failing

Bismillah

I hated the fact that I can't sleep at night thinking about the exam I'm about to take a few more hours from now, and not feeling the same with the exam that I'm currently taking, the exam for my entire life.
Perhaps this is just how humans are.
We are more fearful of the consequences that we can see.
The failure in the worldly exam: I can't progress on with my academics, I might need to repeat the year.
Failure in the ultimate exam: Hell.
The difference, lies in what we can actually see, what we actually believe in, and how strong that belief is.

But still, reflecting on (worldly) exams,
I don't usually get stressed out because of it, not until the last minute.
Probably because I have this feeling (that I just can't take out of my heart easily) I will eventually pass.
Probably.
And for this exam, well, I'm the only one taking it, due to certain circumstances I wouldn't bother to explain. It's not the kind of exam that people would usually fail, so people kept on telling me I'd be alright. I'd probably will. Again, probably.
And perhaps, that's just exactly how I feel about this ultimate exam, that I'll make it somehow.
Probably because we Muslims have been promised Jannah, but that is still a probability, not a certainty, that we'll stay Muslims till the last breath.

Think about 'Umar Al Khattab. When he came to know Rasulullah gave a list of the Munafiqun to Huzaifah, he asked Huzaifah if HE was in the list, even though he is among the 10 promised with Jannah. He never felt secure. Never.

Think about surah At Takweer, Al Infitaar. Allah stresses that only then, when that day of catastrophe came, only then you'll see what you have done, what you've missed doing, the chances you've been given to make a difference. Only then, you'll truly see. Qaddamat wa akh-kharat. The chance to prepare for the Day of Judgement. The failure to envision such catastrophe, to have a firm believe in that Day, to actually see it with your heart: these are the reasons why we do the things we do today.

And now, it kind of reflecting how I feel now.
Due to some circumstances, I can't prepare the best I would usually can,
but still, the last few weeks, I was feeling kind of secure, not until I have a taste of it when I practised with some friends. I realised how unprepared I am. I couldn't really sleep last night.
I was thinking of how I would do today, in the exam.
Afraid of failing.

I hated the fact that I fear that failure of the exam,
yet I still feel complacent with my preparation for the ultimate consequences.
I hated the fact I'm really anxious that I'm unprepared for the wordly exam,
yet I worry less about the many sins I've commited, and the miniscule 'amal I've done.
I hate the fact I can visualise the failure of the exam,
yet I failed to visualise Jahannam, nor do Jannah.

I'm failing,
I'm falling away.

It's Ramadhan, friends.
Our best chance to boost our chances in the next world.
Lets take this chance, lets double up our preparation,
let us train ourselves for us to be better Muslims when Ramadhan leaves us,
for we may not get the same chance next year,
for this could be our last Ramadhan. 


with love,
~hS