engage

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

I was quite anxious yesterday, but I thank Allah, really, for the chance He gave me.
It has been a while I haven't lead an usrah, but it was quite a last minute notice, so I didn't get to prepare much.
I went swimming (read: learn to swim) with my friends, which turned out quite OK even though I didn't even get to master the basic yet. Right after we're done, I just realized I received a test saying the akh cannot make it, and that message was sent like an hour earlier. So quickly we went back home, with my mind racing brainstorming what are we going to discuss in the usrah.

The boys just came back from dinner themselves, so when I got there, some of them are watching TV, some just about to get shower, some just going to pray.

It's been a loooong while, really, so I was feeling really awkward and I believe they sensed it too. But come to think of it, I've always been like that. Anxious and nervous when I was about to say something, especially in usrah. Somehow, they (my anak-anak usrah, even previous ones) always have the facial expression which I interpret that they are bored and don't really get what I say. Or did I misinterpret it? Were they just thinking of what I've said? I don't know. But those looks often made me feel more anxious. Made me being all too careful with what I'm about to say, afraid that I'll say something wrong. And that's not a pleasant feeling. Robs my confidence. Guess that's why I always find it hard and often hesitate to conduct an usrah. Gave me the impression that I'm not engaging well with them.

Anyway, after such a loooong time that I haven't conducted any usrah, I find myself losing much of my previous knowledge. Well, there goes the knowledge when you don't share them. And my flow of ideas are more jittery. Hmm.. not that yesterday's was good either. Always been jittery but back then it was quite OK, I guess.

Made me think about, of all the things that I've been wanting to teach my future kids, it's the same thing that I need to convey to them, really. It what everyone need to know, need to improve at. The only difference is, I guess, kids will be much more pure in terms of thinking, like a blank sheet of paper or cloth that you can colour it accordingly, but those boys, they've got they're own set of thinking, so changing that will be difficult. Oh, the approach will be different too. I just wonder, which will be harder, dealing with my own kids or them.

I think I understand why my previous naqib said, he won't let us get married if we never conduct an usrah. It's a good tarbiyah, a good preparation of dealing with human, their emotions and thinking, and trying your best to convey, to teach knowledge and transform them into actions towards a better future. The ultimate future, heaven or hell, most importantly.

Just hope I'll be able to be better at this. InsyaAllah. Ameen~

pull up

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Rahim

The other day, kami dibawa untuk attach dengan Occupational Therapy dept dekat Hospital Permai. Somewhat excited nak pergi, nak tengok apa yang dorang buat, dan indeed, sangat kagum dan terasa terharu dengan apa yang dorang buat.

Orang-orang yang so-called gila dan tak waras oleh masyarakat for sure akan sangat susah nak lawan stigma dengan macam-macam label dan tanggapan orang pada dorang, let alone to gain their trust, tapi alhamdulillah, dengan ada manusia-manusia dekat OT tu, slowly masyarakat boleh menerima orang-orang ni. Tak boleh bayang betapa susahnya kerja orang-orang dekat OT tu, carikan majikan dan syarikat-syarikat yang willing untuk terima pesakit-pesakit ni. Kerja dorang ni lebih kurang buat business lah, so that guy often equate pesakit-pesakit ni as barang, which I find quite disturbing, but understandable la. Cuba bayangkan kita dengan tebal mukanya nak offer "barang" kita yang orang dah perceive as defects dan cuba nak yakinkan dorang yang "barang2" ni masih boleh berfungsi. "Barang2" ni dapat dijual dengan murah sikit banding "barang2 normal" tapi nonetheless, dorang masih boleh "berfungsi" biarpun at a lower level. End up akhirnya banyak majikan yang siap demand lagi "barang2" ni sampaikan demand lebih daripada supply. Just imagine berapa ramai lagi insan-insan yang memerlukan sokongan untuk kembali ke masyarakat akan dapat kerja dan dapat buktikan dorang ni boleh balik jadi orang-orang normal.

Carikan kerja itu satu, untuk pujuk dan bagi motivasi dekat pesakit-pesakit ni, is another story. All their life, semua orang look down dekat dorang sampai dorang rasa worthless dan tak boleh nak buat apa-apa. In a way, we have to admit, memang dorang punya ability tu limited, tapi somehow, dorang masih dapat berbakti pada masyarakat. Terharu baca patient record yang ada report dari OT dept untuk sorang pesakit ni. Dalam tu dorang tulis, pesakit ni hari ni participate activity memasak. Dorang ajar goreng ikan. Pesakit ni sangat menunjukkan minat, tapi sangat tak confident. Masa tengah jaga ikan, dia tak confident bila boleh balik ikan tu, and kept on asking "cikgu2" tu bila boleh balikkan ikan tu. Dalam notes tu, tulis, kena bagi encouragement lagi dan follow up tengok dia boleh ke tak.

Imagine kita layan orang umur 40 tahun asyik tanya dah boleh balik ke belum every few seconds. Ingat iklan burung murai? Itu kanak-kanak tanya, boleh lah sabar jawab banyak kali soalan yang sama. Betapa sabarnya dorang. Dan kalau kat tempat kerja dorang ni relapse, kena serangan balik penyakit tu, orang-orang ni la jugak yang kena pergi dan tenangkan dia, make sure dia boleh kerja balik tak kira pukul berapa kena attack tu.

Dan that day, kitorang dibawak melawat bakery which is part of their project. Bayangkan dorang ni sampai boleh operate satu kilang kecik untuk buat kuih-kuih dan roti. In fact, dorang ni lah yang supply kuih-kuih untuk minum pagi dan petang pesakit-pesakit lain dekat ward yang tak berapa stabil lagi.

Dekat situ, kami diintroduce dengan pekerja-pekerja kat situ. Seorang slow-learner, yang somewhat antisocial. Sangat susah nak cakap dengan orang. Dan dorang berjaya encourage dia untuk bercakap. Kata mereka, kalau dulu setakat dua patah perkataan je boleh dengar, sekarang dah 20 patah perkataan. Sikit? That's a lot of improvement, seriously. Dorang bagi dia kerja packing dan jual kuih-kuih tu. Imagine orang yang tak biasa bercakap dengan orang kena berniaga, which obviously kena interact dengan pelanggan. Ada this one guy with mental retardation. He looks like he's in his 30s, tapi mentally he's 8 years old lebih kurang. Pesakit-pesakit lain macam gurau-gurau sakat dia, dia segan-segan menyorok tak tentu arah. Sangat suka dan terharu tengok environment kerja situ. They don't yell at each other, sebab masing-masing faham condition masing-masing. Ada sorang akak ni, kept on asking us about our degree, nak berborak-borak. Sambil-sambil buat karipap, dia senyum sorang-sorang, then tetiba serious balik. Easily labeled as "tak betul" dengan orang lain tapi dengan kerja itulah, they can find satisfaction and motivation to go on.

Masa tengah lepak-lepak kejap dekat kafeteria sementara tunggu kawan-kawan sudah dorang punya kerja, ada sorang pakcik yang pekerja kat situ jugak datang approach kami. Tengah borak-borak, dia tiba-tiba cakap, "pakcik dulu kes bunuh". I don't know how to react, but alhamdulillah, dah 3 minggu kat situ, tak dalah pulak nak gelabah-gelabah dan terus ada bad impression kat dia. It's not his fault pun bunuh orang tu. Most of the workers kat kafeteria and kedai runcit dalam tu adalah pesakit juga, and most of them adalah forensic cases i.e. kes jenayah. Rotation tu, teaches me to not straight away make a judgement about somebody, sebab each and every one of them ada story di sebaliknya dan kalau kita dengar, kita akan faham dan nak tolong dorang. The problem is, orang takut sejak dari awal dan tak nak dengar apatah lagi nak faham dorang.

Bottom line is, these people yang tolong pesakit-pesakit ni, may Allah bless them and what they do.

A simple way of describing them, they are pulling these patients up when they are at their lowest, and that is what I'm looking for dalam kerjaya. I want to make a change in people's life, tak kisah lah dengan apa cara sekalipun. Biarpun somehow I end up dropped out of medical school (naudzubillah), I'd look for some other jobs yang saya tahu boleh make a change in any way to somebody's life. So far, psychiatrist captured my heart. Am considering it for my future.

But then, yeah, masa 2nd year masa mula-mula dapat lecture pasal mental health ni, that lecturer that I admired said, by the end of MBBS, around 90% of medical student akan consider psychiatry as their future profession, but only around 5% akan truly take that. I don't know if I'll change my mind, but truly, psychiatry captured my heart.

p/s: teringat masa first few days orientation dekat KMB, Ms Loh suruh tulis impian atas kertas. Masa tu terasa sangat embarrassed untuk tulis, tapi terus jugak tulis, "I want to touch as many hearts as possible".. And now, I won't feel embarrassed anymore, cuz there's nothing to embarrassed about it, really. I want to do it, in whatever way possible. Allah, tetapkan hati hamba-Mu ini Ya Allah.

With love,

engraving it deep

It was pretty sad to see them old people.

This week's theme is about psychiatry for the old age, which covers mostly dementia of different types.

Talked to this old guy who's been there for like ages.

He was previously diagnosed with chronic schizophrenia, but now he didn't have all those psychotic symptoms anymore. No more voices, no delusions. The sad thing is, he just couldn't remember anything.

Most of our questions was answered with "I don't know.." "I can't remember".. And there were times when he seemed frustrated when answering, sounded as if he wanted us to stop asking him those questions he just couldn't answer.

He was simply… empty. Nothing. No emotion. Nothing to think about. Just sit around, doing nothing. He was sitting in front of the TV, but he wasn't really watching. Just like… total nothingness. Sad.

We asked him if he thinks that life is not worth living anymore, but no. He just don't know what to feel. Nothing to look forward to. As if he found no purpose to live anymore, but no reason to die yet too. Just, empty.

And most of them in that geriatric ward were chronic cases and they've been suffering it since ages and they had no where else to go. Some don't have any family members around anymore. Most, rejected by their own family. How sad. Sometimes I just can watch how they desperately trying to get the attention of the doctors, but yeah, the doctors are often busy and some of them just kind of ignored the oldies, really.

Made me wish that I don't want to live up to that stage when I'd suffer with dementia, not knowing anything and will be completely dependent of those around me, my kids and family, up to point they'll be frustrated with me and neglect me totally.

But the thing that scares me most is living with nothingness. Emptiness. No purpose. You just don't know what should you do on earth. Been thinking, all their life, did they ever come to know the purpose of life that Allah has given each and everyone of us? Perhaps, as it never ever came across their mind, that it was never ever engraved in their mind as well, so, perhaps that's the reason that it never ever got stuck into their mind that they've lost their purpose of living? Perhaps. Hmmm…

Heard soo many stories of previous great sheikhs who up until their last breath, no matter how handicapped they are, they just go on and do jihad and dakwah, in whatever ways they are still able to. Syeikh Yassiin, for example, and so many others. Wheelchair-bound pun, that didn't stop him. I'd imagine, old people nowadays, once they are on wheelchairs, how many of them would still be going to the mosque for their daily prayers? How many who can still go to Islamic talks etc etc? And that's only for himself. How many would be able to lead an army? How many can still give inspiring and motivating talks to the young syababs who needed their wisdom and life experience? How many can still and still want to contribute to the ummah, when all they can think of is their own death, and forgetting that they still have time to give something?

I guess it all starts when we are still young syababs. Engrave our life purposes through ilm and amal, engrave them so deep that it just couldn't fade away and eroded by the sands of time. Not just ilm, but amal is the more important thing, for ilm only sketches the drawing, but the amal will the thing that'll engrave it to our hearts and mind.

dunno how to rotate the pic.. huhu.. but this is the feedback I got from one of the patients. Seems quite a lot of people kept on commenting about my confidence....

this one is basically to test a patient's cognition. I asked him to put the hands on the clock to show it's 10 past 12. He wrote "10" after the number 12 and then draw the hand. Have a look at what he wrote under the "TUTUP MATA ANDA" tu.

With love,

Gila!

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Rahim

Seminggu yang pertama aku dalam rotation Mental Health dah habis, and 3 more weeks to go.

Right from the start I was pretty excited untuk pergi situ, and indeed, I''m kinda enjoying my time kat situ. But all the same, terasa sangat sedih melihat mereka-mereka ni.

They were previously OK, but then something happened in their life, lalu membuatkan mereka jadi macam tu. Ada yang hisap ganja, ada yang putus tunang, ada yang tak jadi kahwin, dan end up with delusions and hallucinations yang biasalah orang akan label dorang ni as gila.

Dan dalam satu discussion dengan lecturer kami, he pointed out an issue of which he stated that, in a sense, people with religion are somewhat delusional, if we were to apply the definition. Macam mana pun, let's look at the definiition.

Delusion: An abnormal belief which is held with absolute subjective certainty, which requires no external proof, which may be held in the face of contradictory evidence, and which has personal significance and importance to the individual concerned.

When he said that, I was feeling really uncomfortable, sebab tak tahu sama ada statement tu hanya disebut or if he agrees with that statement. And I kind of don't like to argue dan berdebat, and eventually I think he can sense that I'm not comfortable with it, so dia tukar topik.

Anyhow, probably based on his general view, faith, regardless of what religion you believe in, are delusions, sebab when it's a faith, you believe in it with certainty yang kalaupun orang sangkal dengan macam-macam bukti dan hujah, kita tetap akan percaya. Tengok je lah debat-debat Ahmad Deedat dengan paderi-paderi Kristian. Hujah cukup power, tapi dorang still choose to believe. My lecturer said, you can't actually prove that God exists, you can't see him.

There's this one Indonesian guy yang saya jumpa, and he's obviously manic, with grandiose delusions, saying that he is in heaven (said that Malaysia ini sorga, Indonesia belum sorga lagi. Heh. ), and that he is God and also said he saw Muhammad S.A.W. and that the Prophet went into his body so he is Muhammad S.A.W. now.

Kind of made me wonder. Kita sekarang, berhadapan dengan this guy yang mengaku dia nabi. Sejauh mana kita nak percaya dia?

Terfikir, macam mana agaknya perasaan orang Quraisy masa Nabi Muhammad SAW mula-mula cakap dia seorang nabi? Apa yang dia fikir masa Nabi Muhammad SAW cakap dia boleh bergerak ke Baitul Maqdis dalam satu malam? "He must be delusional!" Gila! Mana boleh orang buat macam tu. Tak logik! Dan bila Rasulullah tunjuk "magik", bulan terbelah dua, dan macam-macam lagi mukjizat yang Allah kurniakan pada baginda, "Ishh, dia ni memang ahli sihir!"

Just imagine, Rasulullah di zaman kita, yang mana kita tak tahu pun sebenarnya dia tu Rasulullah, and he came claiming that he is a prophet, adakah kita tak terfikir benda sama?

It got me thinking, what makes those sahabah percaya pada Rasulullah. Abu Bakar, bergelar As Siddiq, kerana kepercayaan pada Rasulullah sampai segala apa pun Rasulullah kata, dia membenarkan without a doubt. How? Kenapa? Kenapa sahabat-sahabat lain pun percaya with this new idea yang sangat-sangat asing pada masa tu?

Perhaps, we should look at macam mana Rasulullah even before dia dapat wahyu pertama. I think akhlaq is the key. Satu syarat wajib seorang rasul is amanah, dan saya percaya, setiap kita tahu bahawa Rasulullah terkenal dengan gelaran al-Amin. Dalam sehari-hari, dalam perniagaan. ALL HIS LIFE! Macam kita, gurau-gurau dari kecik lagi mesti ada unsur acah mengacah. "Ada lipas kat bahu kau!!! Ohh aku acah je. Hahaha".. Rasulullah, dari kecil dah diasuh dalam perniagaan untuk jujur.

Saya cukup tersentuh dengan satu hadith yang saya dengar di IKIM.fm suatu masa dulu. Kisahnya seorang sahabat ni nak keluar berjalan dengan Rasulullah, tapi sebelum keluar tu, anaknya meragam maka dia cakap balik nanti dia akan bawakan coklat/manisan atau yang sama waktu dengannya. Maka si anak pun diam dan si ayah itu keluar bersama Rasulullah. Dalam perjalanan balik, Rasulullah tanya si sahabat tu, adakah benar kau akan belikan apa yang kau cakapkan tu? Si sahabat tu cakap, tidak, itu hanya untuk bagi dia senyap. Rasulullah membalas, katanya, lebih kurang begini: Tunaikan apa yang kau cakapkan, kerana kalau sekali kau menipu anak kau, maka kau akan menipu lagi dan lagi, dan si anak akan menipu anaknya seperti kamu dan seterusnya.

Common practice, bukan? Si ayah menipu si anak, cakap akan buat itu dan ini, hanya semata-mata untuk bagi anak senyap dan kononnya akan behave. Satu benda yang mungkin ramai melihat remeh, tapi jujur dan amanah goes a long way dalam mendidik seorang anak, dan juga as an individual terutamanya!

Benda pertama yang orang akan jatuh hati adalah perlakuan seseorang itu, dan bukan selalunya pada mesejnya. Buktinya zaman sekarang sangat jelas, orang Islam sendiri tak behave, gaya hidup yang membawa fitnah pada Islam, masakan orang tertarik pada Islam sedangkan ramai yang tahu Islam itu benar. In fact kalau dibawa benda salah sekalipun, tepi dengan akhlaq dan perlakuan yang menjinakkan hati, tak mengejutkan kalau ada yang tertarik.

Kenapa Quraisy tak nak terima walaupun mengakui akhlaq Rasulullah itu dah sangat mantap? Well, a whole lot of reasons, dari segi kepentingan sendiri, ego tak nak terima dan lepaskan title dan jawatan, juga betapa mereka memahami kalimah yang dibawa Rasulullah. Jadi, walaupun telah dikemukakan bukti-bukti yang nyata Allah itu wujud, tetapi mereka tetap mengingkari dan tetap percaya pada selain Allah, maka siapakah sebenarnya yang mengalami delusi? Who is it who is truly delusional? Dan apalah bezanya dengan orang-orang yang menolak Islam walaupun telah jelas pada mereka apa yang benar. Tidakkah mereka itu selayaknya dikatakan delusional? Siapakah yang gila?

OK. Kesimpulannya, walau apa pun mesejnya, mahu tak mahu, perkara pertama yang orang tengok adalah akhlaq dan perlakuan orang yang menyampaikan. Dan aspek utama yang sangat-sangat lacking zaman ini adalah kejujuran dan amanah. Tak kira dalam apa-apa aspek pun. Baik dalam mentarbiyah seorang individu kecil, sehingga mentadbir berjuta-juta individu dalam satu negara. Ramai yang nak "menjerat" pun dari awal menggunakan teknik menipu.. Katanya hendak ke situ dan sini, rupanya lain ceritanya. Lalu  bagaimana ya?

Wallahua'lam...

kindness boomerang

Don't you just feel great when you know you've done something good for others? And believe you me, Allah will repay you in ways you never expect, and perhaps never even realize. So go on, give a penny or two, or three, or a dollar, or a helping hand, just anything simple, and say Alhamdulillah. Don't hesitate. You won't lose a thing. Cuz indeed, kindness keeps the world afloat. Never ever say you've got nothing to give, cuz you've got more than you deserve, and that's for you to share.

We live in the time when people are skeptical even to people who are trying to do good to us. Selalu takut kalau-kalau orang sebenarnya nak buat jahat kat kita di sebalik kebaikan tu. When trust disappears from our society, keep the world afloat with your kindness, no matter what people might think or say, or what people might do to us.

keterlaluan

This was written posted years ago, and I can't remember when was it,

but it was something from my heart. Just thought I'd repost it here.

A reminder to myself... From the old me to the me now..

***

Sesetengah orang terlalu ghairah menyuruh itu ini hingga lupa perasaan orang di bawah.

Sesetengah orang terlalu suka mengata yang di atas hingga lupa tanggungjawab sendiri.

Sesetengah orang terlalu rajin berkata-kata hingga terlupa untuk berbuat sesuai dengan katanya.

Sesetengah orang terlalu rajin bertindak hingga sukar untuk berkata-kata, menyampaikan rasa yang terbuku.

Kadang kala kita terlalu marah untuk bertenang dan berfikir,

dan kadang kala kita terlalu bertenang untuk bersegera berfikir.

Kadang kala kita terlalu melihat matlamat hingga tak nampak cara ke matlamat, kerana makin lama melihat, matlamat kelihatan terlalu hebat tanpa mampu dicapai.

Kadang kala kita terlalu melihat cara hingga seronok dengan cara itu dan melupai untuk mencapai matlamat.

Kadang kala kita terlalu melihat ke depan sampai lupa toleh ke belakang, tanpa sedari kita mengikut yang di belakang.

Kadang kala kita terlalu lama melihat ke belakang hingga tak berani melangkah ke depan, sebab tak tahu apa yang di depan, kerana sedang menoleh ke belakang.

Kadang kala kita terlalu mudah menerima lalu payah untuk memberi.

Kadang kala kita terlalu biasa memberi lalu sombong untuk menerima.

Kadang kala kita terlalu risaukan apa pandangan orang dan lupakan pandangan sendiri.

Kadang kala kita terlalu yakin dengan pendapat sendiri dan abaikan pandangan orang lain.

Kadang kala kita terlalu menjaga fizikal, maka terbiarlah "mereput" dalaman,

sedang yang akan dinilai adalah dalaman, sementara fizikal yang akan mereput.

Kadang kala kita terlalu meragui kebolehan orang lain lalu membebani diri sendiri.

Kadang kala kita terlalu percaya pada kebolehan orang hingga tak nampak kebolehan diri dan bergantung kepadanya.

Kebanyakan masa kita terlalu persoal mengapa Allah tak perkenan doa, tak sayang hamba,

sedang Allah terlalu mahu melihat hambanya berusaha merebut cinta-Nya.

Sering kali kita terlalu mengejar dunia hingga lupakan akhirat,

dan terlalu jarang sekali kita masteri dunia demi mencapai akhirat.

dan selalunya kita terlalu banyak mengingkari arahanNya,

dan terlalu sedikit mengejar untuk mengikuti suruhanNya.

sedang Dia terlalu banyak memberi nikmat demi kesenangan kita,

dan terlalu berat untuk menghukum kita,

dan terlalu kasihkan kita hingga dosa sedia diampun,

jika kita sedia mengharap, sedia memohon, sedia kembali.

namun kita terlalu sibuk dengan nikmat hingga lupa kepada pencipta nikmat,

terlalu lupa kepada pencipta diri.

Betul...

Kita memang keterlaluan..

***

fixture

Bismillah

the first moment when I see a patient, I see a disease, an illness, an ailment.

the next moment when I talk to the patient, I see a troubled, impaired body,

the moment when I start to listen, I see an aching soul.

We're human, not robots.

Not to be fixed, but begging to be healed.