I wrote all these stuffs. Like what happened with my previous blog. I was reading them all back, and there were a few posts that left me thinking, why did I wrote this again? Haha. It's not that I didn't learn from it. InsyaAllah, those trials left me with lessons learnt, it's just I can't remember why I wrote them.
Perhaps, I just don't really want to keep those bad memories. Why keep if it haunts you? And I just hope that the wounds will heal, and left alone to be healed by time. Stop prodding on it. It may leave a scar, yet that scar will fade eventually. So leave it alone. Let it heal.

And hey, at the end of those two nightmares, is a glimpse of my Cbox with someone saying he knew who I am.
Is that part of the nightmare? Haha. Don't think so. I don't mind about that too much.


with love,
~hS

sejid wal tibi

Bismillah

meninjau twitter DrMAZA.com, ada satu post yang membawa saya ke laman FB beliau,
pada satu gambar dengan caption yang menarik yang pada saya sangat dekat dengan situasi saya sekarang.
Let me just salin tampal here.

MASJID DAN GEREJA: MANA LEBIH MESRA KANAK-KANAK?

Lucu bila ada yang berkeras pendapat yang menyatakan kewujudan kanak-kanak boleh menyebabkan terbatalnya keseluruhan saf. Fatwa seperti ini sebenarnya terpinggir dari penghujahan dalil dan kewarasan.

Ketika Ibn Abbas masih kanak-kanak, Rasulullah s.a.w. bersolat dan memegang telinga atau kepala Ibn Abbas agar bersolat di tepi baginda. Kata Ibn ‘Abbas:
فَقَامَ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُصَلِّي مِنْ اللَّيْلِ فَقُمْتُ أُصَلِّي مَعَهُ فَقُمْتُ عَنْ يَسَارِهِ فَأَخَذَ بِرَأْسِي فَأَقَامَنِي عَنْ يَمِينِهِ
"..Rasulullah bangun bersolat malam aku turut serta bersamanya. Aku berdiri di sebelah kiri baginda. Baginda memegang kepalaku lalu menjadikan aku berada di sebelah kanan baginda (Riwayat al-Bukhari). Dalam hadis Anas:
فَقَامَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَصَفَفْتُ وَالْيَتِيمَ وَرَاءَهُ وَالْعَجُوزُ مِنْ وَرَائِنَا
“…Rasulullah berdiri untuk solat. Aku bersaf dengan seorang budak yatim di belakang baginda. Sementara wanita tua berada di belakang kami”. (Riwayat al-Bukhari).
Adapun hadis riwayat Ahmad dan Abu Daud yang menyatakan Rasulullah menjadikan saf lelaki dewasa di hadapan kanak-kanak, hadis itu daif dari segi sanadnya. Kata al-Syeikh Nasir al-Din al-Albani: “Adapun menjadikan saf kanak-kanak di belakang lelaki, aku tidak dapati melainkan hadis yang daif ini sahaja. Ia tidak dapat dijadikan hujah. Tidak mengapa kanak-kanak berdiri dalam saf sebelah lelaki dewasa jika saf masih luas. Solat anak yatim bersama Anas di belakang Rasulullah s.a.w. menjadi hujah dalam masalah ini. (Al-Albani, Tamam al-Minah, 284, Riyadh: Dar al-Rayah).

Hasil lain dari kecelaruan ini, ada orang dewasa yang sanggup menarik kanak-kanak yang sedang bersolat keluar dari saf kerana dia nak masuk saf. Kemudian disuruh budak itu ke saf belakang. Akhlak buruk ini menjadikan kanak-kanak berjiwa lemah ketika berada di masjid. Sementara orang dewasa yang lewat datang dan menarik kanak-kanak keluar itu pula terbiasa dengan sikap buruk sebagai seorang yang datang lewat lalu merampas tempat orang yang lebih awal.
Maka jangan hairan jika ada yang menyatakan bahawa agama lain lebih mesra kepada generasi muda daripada Islam. Padahal bukan salah Islam, salah mereka yang sempit fikiran.
Jika ada yang kata, kanak-kanak tidak berkhatan ada najis bawah kulitnya. Kalau najis bawah kulit hendak dikira, kiralah sekali najis bawah kulit kita sendiri dan juga yang dalam perut kita!!

maaf sedikit panjang tapi macam sangat benar.
keadaan masjid-masjid di Malaysia, juga para pengunjung seolah-olah sangat tak welcoming untuk kanak-kanak. Macam ada satu mentaliti bahawa masjid-masjid adalah tempat orang-orang tua menghabis usia yang berbaki dengan amal-amal mana yang sempat.
Alhamdulillah, saya nampak macam orang-orang muda makin ramai yang makin lekat ke masjid.
Tapi, kanak-kanak yang ada seolah-olah jadi pengacau kepada konsentrasi untuk beribadah bagi mereka yang dah berumur. Isu macam yang dihighlight dalam post di atas, budak-budak diletakkan di belakang, perlu diasingkan, tak boleh sekali.
Pernah juga nampak, bila ada budak dalam satu saf yang di tengah, saf tu "disambung" dari tepi, instead of dari tengah, dek kerana tak nak solat di sebelah budak tu tadi. Keadaan yang sangat tak welcoming, sangat tak mesra kanak-kanak. Pernah juga offer untuk bawa sorang anak saudara ke masjid, tapi nampaknya respond tak bagus, katanya nanti ganggu jemaah nak solat. Mungkin ada benarnya juga.

Tapi I just can't help but to compare.
When I was abroad, saya rasa sangat seronok dengan keadaan masjid kat sana.
Dan untuk kanak-kanak, keadaan tadi macam tak ada. Semua menerima dengan OK.
Kadang-kadang ada la juga rasa annoyed (sikit je) bila ada bayi yang meraung, tapi hamdanlillah berjaya dikawal si ayah. Lepas solat, tak ada pula jemaah-jemaah yang datang tu pergi sound si ayah, kenapa bawak budak ni datang masjid? Buat kacau je. In fact, it was the opposite.
Dorang siap main-main dengan budak-budak tu. Seolah-olah meraikan kehadiran dorang.
And the twins (daughters of Bro Ibrahim) sangat comel! Bro Ibrahim ni selalu datang, dan biasa bawak his two twins tu. A few times juga dorang asyik nangis, kadang-kadang berjalan depan orang tengah solat, but orang-orangnya tak pernah nak marah. Dan sekali masa sudah solat, saya turun ke bawah, (masjid dua tingkat. Tingkat bawah tak guna sebab sejuk dan bakal diubah suai), saya nampak dua orang twins tu tengah main lumba-lumba basikal budak yang tolak-tolak tu, dengan Bro Ibrahim bersama, and a few frequent comers of the masjid. Teringatkan this bro (I think he's Turkish) and his blonde son. Dia selalu bawak anak dia sekali, the little kid (I think he should be 2 or 3 years old) yang sangat cute and tak bising sangat. Him and his ball. Bila ayah dia dah sudah solat, dia akan play around with the ball, dalam masjid tu, dan orang-orang kat situ akan tersenyum and layan dia. Ada sekali tak ramai sangat orang dah kat masjid, and he was looking around, and I smiled, and dengan excited nye dia baling bola kat ku. Bermain-mainlah kami dengan gembira.

Dekat masjid di University pula, lebih kurang je. Cuma ada lah sekali dua budak-budak kena sound, sebab dorang main masa dan lepas solat, so sedikit mengganggu, tapi tidaklah dihalau, dan semua orang seolah-olah melayan dorang dengan baik kat masjid. Masa solat, layaklah ditegur, tapi untuk dorang bermain-main (secara terkawal lah) di masjid, pada saya tak ada masalah. Teringatkan Khadeejah dan Ilyas (anak Bro 'Ali yang biasa jadi Imam di situ) yang kadang-kadang datang mengusik ku masa tengah berehat-rehat.  

Pokoknya, saya rasa sangat penting untuk mendidik anak-anak membiasakan diri dengan masjid, dan mengubah mentaliti masyarakat supaya lebih menerima kanak-kanak di masjid. Seronok bila tadi saya nampak satu famili, si ayah berjalan dengan anak lelakinya, si ibu dengan anak perempuannya menuju masjid berempat. Keadaan yang saya rasa saya nampak bila Ramadhan. Agak susah untuk nampak di lain masa kecuali ada kelas agama di masjid taman saya masa tu. Harus diwujudkan satu environment, satu bi'ah yang membuatkan kanak-kanak rasa selesa di masjid, dan tak merasa diri tak dikehendaki kat masjid. Tak adalah nanti dah besar perasaan tu terbuku di hati dan menjauhi masjid. Mungkin kadang-kadang annoying, lalu tegurlah seadanya, selayaknya. Tak perlu seolah-olah menghalau.

Tarbiyah TV

Menyentuh soal mendidik anak ni, macam terpanggil untuk komen isu ni juga.
Alhamdulillah, saya rasa ada banyak improvement dalam media kita dalam channel dan rancangan yang lebih islamik dan bermanfaat. (sangat suka TV AlHijrah!).
Kartun-kartun yang lebih bagus untuk development budak-budak kecik pun ada yang bagus-bagus.
Cuma apa yang saya nampak, TV sekarang menjadi satu medium mendidik utama untuk anak-anak.
Dibandingkan dengan zaman saya kanak-kanak, kartun tu ikut time. Ada masa ada rancangan lain pulak.
Sekarang dengan Astro, we have channels dedicated khas untuk kartun semuanya.
Sampai endless of "fun" untuk budak-budak ni, sampai kadang-kadang tertidur depan TV tengok tak berhenti. Kadang-kadang TV jadi lullaby untuk dorang tidur. Tak boleh tak tengok TV.
Dan masa dihabis dengan TV sangat banyak bila dibandingkan dengan masa yang diluangkan bersama ibu ayah sendiri. Tak dinafikan banyak juga rancangan kartun yang berbentuk mendidik, tapi sekarang seolah-olah pendidikan utama diambil alih oleh TV, dengan penglibatan ibu ayah yang sangat minimal.

Harusnya, rancangan TV itu menjadi satu medium malah satu catalyst untuk ibu ayah connect dengan anak-anak. Respond and reflect bersama anak-anak dengan rancangan tu. Masa diluang dengan anak-anak harusnya lebih banyak dari masa anak-anak bersama TV. Tapi ramai ibu ayah sekarang yang bekerja, so quality times itu lebih penting, instead of quantity. Yang penting, harus dipantau aktiviti TV anak-anak. Tambah lagi terbukti juga banyak rancangan kanak-kanak terutama from the oh-so-great West yang menjurus kepada pornographic content, no matter how mild it was. Kadang-kadang tak perasan pun, benda tu slowly creep into the minds of our next generation. Sampai masanya, kita pun pelik macam mana dorang boleh terdedah dengan benda-benda macam tu, sedangkan secara halus dan perlahan diterapkan dan dibiasakan dari kecil. Yang penting, jangan lepas tangan lepas tanggungjawab pada TV, dan tugas ibu ayah jangan terlalu menyekat, but instead, guide. Kalau disekat, kadang-kadang membuatkan kurang pendedahan dan pemahaman dia dengan realiti, maka kalau sampai masa bertemu realiti, dia kaget dan mula bercelaru tak tahu apa nak buat. Maka, didik dan bimbing, tunjuk jalan betul bila bertemu dengan macam-macam keadaan yang seluruh dunia tengah hadapi sekarang ni.

Saya rasa saya tak layak pun nak komen banyak-banyak.
Kahwin pun jauh lagi, apatah lagi nak ada anak sendiri.
Tapi apa yang saya tulis ni, berdasarkan pemerhatian sendiri pada masyarakat keliling dan mana-mana yang dekat untuk diperhatikan, dan pada apa yang saya tak nak berlaku pada famili sendiri nanti insyaAllah. May I live up to my words now, when I start my own family nanti. Ameen.


with love,
~hS

failing

Bismillah

I hated the fact that I can't sleep at night thinking about the exam I'm about to take a few more hours from now, and not feeling the same with the exam that I'm currently taking, the exam for my entire life.
Perhaps this is just how humans are.
We are more fearful of the consequences that we can see.
The failure in the worldly exam: I can't progress on with my academics, I might need to repeat the year.
Failure in the ultimate exam: Hell.
The difference, lies in what we can actually see, what we actually believe in, and how strong that belief is.

But still, reflecting on (worldly) exams,
I don't usually get stressed out because of it, not until the last minute.
Probably because I have this feeling (that I just can't take out of my heart easily) I will eventually pass.
Probably.
And for this exam, well, I'm the only one taking it, due to certain circumstances I wouldn't bother to explain. It's not the kind of exam that people would usually fail, so people kept on telling me I'd be alright. I'd probably will. Again, probably.
And perhaps, that's just exactly how I feel about this ultimate exam, that I'll make it somehow.
Probably because we Muslims have been promised Jannah, but that is still a probability, not a certainty, that we'll stay Muslims till the last breath.

Think about 'Umar Al Khattab. When he came to know Rasulullah gave a list of the Munafiqun to Huzaifah, he asked Huzaifah if HE was in the list, even though he is among the 10 promised with Jannah. He never felt secure. Never.

Think about surah At Takweer, Al Infitaar. Allah stresses that only then, when that day of catastrophe came, only then you'll see what you have done, what you've missed doing, the chances you've been given to make a difference. Only then, you'll truly see. Qaddamat wa akh-kharat. The chance to prepare for the Day of Judgement. The failure to envision such catastrophe, to have a firm believe in that Day, to actually see it with your heart: these are the reasons why we do the things we do today.

And now, it kind of reflecting how I feel now.
Due to some circumstances, I can't prepare the best I would usually can,
but still, the last few weeks, I was feeling kind of secure, not until I have a taste of it when I practised with some friends. I realised how unprepared I am. I couldn't really sleep last night.
I was thinking of how I would do today, in the exam.
Afraid of failing.

I hated the fact that I fear that failure of the exam,
yet I still feel complacent with my preparation for the ultimate consequences.
I hated the fact I'm really anxious that I'm unprepared for the wordly exam,
yet I worry less about the many sins I've commited, and the miniscule 'amal I've done.
I hate the fact I can visualise the failure of the exam,
yet I failed to visualise Jahannam, nor do Jannah.

I'm failing,
I'm falling away.

It's Ramadhan, friends.
Our best chance to boost our chances in the next world.
Lets take this chance, lets double up our preparation,
let us train ourselves for us to be better Muslims when Ramadhan leaves us,
for we may not get the same chance next year,
for this could be our last Ramadhan. 


with love,
~hS

syoknya!

sangat terusik dan sangat sangat kagum dengan Wardina,
dengan perubahan mendadak, dan determination dan kejituan azam yang sangat kukuh.
sangat kagum dengan cara mendidik anak-anaknya.
benda paling penting dididik, sehabis baik nak ikut sunnah, ajar solat dulu.
Have a read sharing beliau macam mana ajar anak solat kat sini.
Sangat terusik, and now, cerita pasal puasa.
Membuatkan otak berputar ligat merancang dan membayangkan,
how would I do as a parent? will I be as good as her?
can I be better? heh. bayangan masa depan yang terkadang membuatkan diri tak berpijak di bumi nyata.
Astaghfirullah.
Banyak khayal bulan puasa ni.

Tetapi, melihatkan abang kakak yang sedang membina famili,
dengan anak yang masih kecil, dengan dalam masa sebulan lagi insyaAllah akan bertambah seorang lagi anak saudara, I can't help but to think, how should I really do it,
and how can I help them with their kids, with my nephews?
Juga membayangkan how did I grew up.

Now, I came to realize that we learn quite a lot from our parents, the things that defines us now.
teringatkan Kung Fu Panda 2, which the message says that it doesn't matter how your past was, it's who choose to be now that makes you you.
well, maybe there's some truth in it, but I think it is inevitable that our past plays a big role in shaping who we are now, and by this I mean personality-wise, bukan berkaitan dengan macam mana kita hidup dengan Islam.
If a family doesn't really adhere to Islamic teachings, the children will need to make a change to it for his/her sake, juga for their parents' sake.
oh by the way, I'm not saying that my parents taught me bad or I'd love somebody else as my parents.
No no no. Jauh sekali dari situ. Saya percaya, everything Allah susun dengan sangat cantik,
and the me now is how they had taught me. It's up to me to make the necessary changes in my life, to my future, now that I know, now that I can understand.
Dan saya tak suka kalau ada statement macam "patutlah budak ni perangai macam ni.." bila tahu parents dia macam mana. seolah-olah putting the blame on the parents semata-mata. saya tak suka sebab saya tahu parents sangat susah nak besarkan anak masing-masing. terkadang, keadaan dan suasana yang membentuk macam mana yang kita nampak jadi sekarang ni.
That is what we definitely need to change now.

Melalut cerita tentang masa silam sendiri pula.
But yes, it circulate around the topic of parenting, and I think it is really important that we are aware of everything we do as parents, (my case, belum lagi lah), as sometimes the simple little things that we do gave the biggest impact on our children's way of thinking and living.

anyhow, I think Wardina makes a good model for moms-to-be yang kita boleh nampak dan cuba contohi.
of course, semua manusia ada flaws dia, dan in each and everyone yang kita kagumi pun, consider their strengths and weaknesses. not saying Wardina ni buruk or teruk perangainya, macam komen-komen kat video di YouTube yang menyakitkan hati (when will some Malaysians grow up =___=" ?), saya just nak highlight supaya tak ada isu fanatism atau terlalu memuja seseorang.

Wallahua'lam.

Salam Ramadhan,
with love,
~hS

Laukana Bainana

Bismillah

sebelum ni sangat nak tengok show Laukana Bainana (If He is Among Us).
Satu show Arab yang sangat cool I think, yang ketengahkan satu mesej,
bagaimana kalau Rasulullah bersama kita sekarang?
they highlighted hadiths and sunnah Rasulullah yang sepatutnya kita buat,
putting hidden cams, set a scene and have a look if people would do it or not,
and then the host will ask that question,
"kalau Rasulullah dalam situasi tu, apa baginda akan buat?"
and those people will definitely know the answer.

dan alhamdulillah, hajat kesampaian bila balik ke tanah air,
bila ada channel TV AlHijrah yang sangat cool.
So far cuma tengok dua show je =__=", which is Suhaib Webb punya talk lepas tarawikh,
and now Laukana Bainana. cuma agak terkilan Laukana Bainana dipasang nak dekat subuh,
so tak dapat tengok full bila nak ke masjid.

anyhow, pagi ni punya topic is simple, yet people find it hard to do.
the scene:
dorang setup the scene dengan memasang hidden cams dalam lif,
and tampal peraturan baru, siapa nak naik lif, sila bagi salam,
dan kalau tak nak kena naik tangga. ada penjaga lif yang tak akan benarkan dorang proceed ke floor yang dorang nak kalau tak nak bagi salam.
Ada yang memang masuk je terus bagi salam, alhamdulillah.
dan ada yang kena remind, and bagi salam. the host will interview the guys dalam tu, dan kasi hadiah bagi yang kasi salam. I thought, senang je la kan, bagi salam je pun.
Then this guy came in, and tak bagi salam, so penjaga tu remind, kena bagi salam, kalau tak kena naik lif.
Dia tak nak juga, and marah-marah penjaga lif tu. So penjaga lif tu terus je, but hit the button for the floor yang host tu tengah tunggu. When asked, segan lak dia.
Such a simple act, just a few words, yet sometimes people refuse to utter.

reflecting on myself,
pernah satu ketika, back when I was there, abroad,
sedang menunggu di luar rumah seorang teman,
to fetch./give something, I can't really remember.
While waiting outside, lalu seorang mamat Arab ni,
and I simply bagi salam kat dia.
Dia jawab salam tapi muka terkejut, terkedu kejap, dan macam rasa bersalah,
dia minta maaf sebab tak tahu I'm a Muslim.
Well, at least now he knows.
Back there, I think budaya bagi salam tu is something I would really try to adhere to.

Now that I'm back, terfikir,
if I were at such a scene, i.e. nak masuk lif tu,
will I be giving salam to the people in it?
Personally, terasa segan pulak.
Then terfikir, kenapa segan?
Takut nampak macam alim sangat? Now, is that a bad thing?

Sedikit ironic di situ,
berada di negara yang Muslims are a minority, tak segan pun nak beramal.
nak baca Quran tengah public, selamba je.
Baca doa sebelum makan. Bagi salam bila jumpa fellow Muslims.
In fact terasa bangga je kadang-kadang, dapat tunjukkan,
"Hey! I'm a Muslim!"
tapi di negara sendiri yang mana keliling adalah orang Islam majoritinya,
segan nak beramal.
Dalam KTM, a few times juga, I would think it through,
patut tak baca Quran dalam tu? teragak-agak. Apa orang akan fikir?
Saja nak tunjuk baik? Riak? Sombong? 
Segan dengan reason yang tak valid.
Dan bila cuba, it's nothing really. Baca je la. Niat, kalau terasa macam nak tunjuk riak,
sila betulkan dan baca je lah. Sebab amal itu pada Allah, niat itu pada Dia,
apa orang fikir, biarlah.
Easier said than done, yeah. But I've done it, moga dengan niat yang ikhlas.
Dan masih banyak harus diperbaiki pada diri, itu pasti.

Am thinking, macam kalau Malaysia buat juga show macam Laukana Bainana tu,
instead of show letak hidden cams untuk malukan orang, untuk buat lawak.
bagi pengajaran sikit.
Then terfikir, pemilihan host pun, surely satu hal.
Mesti akan fikir banyak kali, since you are conveying a message, and you need to act on it la kan?
Penonton pasti akan menilai, si host ni, dia cakap banyak dalam tu,
so adakah dia sendiri buat benda-benda tu off camera, in his daily life?
Unless si host itu sekadar mengacarai rancangan itu, sebagai profession sahaja.
Tapi, Allah pun akan menilai, dan anyhow, we still need to convey the message,
and of course, act on it. Tak perlu on camera. But would make a good show if Malaysia ada buat juga.
Terfikir, if I were to be offered to be the host, will I take it?
Will you?

yang tak tau show ni,
here's a clip with English subtitles. do watch it on TV Alhijrah.
terbaik sangat!

***updated***
episod hari ni sedikit sebanyak menyentuh tentang apa yang saya cakap kat atas.
berkisar soal pandangan manusia vs pandangan Tuhan.
mungkin orang akan takut (saya la tu) untuk jadi host, nanti apa orang kata kalau tak buat,
tapi kenapa dorang buat tu? of course manusia tak sempurna, selalu je buat silap, tak buat macam dia cakap,
tapi kenapa show tu dibuat adalah satu penghargaan dari seorang umat untuk Rasulullah SAW,
to let people live the way he lived. manusia boleh cakap macam-macam, tapi Allah lebih tahu struggle kita untuk buat apa yang kita cakap nak buat. Let Him be the judge, for He is the Best of Judges.
But still, haruslah ada mentaliti, kita cakap tu, kita berazam nak buat, dan bukan sekadar as a profession, sebagai meraih populariti and other worldly gains. kalau tak berjaya nak buat, istighfar pada Dia, for He knows your struggles. Our own faults tak seharusnya menghentikan kita dari menyampaikan, dan if we manage to twist it to a different point of view, ia patut jadi satu motivasi untuk diri untuk improve dan remind orang jangan buat kesilapan macam kita.
Wallahu'alam.

p/s: terkilan masih, kenapa dia tayang time nak pergi solat subuh?! *cries*


with love,
~hS

bubbles

Bismillah

I never liked holidays. Always hated the feeling when it started.
Initially I thought it was of the feeling of loneliness that comes with it,
when each and everyone of my friends would go separate ways,
to their families, to their hometown, to their own business.

They are actually true to some extent,
but it came to me, the bigger reason why I hated it is because I have so many free time,
and I don't manage it well.
I've always been a lousy manager.

  

image credits to pboichg   @deviantart

Our brain is like a ball of enegy that needs to be focused at something,
that needs to be sourced to something, a work, a task, a goal or mission.
If it's not, then the energy will then blast in all direction, everywhere, like a loose mad bull.
It will start to fantasize, to think about stuffs, unrealistic stuffs, things your body can work out to materialize,
to make real.
as the saying goes, if you don't think about the big important stuffs, your mind will be made busy with pesky, insigificant stuffs.
We live in this very second. Each second past is always a history, even just a second, of which you can do nothing about, and each second that comes next is always the future, of which you don't know what will happen. but you know what should be done in the second you are living now.

  

Each time, I think I've been put into a bubble.
Outside of the bubble, are the real things, and inside the bubble are our fantasies, imaginary stuffs.
and sometimes it takes a lot to pop that bubble,
to come to realize that there are a lot of things to do.
You see, to me, life is like a series of bubbles.
Depending on the person, there is a bubble in a bubble in a bubble and it goes on and on.
Once we realize the reality, we pop that bubble, and we came to something more real, and it goes on and on,
and eventually, we realize, we are in the bubble of dunya.
and outside is the akhirah.
and people who can see through that bubble knows that the reality of this life, and the reality of what lies outside the bubble. He will come to realize that the bubble will pop anytime, and he will enter that reality.
But bubbles always give some reflections, and sometimes we fail to see what lies outside, as we are preoccupied with the reflection that we are seeing in the bubble, of ourselves, of our life.


I guess this is one of the importance of the weekly usrah, circle or halaqah or liqa' or whatever you want to call it. A frequent reminder of to which where we should direct our mind, our ball of energy to, where it should really be sourced to. To pop away from our worldly fantasies, and to realize of the big task, this important mission that defines who we are in His sight. and currently, At the moment, I'm off the radar, which is something I shouldn't really be doing. Feels like hiding away for the time being, to get myself right.

It takes a lot for me to pop these bubbles.
To actually realize the things that needed done, and to break away from my fantasies.
Live each second, think not too much of the future nor the passing seconds.
Plan we must, but in the present, and work for it,
still, in the present. Leave a mark in the seconds that passed.
Grab a pin, and pop those bubbles.
Till the last bubble was left,
and He'll pop that bubble for you,
for you to enter the reality.

with love,
~hS