This is my first post

Ear candy : What I’ve Done-Linkin Park

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

This is my first appearance here. Anyways, it has been a few days since I moved in this house of 11 people. It’s a bungalow and I’m sharing the master bedroom with 3 other ladies. The environment is different, and it kind of reminds me of the feeling that I had when I was renting back in Seri Iskandar, Perak. It’s really cool anyways. It has been just a few days and I tried to smile at those who wouldn’t even make eye contact with me and even when they didn’t smile back I didn’t really take it to heart. Yup, I don’t. In that sense, I have a feeling that I have changed slightly. At least I am further from my old self now. Baby steps. I’m getting there. Not immediately, but definitely. InshaAllah.

You know, talking about change, I am kind of desperate for it. When I resumed reading Purification Of The Heart, by Hamza Yusuf, although I’ve finished reading the introduction and I’m supposed to go on to the next page, I can’t. I feel the need to start over again. It kind of feels like I want to absorb everything written in the book, in hope that it will change me, that it will somehow switch the ON button of my obstinate heart.

It started during our first anniversary dinner. Me and husband were waiting for our orders and while waiting, we did a post-mortem of our marriage. Discussing our lacking and things that we need to improve, I found that there’s a lot, especially when it comes to me, and it almost overwhelmed me had I not calm down by the sight of food appearing on our table.

There’s so much to change and thus began my journey here to join my husband in pursuit of piety. Ameen Ya Rabb. 

carcinogenic

bismillah

"If we're not able to be alone, we'll only able to know how to be lonely."

the quote I quoted in my presentation.
an ailment less acknowledged, but suffered by too many, without them knowing.
perhaps it's like cancer, it eats you up from within, very sinister in its action.

or perhaps you can think of it like this. 
each individual is a cell, which makes up a body, the community. 
and that cancer is affecting each individual, thus, crumbling that body, slowly, as each cell disintegrates from the bigger group. 

some cells are more resistant, some are more vulnerable. 
and there's a need for a response team to response to such insult. 
there's a need to recognize the antigen, thus rendering the response team into action. 
when there's a failure to recognize, then there's a failure to cope, to prevent further damage. 
when being able to recognize, thus the next step would be to have the appropriate amount of energy in the response team. 

the society is disintegrating, weakening social, physical strength of it. 
we are losing so many values that were taught by the generations before us,
being good to neighbours, care for one another, people got into accident and the first thing you do is to lend a helping hand, not taking a snapshot and post it on Instagram or the likes of it. 
making a conversation seemed like an awkward thing to do, and I tell you, I'm like that myself. 
you saw something done incorrectly, the right thing to do would be to correct it,
but no, hey somebody else can do it, let me just tweet it or post it on Facebook, hoping that it'll somehow reach that person, even when that person is not in the friends list. 
why take a detour, when you can give an effect right away, when he's right in front of you instead of taking the long way through different routes which has no guarantee whatsoever that it'll reach that person? 

it's not about terminating technology. 
it's about giving the appropriate response. 
using it, instead of being used. 

as we reproduce, creating new "cells" each day, 
now these "cells" are even more vulnerable and needs extra protection. 

heal ourselves, so that we won't pass the faulty genes to our offspring, insyaaAllah. 

the sms

Written on June 17 2013.
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu.

I received an SMS today, one which I anxiously waited for but I didn't really put high hopes on. Talked to my mummy-in-law regarding me never had any contact Daddy after months of marriage and how I feel bad about it and so she said perhaps I should give him a call when I'm in Sabah.

So here I am in KK, and yesterday was Father's Day. I decided to text him yesterday but was talking to my wife after a long trip north to The Tip of Borneo (which was really spectacular) and end up sleeping from the exhaustion and I fell asleep.

Realized the unfinished business this morning and so I texted him before going to the hospital, and anxiously waited for a reply but it didn't come. Went to hospital as usual and totally forgotten about it. It was around 5pm that his reply came.

“TQ. Daddy dan family semua sihat”. 

Alhamdulillah. He doesn't seem to be mad or anything. So I guess the next step would be to call him. I really hope things will work out between us, and between him and my wife.
Rabbi yaseer, wa la tu'aseer...

***
Aug 20th 2013, 4.39AM

Alhamdulillah, things went pretty well.
We came to pick them up at LCCT, and all that I can comment is, it's weirdly OK, as if nothing ever happened in the past. And one of the first few things we talked about when they've settled down in the hotel is regarding his wishes to organize a reception for us back in Mukah, and he's the one initiating the topic.
Even Mummy was surprised when he mentioned it to my parents during his first meeting with them. (He didn't tell Mummy about the plan...)

Alhamdulillah, thummal hamdulillah.

suicide note

Written on June 19 2013
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Yesterday I did my first CPR on a real person, pretty late for some people, I guess. It was a rather sad case, though. A male in his 20s, commited suicide by hanging himself. We couldn't save him. The HO said usually if it's more than 5 cycle, the chances are very slim, but as for formality, the CPR need to go on for 7 cycles or up till 30 mins, which me and my friend had to go through (but that was like easy for them)...
I am not really fit to be honest. *sigh*

When the nurse told us to stop, it was quite a relief for us. Tiring really. Then I took a moment to look at the lifeless body. Looked at the strangulation mark around his neck. Looked at his half open eyes, and I wonder, what is it that made him do that. Is it worth it?
Did his misery end, though? What now? In the hereafter, I don't think I have to say anything more
about it.

Few minutes after we stopped the CPR, a lady came in crying with two other guys, his family I assume. One thing suiciders don't really think about are the miseries of those around them, after they ended their worldly miseries. What matters is they've ended theirs. No one else matters. Families and friends.

Families, especially. Just imagine what his parents and siblings would feel. Is it their fault? Could they have done something to stop it? Why didn't they see it coming? They will be scarred for life, haunted by the shroud of mystery surrounding his death, and guilt.

What if they have children? Mummy where's Daddy? Why did Daddy do it? Daddy don't love us anymore? Why do my friends all say my dad is in hell? Why are they saying nasty things about Daddy, Mummy?

Totally emotionally traumatic for the children, and how do you suppose the mummy would feel, trying to answer those questions?

The end of your misery is the beginning, or perhaps the prolongation of others' suffering. What a way to end your life with.

Idiot

Written on June 17 2013
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Watching 3 Idiots, and now seeing my best friend quit his job to take on a job that he think he will enjoy rather than his old job made me rethink about my own life, my own journey. I used to dream of becoming National Geographic's photographer or cameraman and go on field trips around the world. Even now whenever I turn on the TV, the channels I would go for would be cooking channels, or documentaries like
NatGeo or Discovery Channel or the likes of it. When I do watch it, I still have that desire to be there, doing what they are doing.

I used to dream about being a writer. I used to write pretty well, as my friends told me. But now I can't seem to write anything good or inspiring. I don't know why. Perhaps it's that dark past of mine... Or maybe not..
And now I'm a medical student, and a pretty lousy one at it. And oh, a married one.

It seems now that I'm not good with anything I do. I can't write. My photography skills are quite OK I guess but ain't much to it. I'm not a good medical student, forgetting almost everything I've learnt (OK, this is an exaggeration). I'm a husband with no income and we both are currently facing some financial difficulties.

The only two things that I think I can focus and try to be good at is to try and be a good son to my parents and family, and to be a good husband. Sometimes it's a juggle. Tried my best in terms of knowledge and tarbiyah but I think I don't have enough yet. My own tarbiyah seems a bit wavy, somewhat forgotten, or perhaps they wanted to focus on a more energetic and spirited junior. Unlike me, been a long time under tarbiyah but still like this, and really, I think I'm deteriorating. Struggling to even be a good Muslim, let alone a da'ie.

I seem to have lost myself a long time ago. Zarith Shafie is gone with the sands of time.
Just hope that at least, I can make a difference in my parents' life, and to my wife's life. That I mattered. That I get to leave a mark on their life, a good one.

***
Aug 20th 2013, 4.32AM

Just ranting, really. I shouldn't really feel that way. I should do the best in whatever I do, medical students, daie. being a son and husband. That's how Muslims should be. So yeah, just ranting back then...

alcoholism

Written on July 1st 2013, 4.40am
The Collonades, Kota Kinabalu

Having my Vico after coming back from ETD.
Decided to join in the night shift at 12.30am and went back at 4 since the busy night seemed to have settled down. Seeing that case and a few others throughout my A&E elective posting, I just can't help feeling annoyed with alcoholism. I know that there are some benefits to it but seeing those cases is enough to make me see the weight of the harm it causes to the society. Drunkards getting withdrawal symptoms, MVA cases due to being under alcohol influence. And tonight's case has a Muslim name to him. A binge drinker, according to the notes.

I can only feel disgusted when it comes to alcohol. The smell itself is pretty yucky, I can't imagine how people can let it slide through their tongue and throat. Looking at them all drowsy and mumbling to themselves, trying to get off the bed 2 to go to some fantasy land when all the HOs and MOs are busy treating other patients only to fumble and slip. I helped him up, with utter annoyance and disgust. I don't hate him. I hate the deed itself.

Had a short, inconclusive discussion with my peers regarding the issue of whether a Muslim nation with kafeer zimmi in it should ban alcohol completely or not. I still believe in what I said. Islam is sent to all mankind, so Islam is offering not only protection to the 'aql (mind, intellect) of Muslims, but it is for all, regardless of their religion, because truly it is affecting everyone inclusively and not selectively, to the drinker directly and to those around them and the society as a whole.

p/s: a "she-male" was wheeled-in looking drowsy. All the
nurses were like "Go for the orange branula!" He was being
laughed at, and the nurses said we can experiment on him with
the branula as many times as we want. To that, I have no
comment. Huhu.. He did look a lot like a girl, though. The make
up, long hair, no hair on his legs, the attire. But the chest is
totally flat, of course.

sesak

Bismillah

Aku perlu nafas baru. 

Sesak bernafas dalam jiwa macam ni. 

Komplen dan komplen, tapi mana amal ku? 

Astaghfirullah....