Introspecting me

Ear candy : Good time-Owl City

I’m just going to record this for the sake of memory. I’ve developed a routine now that I’m starting to get used to living in this house. I’ve timed how long it took me to get to class from this house and it took me 15 minutes plus minus a minute. I usually walk when I don’t ask for a lift from Kak W.

When it was time for me to walk on my own, I thought the journey home was gonna suck because it seemed so far but funny thing is, I seem to enjoy the walk. Perhaps the loneliness of missing my husband badly turned what was supposed to be something difficult into something enjoyable. It became like a walk in the park, and well literally I WAS walking though not in the park. I’m starting to lose my train of thought so let me just get back to where I left off.

Even living in this house feels as natural as drinking water. The minute I get home I’ll usually get things settled, usually my personal chores and took my afternoon shower. Then I’ll start on my revision or studying and I find the solitude in this room of 4 people calming. Perhaps I’m combating the loneliness that I felt by keeping myself occupied and this is good I think. At least it’s getting me to study.

The only time that I dread is when I had to go out of the room because that’s when I will have to face the other 6 or less people living in this house. I don’t really hate meeting people, really. I’m usually quick at welcoming new relationships but then I guess this is where my anxiety comes in.

All my life, I did everything I could to avoid making mistakes and usually I will blame myself when something goes wrong, even when it was not really a big deal.

I make a big deal of my mistakes and I am really glad that Allah lead me to dentistry because I get to learn this wonderful subject they call ‘Behavioural Science’.

As I was given the lectures on Behavioural Science, I find myself more understanding of myself, why I behaved such and such, and why I reacted so violently towards myself. With understanding of my behaviour, I find myself becoming more compassionate and crying is no longer thought as a stupid thing to do.

I’m glad, really.

Alhamdulillah He finally answered my question that I have been asking myself for so long since I enter Dentistry because to be honest, Dentistry is not exactly what I have in mind for a career. Well, that goes for everything else. I’m really clueless, I know, but I’m past that now.

I now know what I want to do and this time I am really going to enjoy learning throughout the course.

This is my first post

Ear candy : What I’ve Done-Linkin Park

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

This is my first appearance here. Anyways, it has been a few days since I moved in this house of 11 people. It’s a bungalow and I’m sharing the master bedroom with 3 other ladies. The environment is different, and it kind of reminds me of the feeling that I had when I was renting back in Seri Iskandar, Perak. It’s really cool anyways. It has been just a few days and I tried to smile at those who wouldn’t even make eye contact with me and even when they didn’t smile back I didn’t really take it to heart. Yup, I don’t. In that sense, I have a feeling that I have changed slightly. At least I am further from my old self now. Baby steps. I’m getting there. Not immediately, but definitely. InshaAllah.

You know, talking about change, I am kind of desperate for it. When I resumed reading Purification Of The Heart, by Hamza Yusuf, although I’ve finished reading the introduction and I’m supposed to go on to the next page, I can’t. I feel the need to start over again. It kind of feels like I want to absorb everything written in the book, in hope that it will change me, that it will somehow switch the ON button of my obstinate heart.

It started during our first anniversary dinner. Me and husband were waiting for our orders and while waiting, we did a post-mortem of our marriage. Discussing our lacking and things that we need to improve, I found that there’s a lot, especially when it comes to me, and it almost overwhelmed me had I not calm down by the sight of food appearing on our table.

There’s so much to change and thus began my journey here to join my husband in pursuit of piety. Ameen Ya Rabb.