external locus of control

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Imagine a patient recently diagnosed with an illness, say, diabetes, and the doctor is explaining what he needed to do, e.g. control his sugar intake, maintain his weight and exercise, taking medications etc etc.

Situation A
The patient listens and understand it's up to him to control his sugar intake, exercise etc and also take his medications with full compliance.

Situation B
The patient simply said, "Skip it doc! Just take my money and give me the best tablets to cure me!
I ain't going to exercise and all. Nobody ain't got time fo dat!"

So you see, situation A is what we call internal locus of control, and situation B, you guessed it right, external locus of control. The former is quite the ideal patient a doctor would want. You give em something, and they know they themselves need to do it if they want to make it happen, whatever that is.

Me, whaddaya know.. I think I'm having the external locus of control. Been having ups and downs for the past few years but mostly downs, and tell you what, yesterday when I was having my downtime again, I prayed for Allah to send me someone to help me. And you know what, I have been praying for that since years ago. There are times that I'd just hope that for all of these things I'm feeling, there's a medical condition that I can blame on. Kind of like a mild hypochondriac.. not the hardcore kind.

It's not right, is it? When we first learnt about this in med school, it hit me that I'm just that, and I kept on wondering should I do, and when I'm starting to feel down, I'd pray for that in desperation. But no, that's not right. Cuz it's all up to me. That person who can come and help me is..simply me. It's not a disease, it's just you.
You know as they say, you are your biggest enemy. You need to face yourself, face your own weaknesses, your own emotions, clean up what's cluttering your mind and insyaaAllah, bring out the pure inner you. Build up your strengths, your potentials. Fight off the jahiliyyah in you, now that's a real mujahadah.

All I need to do is fight it off. It's not easy, but I've been there, or perhaps close enough, and so it's not impossible. Just perhaps this time it'll take a lot more of my strengths. Saw this post on 9GAG (I really should get off of it...), which says "when life just gets harder, that means you've just leveled up!". I guess in a way, my prayers are answered, as I've got my partner-for-life to help me out, alhamdulillah, but really, she won't be able to help me if I don't help myself. That's not how it's supposed to be. It's not like one of those fairy tales when you've found your angel and things instantly turn bright and you live happily ever after. That won't happen in a day, that's for sure. But perhaps, years later, I'll be a changed person. A better man... insyaaAllah..

Ameen...