external locus of control

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Imagine a patient recently diagnosed with an illness, say, diabetes, and the doctor is explaining what he needed to do, e.g. control his sugar intake, maintain his weight and exercise, taking medications etc etc.

Situation A
The patient listens and understand it's up to him to control his sugar intake, exercise etc and also take his medications with full compliance.

Situation B
The patient simply said, "Skip it doc! Just take my money and give me the best tablets to cure me!
I ain't going to exercise and all. Nobody ain't got time fo dat!"

So you see, situation A is what we call internal locus of control, and situation B, you guessed it right, external locus of control. The former is quite the ideal patient a doctor would want. You give em something, and they know they themselves need to do it if they want to make it happen, whatever that is.

Me, whaddaya know.. I think I'm having the external locus of control. Been having ups and downs for the past few years but mostly downs, and tell you what, yesterday when I was having my downtime again, I prayed for Allah to send me someone to help me. And you know what, I have been praying for that since years ago. There are times that I'd just hope that for all of these things I'm feeling, there's a medical condition that I can blame on. Kind of like a mild hypochondriac.. not the hardcore kind.

It's not right, is it? When we first learnt about this in med school, it hit me that I'm just that, and I kept on wondering should I do, and when I'm starting to feel down, I'd pray for that in desperation. But no, that's not right. Cuz it's all up to me. That person who can come and help me is..simply me. It's not a disease, it's just you.
You know as they say, you are your biggest enemy. You need to face yourself, face your own weaknesses, your own emotions, clean up what's cluttering your mind and insyaaAllah, bring out the pure inner you. Build up your strengths, your potentials. Fight off the jahiliyyah in you, now that's a real mujahadah.

All I need to do is fight it off. It's not easy, but I've been there, or perhaps close enough, and so it's not impossible. Just perhaps this time it'll take a lot more of my strengths. Saw this post on 9GAG (I really should get off of it...), which says "when life just gets harder, that means you've just leveled up!". I guess in a way, my prayers are answered, as I've got my partner-for-life to help me out, alhamdulillah, but really, she won't be able to help me if I don't help myself. That's not how it's supposed to be. It's not like one of those fairy tales when you've found your angel and things instantly turn bright and you live happily ever after. That won't happen in a day, that's for sure. But perhaps, years later, I'll be a changed person. A better man... insyaaAllah..

Ameen...

OnComm

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

It's 1 am and I couldn't sleep. Probably because I dozed off in the bus on my way back to Johor earlier today. And so I thought I should write.

It has been 5 months since we're married and I just thought I'd share a lil something I learnt quite recently.
In marriage, communication is super super important and you need that to understand each other.
One of the things that I believe is important to understand along the way is, what sort of things that you do mind but your spouse didn't, and vice versa, and to actually communicate it and try to understand each other.

Like in our case, we're both still studying and dependent on our scholarships to survive and money is real tight, and seriously, being a guy and not being able to give much bugs me. When we went out the other day, I felt bad not being able to bring her to a good place to eat and went for a value meal in a simple restaurant instead. And tell you what, she was OK with that. Like an akh of mine whose marriage just turned 1 year old   not long ago, "It's just psychological". He had his share of similar experience.

It's a great feeling, really, when you know your spouse understands you and accept you as you are, despite her background or habits which are quite the opposite.

You need to communicate that feeling of discontent and not keeping it in. Once you let it out, you let your other half know about it, and insyaaAllah, she'll try to understand it, and you'll gain your reassurance. Perhaps it doesn't apply to all cases and everybody, but keeping it in won't solve much either, I guess.

You need to identify what is it that you mind and see if she minds, and you work it out from there.
If she doesn't mind, you need to learn to comfort yourself not to let it mind you so much that it ruin things. If she does mind, then, try and do something about it if you can.

Key point: communicate. Let the other person know how you're feeling. And work it out from there.


So there, from a feeble 5-months experience of marriage.
It's still a real long journey for us and we're learning many new things as we go along.

insyaaAllah, till Jannah =)

akhi?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem


This hit me this morning. Of why I'm feel like going down.
I guess the motto for IKRAM is pretty accurate.
Ukhwah teras kegemilangan.
It's a big thing, really.
And I believe that's what missing, that's what making me feel very empty since last year.

The KMB period was the best, plus, it's where it all started for me.
The best usrahmates and naqib so far, I think.
Then when I went to Newcastle, I was cast all alone to start on my own journey,
with no one to help. It was difficult. Really. But alhamdulillah, I still got my mates back in KMB,
not just my usrahmates, but ikhwahs from KMB too, who are from the same boat and not all alike.
I miss those times, PMS and all, and them asking if I'm doing alright.
They know it's hard in Newcastle, and some of them knew about my conflicts and seemed to care enough.
Despite the conflicts, I don't feel alone. I can feel their ukhuwwah.

Now in Newcastle Malaysia, again, cast alone... Yeap, that's how I feel.
I got mates, but somehow I'm not able to have that click. I guess I'm still weak.
I couldn't stand up on my own. I couldn't push myself. Even to push myself to fulfill my mutabaah 'amal is really hard.
I'm still stagnant, still where I was, like when I left KMB. Seeing the same people around my age, they're somewhere.. Way ahead of me, for sure.

Don't get me wrong. My mates are great. They are great, and they are making progress.
But I couldn't feel their ukhuwwah. I couldn't feel such thing with my naqib as well, which is somewhat worse. Usrah just simply feels like a gathering for 'ilm, and not more than that. I only meet my naqib once a week or a fortnight. No other contact other than usrah. Even when he brought me to a daurah, I was there alone. Heh. I'm still like this after all this years. I can bond with the ikhwahs I just met there, and they are great people, and made me miss the ukhwah I can feel back then, but really, what's hindering me is the fact that I'm still like this... Years and years, but I'm still like this. Felt somewhat ashamed. And I'm not bonding well with my naqib. He's trying his best, really.

This is how people can go futur, right? They'll start to drift away from the pack, and feeling worse and worse and by time, they'll be completely gone. And all they need is ukhuwwah. Someone to pull them back in and help them out, and not judging them. These people, they don't feel like they are part of the pack anymore, and what's worse, the ikhwahs seemed to behaving like so too. When they saw an akh drifting away, they'd assume that he's not interested anymore and they shouldn't do anything, it's his choice anyway. The ustaz's words are stuck in my head. "Kalau dah bertahun, sama je lagi, baik cantas je..."
Made me feel like I don't deserve to be with them, and it's sad.
I just wanted to make a contribution to Islam, with whatever I can do. I guess that's what keep me going, kept me in this path till now. Even if they'd chuck me out, I'd go for something else that I can put my effort in for Islam. Which is kinda sad... Alhamdulillah for my 1st ever true usrah, cuz you people have been the asbab sent by Allah to shape me like who I am. I'll go on doing what I can do insyaaAllah, even if I was chucked out. Even when I'm not with you guys. But hey, I'm not leaving or anything. Not yet. Just saying, just in case...

I miss you people. I miss your ukhuwwah.