black dog begone

Bismillah

"You are better than you think you are"

While waiting for our Bad Day On-Call session today, the lecturer who was in charge for our Preparation for Practice (P4P) block came to me and ask how was yesterday's teaching. She said the lecturer who was assessing me said I was good and impressed with me. She told me she talked to the other lecturers who have taught to me too, and then she sums up their comment with the above quote.

I guess they were all aware of my problem. "Performance anxiety", as Dr Kevin coined it. The inferiority to other students. I often think that I'm not that good. On another note, I guess they have been discussing about each and everyone of us. We're a really small number, only 20 of us. We've come to know that they would flag up our picture and have lecturers commenting on us or something like that when we were 3rd years. Not sure if they are still doing that now, but it seems to be like it. I wonder if I should feel insecure, thinking that all the lecturers knew about my lack of self-confidence.

I feel quite hard to believe them, actually. Not just them, but also my friends.
There was this one time, I said to my groupmates that I feel I'm really lousy at teaching and she said, "Kau bagus gila kot!".
I wonder if it's just me, focusing on the bad side of me or what. I can't really see what she meant by that.

I guess it probably is. I've been wearing the black dog glasses in front of the mirror that I see myself with all the flaws in me. I need to take it off.
As my wife said it, we need to stop thinking that we're depressed. I need to embrace my strength and put it to good use.
I liked this video. Sums up of what I've felt myself. I still have the black dog, but I'm trying to tame it, and make it smaller. Some days it get big, some days it's really small.

stitch!

bismillah

I like stitches. I've got a few. From my mom's on my pants, right on the knees.
From my wife, on my shirt which was originally long-sleeved. I burnt it, so she cut the sleeves and sow it back nicely.

I like stitches, because it means hope. It means things can be fixed.
It means that I can keep what I like, I don't have to throw it away.

It means it can still be used, still be loved.
Still be cherished that the owner would bother stitching it back up.
Not discarded and easily replaced with something new.
Even when it won't look as good as new, that the stitches will somewhat deform it.
Leave an ugly mark on it.
But to the owner, it looks just great, even better than it was.
Even when others smirk at it, looking at it as something cheap and weathered.

I'm torn. I need to stitch myself back up.

p/s: now I guess it made sense. that's why they name him Stitch. to stitch up Lilo's family back together. it won't be as how it was, but he stitched it back up. I like Stitch.

sugar III

bismillah

well, this time it's not really about sugar, but pretty much similar issues.
mom had hyperthyroid, and she was on medication but I think quite recently she was just on propanolol, no longer carbimazole, which I assume her TFT must've went to normal.

quite recently she had an ECG checked and the doctor recommended her to take warfarin. from this alone I assume the ECG shows atrial fibrillation and she is at high risk of stroke. she couldn't take it all in, I guess. she got quite stressed about needing to avoid eating certain veggies (which she loved) and that she need to have her blood checked every now and then, and that she's at risk of bleeding. she refused the warfarin, simply saying to the doctor, "I still want to eat those veggies".

and earlier today, she told me how her besan who has diabetes and hypertension, stopped taking medications and started drinking water used to wash his hand after meal, along with du'a syifa'. I'm not questioning the du'a, but knowing the science behind it, I know diabetes and hypertension is a silent killer. I gave some more nagging about how diabetes affects the vessels, about gangrenous foot, about getting sepsis.

Like seriously, I've seen enough strokees and hideous gangrenous ulcerating diabetic foot that I don't want them to have it. Honestly, my heart breaks when I failed to convince her to take it. Perhaps, out of frustration I said to them, "tu la suruh orang jadi doktor, kan da kena bebel".

it is a challenge, since yeah, old age will make you feel like your end is near, so why bother when you want to enjoy your remaining time? but hey, will life be that enjoyable when you lament over limp arms and legs, or looking at the remaining stump on your leg?

O Allah, please take care of them as they have taken care of me when I was little. Please make me to be able to take care of them in their times of need. Please protect them from such ailments...

Ameen....

paradox

bismillah

A good friend of mine quoted what our lecturer said to him.
It's about the paradox of freedom of choice.
People think that they will be happy the freedom of choice,
but instead, the more choice people have, the more stressful it is.

Ever went to a restaurant where they served just too many kinds of food, you feel stressed just to choose which you should eat? Familiar experience right?
When we were growing up, you would eat just about anything your mum serve, and really, that was bliss, ain't it?

Stumbled upon a verse which says pretty much the same thing, though not directly related.

Allah has given an example: There is a man (enslaved and) owned by some partners having rivalry with each other, and (on the other hand,) there is a man solely owned by a single man. Can they be equal in comparison? ⁵Praise be to Allah! (The truth stands established). But, most of them do not know. 

Az-Zumar 39:29

Interesting thing about us is that, we are servants, but we get to choose (though not wholly) who our masters are. We just put ourselves under the control of too many things nowadays, that we get really stressed about it. We let ourselves being controlled by capitalism, materialism, expectations from others, and so many other ideologies. Why not choose just one to submit to, and really, won't that be bliss?
Ain't an easy job, really, cuz once your heart is attached to something, it's hard to believe in just one.
Harus usaha!

tz

bismillah

I was watching the video and a strong sense of longing came back.
But yeah, I should just put it pass me, cuz, well, I've had one before, and it's time for tarbiyah dzatiyyah.
I can't always be looking for the ideal naqib, I should try and be one myself, at least to my beloved wife.

to my beloved wife,
I just hope I'll be able to guide you to become a great madrasah for our future children.
insyaaAllah, may they too grow up to become even greater madrasah for the future generation.

some might say, the scripts are somewhat poyo, jalan cerita tah pape, too ideal and unreal or whatever.
the message is there. try and get the message.


mood: rindu rusuk kiri

shocker

Bismillah

Just finished usrah for today, and in the end, I was left with this feeling that, really, I am ungrateful towards the many blessings Allah has bestowed upon me.

I got an usrah to attend, when many others would dream one but never get the chance to have it.
It often customary, ritualistic kind of, to say at the beginning of a sitting, that we should be grateful to be able to attend such meeting, where the angels are spreading their wings over us and all, but only now I can feel how fortunate I am.
I used to complain, how my naqib should've been this way and that way, and yadda yadda, whereas me? What did I do?

I'm in a good university, studying something not everyone can pursue on, yet I'm still feeling ungrateful, feeling I should better off studying something else, something that suit me better. And it's a struggle to keep my motivation up. Well, how about this? Be grateful and use that to push yourself harder.

And really, I've got a great wife by my side (even though not physically at the moment), yet I haven't done much to improve myself as her husband...

Really, what have I been doing with my life?

As she would've said to me, suck it up!
Gotta pick myself up and get going.
It's funny when people are looking up at me, yet I'm looking down on myself.
People have hopes on me, I loose it from myself.
Suck it up, mate!

purposely took up the task for next week's usrah cuz I think I'd need it, without really thinking if I'd have time for it. but hey, you make the time for it, right?
my soul in serious need of a shock by a defib right now.

sugar II

bismillah

I guess Dad's gone tired of me.
Now it is often a battle, with my Mom on his side sometimes.
I often nag them both now for their indulgence in something for "just a little bit".
I think he's starting to have those cravings for sugar.

After dinner, lunch or breakfast, any given time, he'd ask if we wanted something to munch on.
Kerepek and biskut raya while watching TV, "we're just finishing what needs to be finished off".
Carbonated drinks, which known to many contains lotsa lotsa sugar.
The cempedak a good friend of his gave us, he couldn't wait for later even when we're already full with lunch. Told him to try just one and eat some more later. He gobbled up three instead.
Once I saw the familiar container in the sink after lunch, and so I asked,
"Makan tapai eh tadi?" with a grin.
His face was somewhat a cross between "I'm busted!" and "Don't treat me like a kid!"
Made lime and honey drink and I added two spoons of sugar (atop few table spoons of honey!) which to me is plenty.
He said to add three or four spoons more. I said no. The max I'll put in is two.
Which I did.

If I was Alpha I'd go "Aiyaiyai yayai~" while shaking my head...

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..
...
....
.....

me, myself, am gaining weight...
I used to have a valley on my tummy.
Got ridges and all.
Slowly it goes on to become a flatland,
and bit by bit, especially since Raya came in,
mounds and mounds of fatty blubber started to pile up,
rising up to become a small hill.
just hope it'll stop becoming a mountain, and better yet, slowly goes back being a beautiful valley.

mencangkul gunung lama-lama jadi rata, insyaaAllah.
kena mula "mencangkul"!

central obesity raises the risk of getting diabetes.

Aiyaiya yayai~