of roaches and blankets

Bismillah,

WARNING: this post is not meant to be beneficial. just sort of a record of my life accounts. you don't have to read this.


I had a nightmare today. Two, actually.

First: I was swarmed, engulfed with crickets. They were all over me. Quite a long time ago, I had a similar dream. I was playing playfully at a field when suddenly this cloud of cockroaches suddenly attacked me. I don't think I'm phobic to roaches nor crickets, I felt normal when I see them. But being surrounded by thousands of them is another thing. Nightmare.

Second: Right after the crickets cleared out (I was on my bed), suddenly those torments came again. I wrapped myself in my blanket, and it all happened again. A friend of mine once described those events as verbal abuse, but I'm not too sure about that. Perhaps there are some truths in that statement, but I really can't say.

Those events left me hating theories and terms, rules. There're just too many gray areas, too many blurry lines. It's not clear cut, not definite. Those terms seems to be misused, abused, taken advantage of. And left me wondering what's correct, what's right and what's wrong. I hated those feelings.

"Consulting the rules of composition before taking a photograph, is like consulting the laws of gravity before going for a walk."

- Edward Weston

To me, some theories (can't say all now, could I?), are more of explanatory than instructive. Like in photography (e.g. rule of thirds), why do people like to look at those cool and breathtaking photographs, those rules were constructed by trying to decipher these reasons, and not the other way round, it's not the rules that make that photograph a masterpiece. The same with gravity. The rule is made based on observing nature, the fall of the apple; it explains that phenomenon.

Theories tend to be idealistic, and I'm not saying that it's wrong, but sometimes we fail to consider what's real, and go straight into the ideals. And I'm talking about myself. I kept on asking why and why, and why I can't do my part. Astaghfirullah. May Allah forgive me, for what I didn't do, and for my previous mistakes.
Again, what had happened was always full of blurry lines, I just can't see clearly.

And the funny thing is, both the first and second nightmare, them both gave a similar feeling to me. The way they made me cringe, it's just the same.

In a few years time, I may forget why I wrote all these stuffs. Like what happened with my previous blog. I was reading them all back, and there were a few posts that left me thinking, why did I wrote this again? Haha. It's not that I didn't learn from it. InsyaAllah, those trials left me with lessons learnt, it's just I can't remember why I wrote them.
Perhaps, I just don't really want to keep those bad memories. Why keep if it haunts you? And I just hope that the wounds will heal, and left alone to be healed by time. Stop prodding on it. It may leave a scar, yet that scar will fade eventually. So leave it alone. Let it heal.

And hey, at the end of those two nightmares, is a glimpse of my Cbox with someone saying he knew who I am.
Is that part of the nightmare? Haha. Don't think so. I don't mind about that too much.


with love,
~hS