engage

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

I was quite anxious yesterday, but I thank Allah, really, for the chance He gave me.
It has been a while I haven't lead an usrah, but it was quite a last minute notice, so I didn't get to prepare much.
I went swimming (read: learn to swim) with my friends, which turned out quite OK even though I didn't even get to master the basic yet. Right after we're done, I just realized I received a test saying the akh cannot make it, and that message was sent like an hour earlier. So quickly we went back home, with my mind racing brainstorming what are we going to discuss in the usrah.

The boys just came back from dinner themselves, so when I got there, some of them are watching TV, some just about to get shower, some just going to pray.

It's been a loooong while, really, so I was feeling really awkward and I believe they sensed it too. But come to think of it, I've always been like that. Anxious and nervous when I was about to say something, especially in usrah. Somehow, they (my anak-anak usrah, even previous ones) always have the facial expression which I interpret that they are bored and don't really get what I say. Or did I misinterpret it? Were they just thinking of what I've said? I don't know. But those looks often made me feel more anxious. Made me being all too careful with what I'm about to say, afraid that I'll say something wrong. And that's not a pleasant feeling. Robs my confidence. Guess that's why I always find it hard and often hesitate to conduct an usrah. Gave me the impression that I'm not engaging well with them.

Anyway, after such a loooong time that I haven't conducted any usrah, I find myself losing much of my previous knowledge. Well, there goes the knowledge when you don't share them. And my flow of ideas are more jittery. Hmm.. not that yesterday's was good either. Always been jittery but back then it was quite OK, I guess.

Made me think about, of all the things that I've been wanting to teach my future kids, it's the same thing that I need to convey to them, really. It what everyone need to know, need to improve at. The only difference is, I guess, kids will be much more pure in terms of thinking, like a blank sheet of paper or cloth that you can colour it accordingly, but those boys, they've got they're own set of thinking, so changing that will be difficult. Oh, the approach will be different too. I just wonder, which will be harder, dealing with my own kids or them.

I think I understand why my previous naqib said, he won't let us get married if we never conduct an usrah. It's a good tarbiyah, a good preparation of dealing with human, their emotions and thinking, and trying your best to convey, to teach knowledge and transform them into actions towards a better future. The ultimate future, heaven or hell, most importantly.

Just hope I'll be able to be better at this. InsyaAllah. Ameen~