sugar

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

as a future doctor, I am often expected to be able to take care of the family medically, and the expectations kinda get at me sometimes.
every now and then when I'm at home, my usual role is to check my parents' BP and glucose level (we got a glucose monitoring kit at home).

just now my dad's glucose reading was really high. the highest so far. and really, he was quite alarmed, and asked me what level of glucose that he would need to take insulin. well, it's not about the level, it's about the control. if with oral antihyperglycaemic agent, the sugar is still constantly high, then insulin is the next step.

i know it must be tiring and annoying for him when I reprimand him about his sugar intake every now and then. being in an army, plus being genetically XY, you can't help but feel your ego being tarnished when you take orders from your underlings, and I kinda understand how it feels, and I feel bad about it but I just had to, because I love him.

right now, a pretty nice timing I must say, TV Al Hijrah is airing a medical related show about diabetes, and he's watching it. I can feel he is very worried about it. especially about the fact that he could go on insulin. the idea of needing a jab everyday is really unpleasant, and I have to say, it is one of the most common thing doctors say to scare patients to control their sugar intake, and for a good reason, really. another really worrying thing DM patients would dread to hear is about having to take dialysis. and true enough, I find it very sad when I see people needing dialysis, 3-4 times a week. it costs a lot, and it just drains your energy. it literally sucks your blood out of your system.

well, having nagged him about sugar intake, I should do so myself. I guess it's the stress, so I tend to crave for sugars myself, honestly. and really, I'm not good with disciplining myself. I got risk factors too. I'm gaining weight, and particularly my abdo is getting flabbier (central obesity is more worrying), and I got family history of it too, so yeah.. I ought to be very worried now. haihhh.. I should listen to myself talking about sugars.
Allah totally detest those believers who happen to say things, but they themselves don't walk the talk. that applies to me, now. *sigh*

I need to exercise!

imam

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Me: Tadi dorang ramai-ramai pergi makan kat luar. Tetiba sorang ni datang sebelum dorang gerak, pesan "Ko tak gi makan kan? Nanti Isya' turun surau eh? Jadi imam untuk budak-budak perempuan."

Wifey: Amboiii~ jadi imam solat je tau, bukan imam hidup dorang!

Me: ^__~

"you've gained EXP points!"

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

I have to admit that there are times after prayers that I simply read du'a and not really making du'a with raja' and khauf but when I do ask that Allah make me with stronger imaan to battle my daily trials, I often get the shudders after that. Sometimes it even made me become really careful with what I wished for.
I think it's just simply due to the experience of whenever I do make that du'a, that is when the trials gets real hard, and quite a lot of times, I failed it.

I guess it's a matter of believing in your own self, and that Allah is always there to back you up.
Believing that He doesn't test you with anything that is beyond your capabilities, and that He is testing you with what you can handle, that He KNEW that you ARE able to handle it, so why don't you yourself believe in you? Personally, it's not something that I find easy to actually plant deep in my heart. I always feel inferior, even to myself, and that is what I need to chuck out of my heart. And the irony; my complacence and procrastination.

And yes, trials are meant to teach you anyway. Trials are tarbiyyah from Allah. And well, I asked for it. I asked for a stronger imaan, and kablaammm!! Allah gives me tougher trials to make me strive for the better. Kinda like working out, or training yourself to run. You gotta push yourself for the extra mile for you to improve (which I literally need to do for my physical wellbeing TT___TT ).
Or perhaps like playing RPGs like Pokemon. You get a boost of EXP points if you fight stronger Pokemons, right? That's how life is anyway.

What was I expecting anyway? For my imaan suddenly to boost up out of nowhere? Suddenly I have such immense spiritual strength that I can resist just about any worldly attractions? I guess that's what a lot of people are expecting, and tell you what, it ain't gonna happen. Sometimes yeah, you get a boost of imaan after watching something inspiring, a great video, heard a great talk from somewhere, or simply observe something that really knocked your heart hard that it topples over in submission to Allah, and that's Allah's help for you. To maintain it, that's the harder part, and that is when Allah will test you greatest, based on your capabilities. Don't back down just yet. even when you feel you are weak, cuz you are indeed able to overcome it. You just have to put some more faith in yourself. Which is... yeah, quite a hard part for me...

Do men think that they will be left alone on saying "We believe" and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false. 

Al Ankabut 29 : 2-3

And I have to say, Alhamdulillah, thummal hamdulillah for He answered my prayers always readily, often immediately. He's always there, really, the Ever Listening. Rest assured, He is always there for us.
And I have to say this hundreds of times, Astaghfirullahal 'azheem! for me to not answering my own prayer after He granted it.

p/s: I've written about this same topic a lot of times already, but yeah, as I've written in my previous posts, this is me reminding myself in case I forgot. and I forget things a lot of times. these are just mainly rants for myself. heh.

mow-ney2~

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Attended MSI last night, and it was given by a respectable man that I always look up to.
The way he explain things, it just shows that Islam was in his everyday life, as if all of Islam is in practice and he can simply answer questions and to top that, in a witty way.

Anyways, last night was about Tauhidullah, and tell you what, I've heard about the subject before, pretty much the same thing, but it revived my Iman, knocked on my heart hard and made me ponder about the recent things that I'm facing.

The greatest impact would be regarding Allah as Raazeeq, the Sustainer. I'm often worried due to the fact that I'm not yet working and I am unable to support my wife with material nafkah, often worried if she has enough to it, worried that we didn't have much contingency money et cetera.
It has always been Allah who gives, really. And to actually believe in that, is sometimes hard.
Allah is Al-Malik, the Owner of All things, thus He can give, and take anything from us at His pleasure, and we need to have redha in that. Redha, simple word, but very deep meaning.
With regards to not being able to support my wife, perhaps it's more of a sense of responsibility, being afraid that I'll be questioned about it, but yeah, Allah gives in any way possible, beyond our imagination.
And alhamdulillah, just yesterday we've got quite a huge sum of money (well, to me that's huge). Oh well, it's her money, I believe.

And then he pose a question. How come there's still suffering and poverty and starvation when Allah is indeed the Sustainer?
That brings us to the problem of distribution. We need to acknowledge that some are given wealth of some kind, and in it are proportions that are meant to be distributed, that are meant to be a rizq of others.
Yesterday's talk brought us about the many problems with governments (and not just Malaysian, really) and gave me some insight on how a Muslim government's attitude should be with regards to treating the Non-Muslims etcetera. Such a beautiful country/world if Islam was ever implemented fully.
Who should we prioritize when giving scholarships, wealths etcetera. We've allowed us to be hated due to the injustice that we are doing now.

And there's also some parenting tips shared.
Age 0-7 years old is the play and exploration period, not the discipline period, so perhaps, we should just let our children play.
Age 8-14, the discipline period. During this period is also the period when solat should be introduced, and by the age of 10, we are allowed to hit our child if he doesn't want to pray. But of course, hitting with love.
15-21 is somewhat the period to be friends with them, if I didn't hear it wrongly... huhuhu... of which the period that we can't treat them like kids anymore. It's demoralizing them, actually.

And with regards to rizq, I respected him when he said that his family rarely eat KFC and such cuz he feels that it is a waste. You are paying more for the branding and promotion and not really for the food. He often compare the price with how many more people can he share a food with the same price. E.g. KFC vs if he buy a chicken and cook for ikhwahs. and yeah, that is how I feel sometimes. But well, sometimes you feel like you want some luxury for yourself and can't seem to resist it sometimes... *sigh*
Hopefully me and my family can live humbly, thinking about others as well as we eat and do things, being grateful with everything we have. And it starts with me.

Alhamdulillah...

strong

where am I?

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

Heard quite a number of losses lately. A friend of mine lost his best friend few weeks back.
And just yesterday, arwah Iman passed away.
When I heard he was in ICU and that his BP that time was 40/20, I started to think that he won't make it.
Had an MVA, and heard that his liver was crushed or something.
Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi raji'un.

I am not that close to him, to be honest. I was up in the north, and he was way down there,
so we only met when there were big events like PMS, Spring camp etc, or when I went down to London.
When he died, I'm not sure of what I should feel...
Probably, yeah... it took some time for it to sink in. It was a similar feeling when my late grandfather died. I wasn't that close to him either.
When I was alone in my room later, only then I started to feel tears building up, thinking about arwah Iman.

I remember I used to avoid him... Cuz knowing how weak I am compared to him, I felt somewhat embarrassed to be even near him. I was afraid he would ask me things that I couldn't answer. I remember him and he himself admitted this, about him being "radical". Used to be afraid of him because of that. But despite that, he is a caring akh, I can tell.

Posts about him were almost always on my FB wall, updating about his condition and asking people to pray for him before he passed away, and today, still. As an akh pointed out, he wasn't that famous when lived, but now, it's almost entirely about him on my wall.

I remember a quote that I liked.

"Don't make you presence noticed, but rather, make your absence felt."

and perhaps, that's how it is with him.

It made me wonder, how will it be if it's me.
Will my absence be felt?

Don't get me wrong.
I know that whatever we do, don't do it for the recognition of men.
That's what we call sincerity. Doing everything for the sake of Allah, and Him alone.
I know there's a hadith Qudsi (I think) about 3 people being asked by Allah in the Day of Judgement.
1st is a scholar, who says he is rightful for Jannah for teaching many students, but Allah says no, cuz he did it for the sake of popularity, for people to praise him for his knowledge.
2nd is a warrior who died in the battlefield. He claimed he is rightful for Jannah, since he fought for Islam and he claimed martyrdom. But Allah says no, cuz he did it so that people will remember him for his braveness.
...and I can't remember the 3rd one...
but yeah, we do everything for Him and Him alone, no other associations.

But knowing arwah Iman for a short time, I believe I can see sincerity in him.
The way he talk, the way he do things.
And perhaps, Allah rewarded him to be a tazkirah for others, even after his death, reminding everyone that death is close and that we need to prepare for it. Wallahua'lam...

He was the same age as I am, and it's not impossible for death to come to me right after I publish this post.. or perhaps even before I get to finish it. Looking at myself now, I am pretty sure Jannah is still wayyyy out of reach... I don't serve Islam as much as I could. I didn't truly dedicate my life for Islam, despite me reading the Iftitah before Al Fatihah in my solah. Yeah, reading the Iftitah. that's what most of Muslims do, ain't it? We simply read without embracing the meaning. Where am I? Will He notice me among this crowd, or am I just like them?

For my brother Iman, may Allah bless you and your efforts for Islam, may He forgive your sins and put you among the residents of His Jannah, and better yet, if He put you among those who get to be near the Prophet. Rest in peace bro, insyaaAllah.

Zendagi migzara. Life goes on. For me and the rest of you who are still living.
Lets work for our final destination. Jannah, biiznillah...

Akhi, this is for you...

sweet

Bismillah ar Rahman ar Raheem

a friend asked us married friends of his a question..
"are there any sweet ways to make sure your marriage is conflict-free?"

well, to that I answered:

There's no point in getting married if you want it to be conflict-free. It's part of the package, and perhaps, those are the things that'll make it enjoyable and satisfying, be it we're able to handle it accordingly, if not wisely.
There aren't any sweet ways that I know of to make it conflict-free, but there are certainly many sweet ways to handle the conflicts, and those are the things that make it sweet and beautiful.

If your own life got conflicts in it, why do you expect it to be conflict-free when you have 2 souls, 2 life joined together?

You should welcome anger, tears and frowns, cuz if you don't, they'll keep on banging on your door. Perhaps they'll leave, but they'll come back even stronger. Keep it longer and they'll be strong enough to break the door and start an amok in your house, wrecking everything you've built in it. Welcome them, let them in and entertain them. Serve them with patience and reason. After that, bid them farewell. Don't let them stay, cuz laughter and smiles will always sneak in once they're gone.

Wallahua'lam. This is actually a reminder from me after going through 5 months of marriage to the future me, who may be years older than I am now. There'll come a time when I will need to look back at these words and think.