external locus of control

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Imagine a patient recently diagnosed with an illness, say, diabetes, and the doctor is explaining what he needed to do, e.g. control his sugar intake, maintain his weight and exercise, taking medications etc etc.

Situation A
The patient listens and understand it's up to him to control his sugar intake, exercise etc and also take his medications with full compliance.

Situation B
The patient simply said, "Skip it doc! Just take my money and give me the best tablets to cure me!
I ain't going to exercise and all. Nobody ain't got time fo dat!"

So you see, situation A is what we call internal locus of control, and situation B, you guessed it right, external locus of control. The former is quite the ideal patient a doctor would want. You give em something, and they know they themselves need to do it if they want to make it happen, whatever that is.

Me, whaddaya know.. I think I'm having the external locus of control. Been having ups and downs for the past few years but mostly downs, and tell you what, yesterday when I was having my downtime again, I prayed for Allah to send me someone to help me. And you know what, I have been praying for that since years ago. There are times that I'd just hope that for all of these things I'm feeling, there's a medical condition that I can blame on. Kind of like a mild hypochondriac.. not the hardcore kind.

It's not right, is it? When we first learnt about this in med school, it hit me that I'm just that, and I kept on wondering should I do, and when I'm starting to feel down, I'd pray for that in desperation. But no, that's not right. Cuz it's all up to me. That person who can come and help me is..simply me. It's not a disease, it's just you.
You know as they say, you are your biggest enemy. You need to face yourself, face your own weaknesses, your own emotions, clean up what's cluttering your mind and insyaaAllah, bring out the pure inner you. Build up your strengths, your potentials. Fight off the jahiliyyah in you, now that's a real mujahadah.

All I need to do is fight it off. It's not easy, but I've been there, or perhaps close enough, and so it's not impossible. Just perhaps this time it'll take a lot more of my strengths. Saw this post on 9GAG (I really should get off of it...), which says "when life just gets harder, that means you've just leveled up!". I guess in a way, my prayers are answered, as I've got my partner-for-life to help me out, alhamdulillah, but really, she won't be able to help me if I don't help myself. That's not how it's supposed to be. It's not like one of those fairy tales when you've found your angel and things instantly turn bright and you live happily ever after. That won't happen in a day, that's for sure. But perhaps, years later, I'll be a changed person. A better man... insyaaAllah..

Ameen...

OnComm

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

It's 1 am and I couldn't sleep. Probably because I dozed off in the bus on my way back to Johor earlier today. And so I thought I should write.

It has been 5 months since we're married and I just thought I'd share a lil something I learnt quite recently.
In marriage, communication is super super important and you need that to understand each other.
One of the things that I believe is important to understand along the way is, what sort of things that you do mind but your spouse didn't, and vice versa, and to actually communicate it and try to understand each other.

Like in our case, we're both still studying and dependent on our scholarships to survive and money is real tight, and seriously, being a guy and not being able to give much bugs me. When we went out the other day, I felt bad not being able to bring her to a good place to eat and went for a value meal in a simple restaurant instead. And tell you what, she was OK with that. Like an akh of mine whose marriage just turned 1 year old   not long ago, "It's just psychological". He had his share of similar experience.

It's a great feeling, really, when you know your spouse understands you and accept you as you are, despite her background or habits which are quite the opposite.

You need to communicate that feeling of discontent and not keeping it in. Once you let it out, you let your other half know about it, and insyaaAllah, she'll try to understand it, and you'll gain your reassurance. Perhaps it doesn't apply to all cases and everybody, but keeping it in won't solve much either, I guess.

You need to identify what is it that you mind and see if she minds, and you work it out from there.
If she doesn't mind, you need to learn to comfort yourself not to let it mind you so much that it ruin things. If she does mind, then, try and do something about it if you can.

Key point: communicate. Let the other person know how you're feeling. And work it out from there.


So there, from a feeble 5-months experience of marriage.
It's still a real long journey for us and we're learning many new things as we go along.

insyaaAllah, till Jannah =)

akhi?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem


This hit me this morning. Of why I'm feel like going down.
I guess the motto for IKRAM is pretty accurate.
Ukhwah teras kegemilangan.
It's a big thing, really.
And I believe that's what missing, that's what making me feel very empty since last year.

The KMB period was the best, plus, it's where it all started for me.
The best usrahmates and naqib so far, I think.
Then when I went to Newcastle, I was cast all alone to start on my own journey,
with no one to help. It was difficult. Really. But alhamdulillah, I still got my mates back in KMB,
not just my usrahmates, but ikhwahs from KMB too, who are from the same boat and not all alike.
I miss those times, PMS and all, and them asking if I'm doing alright.
They know it's hard in Newcastle, and some of them knew about my conflicts and seemed to care enough.
Despite the conflicts, I don't feel alone. I can feel their ukhuwwah.

Now in Newcastle Malaysia, again, cast alone... Yeap, that's how I feel.
I got mates, but somehow I'm not able to have that click. I guess I'm still weak.
I couldn't stand up on my own. I couldn't push myself. Even to push myself to fulfill my mutabaah 'amal is really hard.
I'm still stagnant, still where I was, like when I left KMB. Seeing the same people around my age, they're somewhere.. Way ahead of me, for sure.

Don't get me wrong. My mates are great. They are great, and they are making progress.
But I couldn't feel their ukhuwwah. I couldn't feel such thing with my naqib as well, which is somewhat worse. Usrah just simply feels like a gathering for 'ilm, and not more than that. I only meet my naqib once a week or a fortnight. No other contact other than usrah. Even when he brought me to a daurah, I was there alone. Heh. I'm still like this after all this years. I can bond with the ikhwahs I just met there, and they are great people, and made me miss the ukhwah I can feel back then, but really, what's hindering me is the fact that I'm still like this... Years and years, but I'm still like this. Felt somewhat ashamed. And I'm not bonding well with my naqib. He's trying his best, really.

This is how people can go futur, right? They'll start to drift away from the pack, and feeling worse and worse and by time, they'll be completely gone. And all they need is ukhuwwah. Someone to pull them back in and help them out, and not judging them. These people, they don't feel like they are part of the pack anymore, and what's worse, the ikhwahs seemed to behaving like so too. When they saw an akh drifting away, they'd assume that he's not interested anymore and they shouldn't do anything, it's his choice anyway. The ustaz's words are stuck in my head. "Kalau dah bertahun, sama je lagi, baik cantas je..."
Made me feel like I don't deserve to be with them, and it's sad.
I just wanted to make a contribution to Islam, with whatever I can do. I guess that's what keep me going, kept me in this path till now. Even if they'd chuck me out, I'd go for something else that I can put my effort in for Islam. Which is kinda sad... Alhamdulillah for my 1st ever true usrah, cuz you people have been the asbab sent by Allah to shape me like who I am. I'll go on doing what I can do insyaaAllah, even if I was chucked out. Even when I'm not with you guys. But hey, I'm not leaving or anything. Not yet. Just saying, just in case...

I miss you people. I miss your ukhuwwah.

the dark side

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

If you are adivising someone, and you insist on seeing your advice taken, you are doing wrong since you could be mistaken and you would be insisting on him accepting you error and rejecting the truth.

-Ibn Hazm

Just posted this on FB, and it really is a reminder to me. 
Referring to previous post, I'm really really scared of myself lately, with the recent changes I'm seeing in me. 
I believe it is good to be firm with what I think, but I'm afraid that I'll always believe that what I'm thinking is right, and worse, imposing that belief to others without really knowing if that is right or wrong. 
It's a balance that I need to keep, not to fall over to the dark side. 
Something that's bugging me, but alhamdulillah, Allah made me aware of such disease of the heart, 
so I hope I'll grow mature out of this trial of mine. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, please. I need to have someone to pull me back down to earth when I'm really full of myself, probably with air, like a tin can, that I'll float aimlessly. Someone, anyone... 

Ugly

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Today I can't help but feel that the world is really ugly. I can't see why people find it so fulfilling and beautiful. It's just a mask concealing such a hideous face of humanity.
We've been discussing about HIV and prostitutions and hard-to-reach group for medical interventions and what triggered my thoughts was when my lecturer said that prostitutions exists since day one the world existed and we can't do anything to stop it, we can't ban it, so what we should do is to control it.

I can't imagine how those prostitutes feel after they had their job done. Do they really enjoy it?
Well, some are forced to do it, through poverty and exploitation, and that's a problem we need to actively try to solve. But those who are doing it out of pleasure, I wonder if pleasure is what they actually get. Physically, yes, we do need it but the deeper meaning of pleasure is not physical. Deep inside, pretty sure they'll feel empty and alone and there is no sense of satisfaction at all. All for the short term pleasure of others, perhaps, which poses a lot bigger problem.

I simply can't see why she said that. Yes, a she. How can a woman agree that prostitution is acceptable and not worth fighting against? I see no position for prostitution in any country around the world. It resulted from a problem, which escalates pretty quickly to a bigger problem. Our society, global society, really, is very very sick.

Prostitution, doesn't just affect teenagers and young girls. Getting married early is not exactly the solution anyway to combat such things. And it can also pose a great threat to marriages. A spouse might not be satisfied with his/her partner hence, they'll look for it elsewhere since it is available, legal or not legal, be it through prostitution, or from whoever they got to know with. The bigger problem, fall of the marriage institution. The instability of such thing robs the stability of the society, and in the end, it made the problem even worse.

The solution that kept on being proposed in the seminar, sex education. Really, I'm not against this. I'm actually for it. But I don't agree with the statement that my friend voiced out, and agreed by the lecturer. School is the best place for such education. No it's not. It's back to the family institution! Who else could be a better guider, a better teacher than the mother to her daughter, and the father to the son? Why couldn't the children consult their parents about sexual issues, social issues or if there's any problem "down there"? Why can't they?

Well, I believe children don't feel welcomed to do so. Parents can appear unwilling, or rather, they don't even have time for their children. Perhaps not even proper family bond is present. Or perhaps, even worse, the parents are the one who's abusing the children, be it sexually or any other way, which escalates the problem even further. Some parents simply are not comfortable, or don't know how, which is really understandable, and really, what it takes is the right mindset for the parents, and proper education.

It's really sick and ugly, isn't it? People are just too greedy for fame and fortune that they neglect their children. People are too greedy for pleasure that they can't let go of it totally, e.g. prostitutions, smoking etc etc. even when they can see it's a problem. Probably most are unable to comprehend why such issues are big problems, or perhaps they can't see how it affected their own lives. Or perhaps, it's the diffusion of responsibiliy theory. You saw the problem, everyone saw it, but nobody gives a damn to do something cuz well, somebody else should/could/would have done it, aye?

I do agree that sex education is important, but the overall education, the holistic tarbiyyah is much much more important. Morale, akhlaq, worldview.. these are really important aspects that we need to think about in nurturing the future kids. We are not just responsible for our lives, and also not just for our immediate children's lives, but we must believe that we do hold such great potentials in changing how the world is in perhaps 20 to 40 years ahead, probably even 100 years ahead of us. It's what we do today that matters. We are not insignificant to others. Believe in that.

We are not ugly.




Warm regards,

speech

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Ramadhan baru-baru ni, alhamdulillah ada improvement dalam tilawah.
Ramadhan sebelumnya sekadar dapat habiskan satu Quran, tapi kali ni alhamdulillah berjaya habiskan beserta dengan baca terjemahan. Based on that, macam dapat overall picture of apa isi Quran sebenarnya.

And one peculiar thing that I noticed adalah, sangat sangat sangat banyak kali diulang kisah Nabi Musa dan Firaun in various parts of the Quran. Ada yang lain sikit gaya cerita, but each bearing reminder yang berbeza or reinforcing the story itself.

Satu benda buat ku tertanya-tanya setelah cerita tu diulang-ulang.
Nabi Musa minta Allah untuk utus bersama baginda Nabi Harun, sebab baginda mengaku lidahnya tak fasih berhujah. The question is, throughout the Quran, sangat jarang dengan dialog Nabi Harun. Kebanyakannya adalah Nabi Musa yang berhujah dengan Firaun.

"Dan saudaraku Harun, dia lebih fasih lidahnya daripadaku, maka utuslah dia bersama-samaku sebagai penyokong yang mengakui kebenaranku; sesungguhnya aku bimbang bahawa mereka akan mendustakan daku."

Al Qasas 28:34

The significance of the ayat to me is that, aku selalu rasa aku tak fasih bercakap. Selalu rasa frust bila tak dapat nak convey apa sebenarnya yang aku nak cakap. People often got confused, or got bored sebab tak faham-faham aku nak cakap apa sebenarnya. Asyik pusing-pusing point yang sama. Selalu frust and disheartened untuk bawak usrah especially. Selalu rasa nak menyorok dan biar orang lain bercakap. Biar orang lain yang lead dan aku mencelah bila rasa mampu.

Tadabbur ku dari ayat tu, ialah, sekalipun tak reti, Allah akan tolong insyaaAllah. Boleh jadi Allah bagi teman yang akan tolong, tapi macam mana pun, aku sendiri yang kena cakap dan convey the message. Kena cuba. Kena latih untuk bercakap. Dan alhamdulillah, aku sedang berubah sedikit demi sedikit. Cantik sangat do'a Nabi Musa untuk mintak Allah lancarkan lisan dia.

Maka, tak ada alasan untuk tidak bercakap. Harus minta pada Allah segala penyelesaian, tapi sendiri jangan lupa untuk act it out. Penyelesaian tak datang bergolek. Harus berusaha!



being me,

ego?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Lately ni aku rasa macam mudah annoyed dengan orang.
Buat aku terasa aku ego, bila rasa annoyed benda tak berlaku seperti yang aku faham.
As if aku je yang betul.
Especially dalam kelas.
Annoyed dengan orang-orang yang aku pasti dorang tahu jawapan tapi bila lecturer tanya semua membatu.
Aku dulu macam tu, tapi sejak 3rd year, aku dah berubah dan main jawab tak kira betul atau tak, as long as aku ada basis or reasoning for that answer la. Aku main jawab so that kalau salah, aku tahu mana patut aku betulkan. And aku tak jawab, kalau aku betul-betul blur, which is the case bila 4th year ni. huhu.

Satu perubahan yang ku tak sure satu benda yang bagus atau tak.
Sebelum ni I was really timid. Senyap dan tak bersuara sangat.
Now, in a way, satu benda bagus sebab aku terasa makin firm dengan apa yang aku fikir, rather than macam lalang and indecisive macam dulu. Sekarang pun dalam proses nak kurangkan penggunaan "kot", "macam", "like", "kinda" dan frasa-frasa yang seumpamanya, sebab membuatkan ayat-ayatku berbunyi tak yakin dan tak firm. Thanks to my beloved wife yang kerap tegur whenever I do that. Alhamdulillah. A positive change, I believe, sebab macam mana nak lead family kalau sendiri tak firm dalam keputusan. But yeah, masih belum cukup matang dalam benda ni. Aku terlebih technical, most of the time, without really thinking pasal benda lain. I'll get there insyaaAllah, ayte?

Dan sekarang rasa makin berani voice out apa yang aku fikir, so that orang tahu apa aku fikir, dan mengharapkan orang pun akan convey apa mereka rasa, supaya sama-sama boleh belajar. Mungkin ini hikmah Allah hidangkan aku dengan ujian berat some time ago. Mengajar untuk aku open up dan voice out apa aku rasa, dengan yakin dan hujah yang cukup kuat.

Drawback yang ku rasa sekarang, since now kalau voice out something, ku ada reasoning sendiri kenapa ku fikir macam tu, sampaikan terasa macam apa yang ku fikirkan tu adalah betul, sampai terasa macam mempertikaikan pandangan orang lain. Mungkin juga sebab pandangan aku kadang-kadang diterima.
Atau mungkin orang lain jadi timid, so tak voice out apa mereka rasa maka terima je. Atau mungkin gaya aku cakap as if dari awal tak nak terima so orang menyampah nak counter dan terima je?
Paling aku tak nak adalah the latter. Paling tak nak cara aku cakap jadi punca orang tak nak voice out, sebab the reason aku voice out pun adalah untuk dengar pandangan orang lain. Sangat-sangat harap that's not the case.

Perhaps it's my ego? Am I developing my ego..?


being me,